Barren Babe

Another Day, Another Ultrasound

2012-02-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

This morning I went for another ultrasound. The doctor wants to see if there has been any change in the cyst, and perhaps to get alternate views. I had complained to her about my experience at the other place, so she sent the requisition to a local hospital with a Women's Health Division.

My experience at this hospital was light years better than the clinic where I had my dreadful ultrasound several weeks ago. Since it was at a hospital there were towels and sheets to use instead of the paper cloths. The woman performing the ultrasound was professional and efficient without being too cold. There was also a curtain that provided privacy when I needed to disrobe and clean up afterwards. It went smoothly and towards the end she took a view to see how blood flowed through the ovary, which I have never had before. Now I am beginning to wonder if that was to check if there are veins running to the cyst.

DH is working at home today and drove me to and from my appointment. He is being sweet and caring about the whole thing; meanwhile I am obsessed about cysts and have been on the internet 'researching'. It is difficult not to think about this cyst that is in my body, and which I have no control over.

Take My Ovary, Please

2012-01-25T06:38:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I went to my doctor's office to receive results from previous bloodwork (late November) and from the recent ultrasound (January 10). Actually, it was a new doctor since my 'new' GP from last year is taking a year sabbatical to New Zealand -- and I'm a bit confused as to which of them I should say is my doctor when booking appointments.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my hormones are 'normal' and that my FSH level was 8! In all my visits to fertility clinics my FSH has never been below 11 and it was 24 the last time it was checked in August 2010. The doctor did tell me that during perimenopause the FSH level can go up and down, but I was happy by this little bit of news.

I was not prepared for the ultrasound results, which revealed that I have an ovarian cyst (5x2x2cm): "complex adnexal cystic mass". The doctor thinks it may be several small cysts that failed to burst and are now 'joined'. So, I am making appointments for more ultrasounds (different place this time), an MRI (still waiting to hear back from the hospital), and a surgical-gynecologist (earliest appointment was end of JULY).

My initial reaction was shock then anger at my ovaries and how they have disappointed me. These two ovaries have failed miserably at producing top-quality eggs. Now one can't even get through the follicular phase and has gone rogue. The frustrating part is that I don't know WHY they have never worked properly. Was I eating the wrong food? Too many warm baths? All that swimming in chlorine pools as a child? I am searching the internet for diets, or anything else, that may help shrink the cyst. But, I am seriously thinking of telling the surgeon to please take the ovary out with the cyst. Damn wonky ovary.

CML HealthCare Sucks

2012-01-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

Since last April Aunt Flo has only made one visit. On November 24 I went to the doctor after having some strange spotting. She wanted to refer me to a gynecologist, but first I needed blood work and a pelvic ultrasound. Luckily I was able get blood drawn at my doctor's office, but the ultrasound had to be done at an imaging clinic (CML HealthCare). January 10th was the earliest appointment I could get, and now I have to make another appointment with my primary physician to get the referral to a gynecologist.

My experience today with CML HealthCare was awful. Yes, it is right up there with Quest Diagnostics in terms of terrible. The waiting room was cold with a flat screen television mounted on the wall tuned to some news channel. It really needs some plants, magazines, and soft music. I was called in early, which was pleasing, but it went downhill from there.

I was expecting an ordinary pelvic ultrasound since I had been instructed to drink four cups of water one hour prior to the appointment, but I was surprised when the technician mentioned that she would be performing a trans-vaginal ultrasound as well. Sure, what is one more invasive ultrasound since I have had countless others on my nine year quest to get pregnant.

The basic pelvic ultrasound was fine, although she could have heated the lubricant she put on my tummy. When she was finished I asked if I could clean my stomach, and she said no problem she would do it. Then she proceeds to use a paper cloth to wipe it off and tells me to run across the hall to the bathroom and be quick. While in the bathroom I was able to properly clean off my belly.

It was when returned to the room that things got bad. When I asked if she wanted me to disrobe she put this thin paper gown on my front, and then tied it with a tiny plastic band. At this point she told me to take off my clothes from the waist down...while she was still there watching. That was really strange pulling down my pants and underwear and attempting to roll them up and put them on top of my winter coat and bag with dignity. Actually, most of my dignity had left the room at this point.

Then I looked at the table where she had placed some strange insert underneath the paper cloth on the exam table. She instructed me to put my bottom on top of this insert so that my pelvis was pointing up and then rest my head on a pile of paper gowns. Ummm...okay? I looked at the table and thought "Am I really in Canada? Is this what healthcare has become?" As I lay on the table I mentioned to the technician that all my previous trans-vaginal ultrasounds had been performed on gynecological tables with stirrups. She told me that she has asked the clinic (CML HealthCare) for this but they say it is too expensive. Egad! Obviously CML HealthCare does not care for female patients.

When the ultrasound was over she told me to get up, but I had to ask her twice to help me get off that contraption that tilted my pelvis upwards. When I asked her if I could clean up she said sure, but she remained in the room. Then, when I asked if she was going to leave the room, she replied that she would be taking notes while I cleaned up and got dressed!!! I was dumbfounded. There I was standing wrapped in the thin paper robe with the ultrasound lubricant leaving my private parts and dripping down my legs and all I wanted was to clean myself with what was left of my dignity. I bluntly told her "I need PRIVACY!"; then she asked "well how long will you be? Ten minutes?" I replied, "I'll just be a minute." Finally she left the room so I could clean up and get dressed, which I did in less than two minutes because I couldn't wait to get out.

Oh, how I miss the doctors' offices where I had ultrasounds in Texas and California. They would have a corner in the exam room where you could close the curtain and place your clothing on wall hooks, and a chair to put your bag, and then there were packaged wet cloths and sanitary napkins for afterwards. But, you get what you pay for and here in Ontario, Canada healthcare is free, and I guess catering to a patient's privacy and dignity is secondary to the bottom line, especially at CML HealthCare. (I really miss my doctor in California.)

Grandchildrenless

2012-01-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

Last week was my MIL's 65th birthday, so we drove two hours north to celebrate with DH's parents and a few of their friends. We had a great dinner at a restaurant out in the countryside and went back to the in-laws' home for tea and cake, although they had a few alcoholic beverages before the cake.

There was lots of chatting and one woman was talking about her son who has started a new job and is going through training. One of the friends across the room did not hear all of the story asked if it was her son or grandson she was referring to. Out of nowhere my MIL replies, "It's her son. You see both Eileen and I are Grandchildrenless." It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I rolled my eyes and held back the tears that tried to fill my eyes. Then they began a discussion of neighbors' kids. She knows that we want children and that we have gone through fertility treatments. MIL is also aware of the pregnancy losses, and yet she chose to shine a light on the matter in front of their friends. I fail to understand her lack of sensitivity in the matter. Wish you could trade in MILs. Thank God we do not live in the same town and we are a two hour drive away, although it was much better when we were a 4-7hr flight away.

Young Adult

2012-01-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

DH and I saw the movie 'Young Adult' last week. I loved it, but wanted to warn those who have had a miscarriage that one is mentioned.

SPOILER: Actually a character freaks out at a 'naming' party for a baby and lets the mother and the crowd know about a miscarriage she had in the past. If it were me, I would not have gone to the baby naming party, but I have secretly wanted to unleash about my miscarriage to mothers with babies, and so I choose to stay as far away from newborns and their mothers until the child is walking.

Baking

2011-12-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

Busy baking sugar cookies today. I put on Christmas tunes by Perry Como and Bing Crosby to get me in the yuletide spirit and it actually did the trick. The cookies are rather crumbly as I substituted white rice flour for all-purpose flour as I am on a gluten-free kick. Maybe I won't be giving these away this year. Looking for a good gluten-free sugar cookie recipe.

Surviving Christmas Time

2011-12-12T12:07:00.000-08:00

Saturday night was DH's work Christmas Party, which consisted of a cocktail hour and dinner at a golf club. We were both dreading it for different reasons, but made the effort to get off the sofa and dress-up for the 'free meal'.

DH will normally warn me if there will be a pregnant woman at social functions, so I was surprised when I saw a woman with a pregnant belly arrive. Luckily we were mingling at the other side of the room during cocktail hour, but later found ourselves sitting at their end of the table (it was one long table). I chose to engage in conversation with people on the other side of the table, although I could hear bits of the pregnancy talk that consisted of baby names, cravings/what to eat while pregnant, and general kid stuff. I managed to survive thanks to DH and gin. Meanwhile, I discovered that parents with teenagers enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages and prefer not talking about their kids.

Needless to mention I was a tad cranky when we finished our Christmas cards on Sunday. Then a good friend phoned and wanted me (solo) to join her for dinner the week before Christmas, but this girlfriend really seems to hate doing stuff with us as a couple. I am always surprised since she is single and DH may know of other guys that we could bring along. Anyway, I agreed to meet her for dinner that week and wondered where she wanted to go and she suggested a restaurant in my old 'hood from my single days. I vehemently said no I won't go to that neighborhood anymore because of what it has become: what was once a funky street with antique and consignment stores, and mom&pop shops is now full of trendy baby toy/clothes/furniture shops and Starbucks and the stroller-brigade. I then suggested going for sushi in a funky area near downtown. She was shocked by my bitchiness and lack of Christmas spirit and told me that I should 'get out more'. Ummmmm, my hating the Holidays is tied up with my infertility and she, like most people, does not understand this. I decided not to fight with her, but my inner voice thought 'whatever'. This lack of understanding underlines how isolating infertility can be...especially at Christmas.

This morning DH was hanging out at home a bit longer since he was going directly to the airport for a business trip. We were talking about the Christmas cards and the new address we are waiting for from an old college friend of DH. I then reflected that this friend and his wife (who were married about a year ago) might be good to hang out with since they are in their early forties without children. Surprise, surprise, DH then tells me that the friend's wife is pregnant. Oh, God. Oh, God. My stomach turned sour. The tears began falling down my cheeks upon realizing that we are the only couple without a child within our social circle. The only consolation was that DH told me that he found out the info from Suit Guy when we met up with him the other week for drinks after Christmas shopping. Suit Guy told DH the news when I left to go to the restroom. Suit Guy reasoned that "Life really is unfair if **** can have a baby and you guys can't." At least Suit Guy feels a bit of our pain. (And yes, Suit Guy is a lot like the Barney character from 'How I Met Your Mother', except the women ask him out, and it was interesting -- and strangely comforting -- how they made the Robin character infertile.)

It's Christmas Time Again

2011-12-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's Christmas time again. The time for trimming the tree, singing carols, joy, happiness, and time for families. Maybe it's the emphasis on families, or maybe the loss of two uncles this past year, that is making me feel left out this holiday season. Christmas time is here but it has passed me by.

We have the tree up and decorated, the outside lights have been carefully 'strewn' on the shrubs, presents have been bought, and we're in the process of sending out cards. These rituals are more like chores on a to-do list this year. I do not want to do them but I feel compelled to complete them so no one will think we are lacking in holiday spirit (although we really are).

I finally saw my doctor last week about my missing menstrual cycle (last seen in April) and she ordered blood work and an ultrasound before she can refer me to a gynecologist. But of course Aunt Flow shows up three days later with a vengeance...or maybe it has been so long that I have forgotten how awful it can be. Not sure whether to go ahead and make an appointment for an ultrasound since it appears I am in perimenopause limbo instead of the big M. I mentioned all of this to my Mother who told me that for four or five years before she hit menopause she would have one cycle a year. Fun times ahead.

In a Funk

2011-10-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Since Labour Day weekend I have been in a funk about the whole adoption process. In September we met with another adoption licensee to register with her, and she told us what a 'sweet couple' we were and how she would try and help us find a birthmother. Yeah, we've heard that story before. Then, after we had given her our profile (and registration fee) we cannot reach her for comments for over six weeks. DH thinks the adoption licensees are a racket and I have no words to defend them.

October is the month we were married. With each anniversary comes celebration, but it also highlights what is not there and the years we have been busy trying to create a family. In nine years I truly thought we would have at least two children, but it is what it is. We have each other and we are closer than I ever thought we would be on our wedding day in 2002.

DH and I have begun talking about what ifs and a Plan B. If this adoption thing does not work out for us (no child) what will we do. It gives me hope that there may be new things ahead for us if we do end up childfree. At the moment our Plan B is to eventually buy a lot/property in the countryside and build a bungalow/craftsman/master bedroom on main floor, which seems like a dream to us much like adopting a baby is now. Instead of searching for baby stuff on the internet I have been checking out home design websites like this one.

Not The Chosen Ones

2011-09-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago DH came home from work and informed me that he had heard back from the adoption agency we had signed up with in July. Our profile had been presented, but the teenage girl and her boyfriend chose another couple as adoptive parents for their baby. Wow. Three weeks later I still feel a sting.

We knew the odds were against us as the birthmother wanted a younger couple, but we let hope creep in and before we knew it we were excited. I know I was anticipating positive results and had started thinking about baby names and even decorating the room next to ours as a nursery. Now I am thinking about making that room into a sewing/craft room.

Three weeks ago reality hit home and brought with it a touch of the blues. Not being chosen brought back ancient memories of past rejections. You know the ones I mean. The ones that befall a geeky teenage girl, like getting picked last for teams in gymn class, or sending a note declaring my admiration to the cool guy a grade ahead of me only to have him not respond because he is in love with my best friend (and will go on to date her throughout our college years). Not being chosen does not get any easier.

We have decided that not being told when our profile is being presented will be easier on us emotionally. Next Tuesday we are meeting with another adoption licensee as we think being with three might increase our chances. At least that is what I thought in July, but now I am not so sure.

Moments of Weakness

2011-08-11T13:41:00.001-07:00

Dinner last Saturday went well. While drinking a glass of red wine I decided to reveal our adoption plans. Actually I was asked what I had been up to these days and asked DH if I should tell them about our 'project', and then I told them we are thinking of adopting.

The two of them were very excited and happy for us. Then I had to keep reinforcing that even though we are hoping to adopt we may not end up adopting because not many women choose an adoption plan for their babies. We were asked how we came to this decision and then I revealed our previous pregnancy losses...that was difficult and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. She then told me about her own miscarriage a few years before their son was born so she said she could understand our feelings of loss. They asked questions about the adoption process, but I am not sure they quite understood it because they kept asking why we were focusing on 'local' adoption and I was confused.

I was nervous bringing our hopes for adoption out in the open, although the red wine did help. Infertility was glossed over and I just mentioned that we had undergone some fertility treatments that were successful but ended in pregnancy loss. The clinics and fertility treatments are topics I would rather leave in the past and not be required to tell friends in detail. After they left with their little boy I felt a huge sigh of relief because it felt so freeing to tell people this aspect of our life that we had hidden from view. My only hope is that they do not become like my friend A who begins each conversation with "So, anything new with the adoption?" And I must go through the whole process over and over again.

Even though I felt wonderful emotionally this week thanks to opening up about our adoption quest, I did have a moment of weakness today when I was getting groceries. Beginning in the produce section I noticed the young mother with a toddler son and a baby. From that point it was my mission to avoid them, but it seemed like just as soon as I had forgotten about them there they would be coming down the aisle. Then when I was in the baking aisle and there was another mother and her two beautiful toddlers and then the first mother walked by singing to her baby. I looked away as my eyes began to water but I told myself I was NOT going to cry in the grocery store, so I tried to finish the groceries as fast as I could while avoiding these two women and their children. It seems that just when I think I am strong and over sad thoughts that is when I am vulnerable. At least I did not have a meltdown at the grocery store.

To Know or Not to Know

2011-08-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday DH spoke with our contact at the adoption agency we recently signed up with. We sent an updated version of our profile (more action photos) to her last week and had not heard from her. She confirmed that she received our profile and was going to present it to the pregnant teenage girl she spoke to us about a few weeks ago. Um, what?

We have no problem being presented, but we are really confused by this agency's process as we were told that they do NOT notify couples when their profiles are being presented. Perhaps it is because this woman spoke with us in her office regarding our level of acceptance regarding birth mothers alcohol and marijuana intake, and then questioned us whether we are musically inclined. The birth mother wants a couple who are musical (now I am thankful for those four years of piano lessons, and that I moved my Great Grandmother's piano across North America when DH wished to leave it in California). We appear to be this birth mother's ideal couple except she wants a childless couple who are in their early thirties and we are early forties. Our age could be our downfall in this whole private domestic adoption pursuit.

It felt like someone kicked my stomach when DH told me we were going to be presented to this birth mother. Since we know that she wants a younger couple I do not have much faith that we will be chosen. Every now and again I will think of baby names or check cribs online, but then I have to tell myself that we are a long-shot. It makes me wonder whether it is better to know if your profile is being presented, or whether it is better not knowing to relieve the nervousness. I think I would prefer not knowing, although I guess there is the issue of one always wondering if your agency has forgotten about you. At this point I am hoping for the best, but realizing that we may be too old for this particular birth mother.

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DH and I are having a couple over for dinner on Saturday that we used to chum around with while we were dating and newly married. We have drifted apart due to our time in the US and the fact that they had a baby two years ago. They had us over for dinner in January and we wanted to wait until our home study was finished before inviting them. I am also feeling emotionally stronger regarding others with babies and it will be good for us to maintain friendships with couples that have children even if we never do. Must admit that it may be difficult, and I am really scared in case they have a pregnancy announcement (as it took them a long time to confirm a date with us), so I am mentally preparing myself for one. Also, we are prepared to be open and possibly share our hopes for adopting, but I am not prepared to go into our medical history of infertility...of course, after a few glasses of red wine who knows what might come out of my mouth. Hopefully I will get the first floor of our house child proofed before their arrival. Should be interesting.

Whirlwind

2011-07-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since the last time I posted that I forgot my password and had to reset it. June and July have been busy.

The first week of June another uncle died. As life goes, we had agreed to host DH's buddy from Vancouver for a couple of days around this same time. DH offered to cancel but I knew his friend had been driving across the U.S. and Canada on his motorcycle and probably would like to stay in a house and not a tent or motel. The whole wake and funeral made me unglued with grief and my Mother was totally shocked losing two brothers in four weeks. I've been trying to phone and visit more often this summer.

Around this same time in June our social worker finally finished our homestudy, and we had our last visit with her after we got back from California. Oh, yeah, we were on the west coast for 10 days and got back a couple of days before Canada Day and shared a flight from Chicago with some reporters from Sky News who were on their way to cover the royal tour. DH had work meetings in Californa and I joined him and then we took a few days and went to Sonoma and then down to Carmel/Big Sur. Lots of shopping, wine tasting, and relaxing.

We had an awesome Canada Day as it was our first time celebrating back in Canada since 2005. Spent the afternoon hanging out at a pub in Ottawa with DH's old friend Suit Guy, who shocked us by not wearing a suit. My friend A joined us for dinner and we headed to the War Memorial to see the fireworks. DH and Suit Guy managed to embarass us as they drunkenly wielded toy light sabres on the way back to the pub. Luckily we crashed at Suit Guy's place so no driving home that night. (On a side note, Suit Guy is such a character that DH and I are thinking of starting a blog/website for him. The latest is that he was ticked off when a young woman at a bar approached him and told him how much he looked like Anderson Cooper...not sure why this would upset him, but that's Suit Guy.)

Back to adoption news. The first week of July we found out that the Big Adoption Agency had openings for the Vietnam wait list, so we are now on a 'call-back' list for this program. Honestly, I am still confused by the process because it may be six months to a year until we receive a call about getting our 'dossier' together and sending it, and from there it could be two years. DH and I decided that there's no harm in being on a wait list while we pursue a domestic adoption.

We have visited and signed with one adoption agency and one adoption licensee. It was wonderful to receive feedback on the profile we have been working on for the past couple of months. Surprisingly (or maybe not) each wants different changes made to the profle, so it looks like we need two different profiles. One wants more photos of family/friends and more talk of 'openness' regarding the adoption, while the other wants more action photos. One woman spoke about a pregnant teenager who had recently contacted her, but she told us that we are over the age range that the girl requested (30-35). Yikes. I told this to my friend A and she compared it to online dating and how subjective it is regarding age, race, financial status, looks, interests etc. Online dating sites can't guarantee you'll meet someone you'll fall in love with, and adoption agencies can't gurantee that you'll be chosen by a birth mother.

DH and I have agreed we will give the domestic adoption route a year and see what happens with it and we will also see what happens with the international adoption route. At the moment we still have to make changes to the other profile, but I am feeling too burnt out at the moment to even look at it.

It's Not the End of the World

2011-05-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon I popped over to the corner store for milk and the following headline: "Will & Kate's Baby Heartbreak - She Can't Get Pregnant" caught my eye. In fact I bought that trashy magazine because they put a story about a Royal Family member's possible infertility on the cover.

So, there I was checking out and doing the debit thing when suddenly the teenage girl working the cash checks the headline and makes a comment: "Oh, my God! Isn't that awful? I hope it's not true because that would just be terrible not being able to have children." It was like she hit me in the mouth. I didn't know how to reply to this as she just described my life situation as terrible and awful, so I just nodded and said, "Oh, yeah." Whatever. I was shocked by her negative reaction to infertility and I really did not feel like pouring my heart out to someone who can't legally purchase alcohol.

What I should have told her (if there hadn't been three people lined up behind me) was that it is terrible and awful not being able to get pregnant, but it is not the end of the world. My heart has been shattered but it still beats and I still love my husband with a love that grows with each passing year. In fact, I had no idea that I could love my husband this much when we got married, but infertility has brought us closer. It is awful not being able to create and give birth to a baby, and I thought I would die from the grief of five pregnancy losses, but it is not a death sentence. I don't have Cancer. I will live.

I should have told her that even if Kate Middleton has problems conceiving her husband's family will be able to afford the top fertility specialists that money can afford. With their oodles of wealth they can pay for endless rounds of ivf. If they end up with twins (wink, wink) we'll know they had a bit of help.

I should have told her that not being able to have children is not the end of the world, but it's the beginning of a new adventure for those not faint of heart.

Rainy Day Monday

2011-05-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

The last time I posted Aunt Flo had just paid a visit and now I'm waiting for another visit. She's late but I'm not expecting any miracles this month (or at least I haven't bothered to test) as I've had a few hot flashes -- and I've come through a stressful month -- so, it's just a bad mix of hormones and stress.

The evening after my last post I phoned an old friend hoping to chat and to ask if she might be able to provide a letter of reference for this other adoption agency. She finally got back to me the week after Easter. We caught up on each other's news and I vented about the big international adoption agency in town and mentioned how it was 'driving me crazy.' Her reply was: "Well, you could have a baby and going crazy too." Hmmm, wasn't expecting that retort. Then I told her about the out-of-town adoption agency and how they want five letters of reference, and asked if she could possibly write one. Her reply was: "Well, I don't know." I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I came back with: "But, you told me last summer that you had written numerous reference letters for other friends applying to adopt; couldn't you just use an old one and change it to fit DH and I?" Her reply was: "But, I don't live in the same city as you two so it's not the same." My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach. We've known each other since 1976 when we were in grade 2 together. She's one of two friends that I've poured my heart out to regarding my infertility.

I quickly changed the topic of conversation and we talked on the phone for another hour and I did not mention adoption again. For a week I felt rejected and depressed. How could she not recommend us as parents? I realize she lives in another city now, but we've kept in close contact by phone and she's heard everything about my relationship with DH from the moment we met through our struggles with infertility, and now trying to adopt. DH told me I was taking it too personally, but how else can I take it? Yes, I am personally insulted that this old friend cannot write a letter recommending that my husband and I would be good parents.

Now DH and I will have to ask a few other friends for references. The problem is that throughout our infertility struggle (almost 9 years) we have kept our troubles to ourselves. Most people don't ask us anymore about babies because they assume that we do not want children. When we tell people our situation then we can't take it back because it's out there and I do not want them to pity us. I am afraid they will be constantly asking us about how the adoption is going and why it's taking so long (as my sister and brother-in-law already do). When I bring this up with DH he is pragmatic and says we should just go ahead and write the reference letters and then send them to our friends to sign.

A week after the telephone chat with my old friend I was feeling better. The tv show 'Glee' had an episode featuring music from the Fleetwood Mac album 'Rumours', and there's nothing like the song "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" to make one feel better. The next day I woke and was ready to start preparing our profile and birth mother letter for the out-of-town adoption agency. Then, while I was on the treadmill, my Mother left a message telling me to phone her immediately. I knew by her voice that something was wrong...someone had died. I automatically thought of her two older brothers who both had suffered strokes within the last ten months. When I phoned her back I was shocked to learn it was another uncle who had been in hospital for a procedure and had died the next day. The family still doesn't know the cause of death, although the coroner did request an autopsy. Very sad news. His funeral was the weekend before last and many more tears were shed.

These past few weeks have been stressful, sad, and difficult. Oh, and I forgot to mention that DH and I invited our families over for dinner just this past weekend: his parents on Saturday evening; and my parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew on Sunday. Oh, and for some strange reason on Saturday morning DH accused me of not wanting to adopt anymore. Huh? I have no idea where that came from except that when I am depressed I lose all interest in everything except eating comfort food and watching movies. I was offended, but told him frankly that I had been: freaked out about my mammogram just after Easter (it was okay); depressed by my old friend's rejection of me becoming a mother through adoption; sad by my dear uncle's death; and stressed about entertaining both sets of parents that weekend. Then I added that I was not a robot and that I had feelings. Finally he understood...I think.

Today is a new day and, apart from the endless rain, I can see bright sunny days in our future. They may not be here now, but their time will come, and until then I will try to be optimistic.

A Visitor This Weekend

2011-04-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

Bright and early at 5am this morning Aunt Flo came to visit. AF's appearance may explain why I have been on a major crying jag for two days -- or, ever since our appointment with the 'big' international adoption agency in town. Hormones can really mess up one's emotional state. I'm just thankful that I didn't breakdown in tears during our appointment at the agency.

Yesterday I listened to the Des'ree song "You Gotta Be" while on the treadmill. I kept repeating it as part of the chorus really hit home for me: "you gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger, you gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together." This should be my mantra while going through the adoption process. I've really got to get tougher and stronger to deal with these agencies while DH and I have our marital life scrutinized by strangers.

Yesterday I emailed an out of town agency that handles open adoptions. DH and I went to one of their workshops last November (just over a week after we moved back to Canada). I received a reply today that we could go ahead and register with the agency before our homestudy is completed if we are finished our sessions with our social worker. This has really brightened my day, but the only drawback is that we need to write a birth mother letter, a profile with photos, and get 5 reference letters. The reference letters may be the problem because it is one thing to ask friends to be a 'reference' and it is quite another thing to ask them to put this in a written letter format and have them follow through with it.

Oh, well, guess I must try to be harder, tougher, and stronger if I want to survive this adoption process with both my sanity and marriage intact. Fun days ahead.

Levels of Frustration

2011-04-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

This morning I realized why infertile couples choose not to adopt, or give up on adoption. DH and I had an appointment with a woman at the 'big' international adoption agency in town. Our social worker had suggested that we could get on a waiting list for international adoption while pursuing domestic adoption, so we decided to look into it.

Our goal this morning was to get basic facts and find out how to get on the waiting list for the country we are interested in, which is Vietnam as DH's good friends from childhood are Vietnamese and they are more lenient with adoptive parents' ages. Since Vietnam recently ratified the Hague Convention on international adoption the 'big' international adoption agency in town has adoptions currently on hold. The woman mentioned that we could possibly get on the call back list in 2012. We asked what the difference was between the call back list and the waiting list and she said they were the same thing. Then we asked if we could get on the call back list and she said they were not adding to the call back list until she could go through the list of names she already had, but she would keep us in mind or we could keep inquiring, or keep checking their website. DH and I were completely baffled by this response as there is no logical process to getting on the call back list as it is all left to chance.

This 'big' international adoption agency in town is going to begin processing domestic open adoptions as soon as it receives a license, which is any day now, but, we can't get more information from them until they receive the license. The woman did tell us that the agency would require a 2k non-refundable retainer when we 'register' with them, but she would not answer DH's question of whether this retainer is included in the agency's estimate of total adoption costs.

DH and I were frustrated after we left the 'big' international adoption agency in town. Especially after finding out that they require us to take a workshop with them after we just finished our PRIDE course a month ago. My other frustration with them is that the woman pushed special needs international adoptions. At this point I had to share my late sister's story and how I spent half my childhood being dragged to hospitals and doctors appointments along with my sister. But, the woman seemed to gloss over my history and said that "if we really want to parent" that these international children are available for adoption without a wait list. She then said we could specify what kind of disability we would accept for adoption. So, how does one exactly prioritize what kind of disability is acceptable? That one makes my stomach turn. I am also irked that we came in asking questions about a specific nation for international adoption, and we were side-tracked to special needs adoptions.

I cried when I got home. When will it get easier? First infertility, then fertility treatments, then recurrent pregnancy losses, then kafkaesque adoption procedures and agencies. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how international adoptees do not automatically become Canadian citizens when adopted by Canadian citizens. We must apply for citizenship/sponsorship for the child when he/she is brought back to Canada, and therefore must obtain (and retain) a passport from his/her birth nation until the process is completed. I wonder how much more frustration I can deal with before I break.

Waiting For Spring

2011-03-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of spring, but where I am right now it is snowing so I am still waiting for robins and daffodils. I really hate March in Canada.

Our home visit by the social worker went well...I think. She spent two hours grilling us about our childhood experiences and if we'd been hit or abused, and all sorts of fun stuff like that. Meanwhile, she spent all of two minutes checking out our house. Two minutes...so, all the hours we spent cleaning (and me worrying) amounted to a two minute tour of our home. We have used this clean home as an opportunity to have our parents over to visit...of course not at the same time because that would be insane. Since we've been engaged and married our parents have been in the same room about six times. That's right, six times in nine years (and that includes our wedding rehearsal and wedding day). Oh, seven times if you include my sister's funeral.

Our last meeting with the social worker is next week and I'm working on reading a Deborah Gray book on attachment. Here's hoping we get approved.

Home Study Chez DH & Moi This Sunday

2011-03-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

It's official. I am going crazy. Our social worker visits our home this Sunday and I can't relax. In fact, I am burned out from all the adoption stuff. We finished our PRIDE course several weeks ago and I have been diligently working on our birthmother letter/profile. After Sunday's home visit we have one more appointment with our social worker until our home study ends. Apparently we are supposed to be reading adoption books and listing them for the social worker, but I have only read one so far and need to find others.

We went to the police station last Friday to fill out forms for a criminal check, and also went to another agency to have our finger prints done for the FBI screening. Yes, we are getting checked out by the FBI, believe it or not, because we lived in the United States for almost five years. It will take about three months, but the funny thing is that I have almost no prints on my fingers! The woman doing the imprints complained, but what can I do? Who knew that your fingerprints can wear off over time. I told DH it is because of all the housework I do and he laughed and joked that I could be a criminal -- thanks Honey. Just hope it doesn't negatively impact our home study.

I am crossing my fingers that everything goes well on Sunday with the social worker and she's not detracted by clutter.

Dark Winter Days

2011-02-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

Earlier this morning I was shovelling snow on our back deck. For some strange reason the previous homeowner built a deck that went under the gas furnace exhaust/intake pipes. These pipes are six inches above the deck boards situated a couple of inches between a riser for the patio door and the railing. I have no idea what this couple was thinking when they built the deck the way they did as the snow must be cleared from this area all the time, and it is so awkward to get a shovel in this space that one has to use hands to scoop out the snow between the pipes. Guess DH and I will not be going on any trips during winter until we make changes to the deck, which may not be for a few years. Of course, the whole adoption thing is costing more than I realized so we may not be able to afford a sun holiday for a long time. Grrrrr! Just needed to vent as DH keeps reminding me about how much more things cost up here.

We are halfway through the PRIDE course and have completed our second homestudy visit the other day, so there is a feeling that we are progressing through the 'adoption system'. We need to do more research regarding discipline and we realize that we really should be in agreement on how we will discipline. I have also started a birthmother letter, but have an enormous case of writer's block that sent me straight to the internet for inspiration. If anyone knows of any amazing websites/blogs regarding adoption, or writing profiles/birthmother letters, please feel free to comment.

At this moment I am feeling somewhat hopeful about adoption, but we have been forewarned by our social worker that there are not a lot of birthmothers giving their babies up for adoption. The other bad news is that the big international adoption agency in our city has wait lists of a minimum of two years -- and that is for waiting children with special needs. It seems like other countries are not so keen on foreigners adopting their children as the restrictions appear to be getting tighter (eg. age, weight, marital status etc). If I think too much about the mountain ahead of us I get discouraged, so I try to focus on the present.

The other freaky thing that has happened to me this winter is that I had a menstrual cycle in January. I had been on HRT since August, but I had a strange rash around my left nipple that appeared in September and wouldn't go away. Thinking that there might be a correlation between the rash and HRT, I went off the hormones the week before Christmas. Surprisingly the rash finally disappeared two weeks later. The week after that Aunt Flow came to town for a visit, the day I was leaving for an out of town tournament with my sister and niece. I had not had a period since June and it was weird having it again, and I had forgotten how messy and uncomfortable it can be. Since I had a menstrual cycle I decided to skip the HRT and see if AF visits this month, which should be within the next week.

These dark winter days are getting me down, especially with the homestudy, as well as the PRIDE course taking up one day a weekend for four weeks. I am trying to think of spring, but it seems so far away. Maybe I will stay in this afternoon and watch Dr. Zhivago, since the snow will still be there tomorrow. Oh, I think our Mr Plow guy is here clearing our driveway! Think I might leave the front steps for DH to clean off tonight.

Just a Few More Days

2010-12-21T14:10:00.000-08:00

Just a few more days and Christmas will be over for another year. It has been incredibly difficult this year and I have been full of sadness this past week.

We went for our first visit with our adoption practitioner, who is wonderful, on a snowy morning last week. Of course, I cried going over my history and losses, but the most difficult part was when she warned us that there aren't that many babies put up for adoption in our province. In fact, it's gone down considerably in the past five to ten years. She did tell us there are other avenues to take such as international adoption or adopting from the Children's Aid Society. Then she gave us piles of forms and information an inch thick. I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness as Christmas approaches. The adoption process feels like it is moving further from our grasp the more we proceed.

DH and I avoided an open house on Sunday at a couple's home whom we knew from when we were dating; DH was friend's with the wife and I am not keen on her since she freaked out that we were going to choose the same wedding date as they did 8yrs ago, so we chose the the week after and this couple chose to skip our wedding and go on their honeymoon instead, oh, and they also married in a church that neither attended just because it 'looked good'. They have two children and wrote a sugary newsletter for Christmas. Why do people like this have children easily? Why?

I will be so happy when Christmas is over.

Christmas Time Again

2010-12-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas time again. I was over-the-top excited at the end of November when one local radio station began to play Christmas music 24/7 and I put up our new Christmas tree. But, the blues is starting to creep in. Perhaps it's the endless nights and lack of sunshine, or maybe it's the way the holiday cheer seems to highlight who or what is missing from one's life, but Christmas can be tragic, sad, and happy all at once. There's a radio promo from a new-mum excited about her baby's first Christmas that started it. Then I went shopping at the mall and was taken aback by all the little babies in carriages and strollers. The craziest part is hearing Christmas music with references to baby Jesus and I get emotional with the baby references. It's my pity-party this Christmas because I should have had a baby at this point, but no one is paying any attention to this but me.

On the adoption front we are meeting with our adoption practitioner tomorrow as we are about to start the home study. Hope all goes well. We attended an information session at an international adoption agency about three weeks ago. Not sure if this is the route we are to take, but hopefully our practitioner can offer words of advice. We've also signed up for the PRIDE course that starts this winter. I am a bit scared by the uncertainty of adoption. We are doing all we can in our power, but this does not guarantee we will be parents in a year or two and the uncertainty may drive me crazy.

Since this is our first winter with snow in five years I've been obsessive about shoveling the front steps and driveway. A couple of weeks ago, as I was sprinkling some ice melt stuff on the driveway, our next door neighbor came over and introduced herself. She mentioned how we must find the house so big since it's just the two of us. Well, I decided I was going to upfront and honest, so I told her that we are hoping to adopt. Her face lit up and she exclaimed that her two teenage children are adopted (from Russia) and that another family two houses down have two adopted teenage daughters from China. We had a big chat about adoption and I met her son who gave me his two cents on being adopted. Guess fate meant for us to buy this house on this street.

My In-Between Life

2010-11-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

The past couple of weeks since we moved have been crazy. We still haven't unpacked all the moving boxes as the movers only unpacked our china and dishes, and so we are living in-between boxes -- empty and full. In-between feeling settled in a home and living in a new house. It's ours, but it doesn't feel like 'home' yet, if that makes any sense.

Strangely, this in-between feeling is familiar. It's the world DH and I have been living in since we first started trying to conceive eight years ago. We want to be a family with children, and everyone around us is having children, but we're not there yet. Our married life has been about living on the periphery of what our friends/family have achieved, and almost getting it but having it 'snatched' away with each pregnancy loss.

As we enter the world of adoption I think this in-between life will continue until we have the adoption papers signed. There is a multitude of tasks we must check off before that point and it feels like we're about to climb Mt. Everest.

The workshop we attended last weekend opened our eyes to just how 'open' an adoption can be (bit scary for newbies). We also realized how far behind we were compared to most of the couples in attendance: the majority have completed their home studies and PRIDE training. I had to ask the couple we were seated with what PRIDE training is. It stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education, and the province of Ontario requires this training for all adoptive parents before the home study can be signed off by the adoption practitioner/social worker. Guess we need to find an adoption practitioner/social worker, but we've got an information session at an international adoption agency this week so maybe they'll be able to recommend someone.

Looks like we'll keep living this in-between life of unpacking and getting settled as we begin our adoption journey. Hope we can get unpacked and make our house feel like a home before the home study starts.

Lily Allen

2010-11-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

I survived October! Thank God it's over. I'm still unpacking boxes and probably will be for the next three weeks. Looking forward to the open-adoption workshop this Saturday -- guess I should think of some questions.

Yesterday, I was saddened to read online about singer Lily Allen's miscarriage at six months (is it a miscarriage that late or a stillbirth?), and then the article referred to her previous miscarriage that ocurred just over two years ago. Oh, God...I had a meltdown after reading about her tragic loss as it brought back a wave of memories of my own miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. I hope that people will become more open about miscarriages and realize that it's not a taboo subject to be avoided. If more women were open about miscarriage then it would take away the feelings of isolation and -- at least this is how I felt -- failure. A month ago I believe that Giuliana Rancic came forward with her miscarriage story on 'The View' (I missed it...it was my due date) and I applaud her for her candidness. Here's a great story 'The Lonely Pain of Miscarriage' from The Guardian by Cathryn Scott. Nothing is lonelier than miscarriage.

Help Me Make It Through October

2010-10-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

It's October 28th and I thought I had made it through October (moving month) somewhat unscathed. Earlier in the month I had mini-meltdowns around what would've been my due date. I would lock myself in the bathroom and have a quick cry like Holly Hunter's character in the movie 'Broadcast News', and then feel better for a little while. But, moving in the middle of all this emotional stuff is tough, and suppressing feelings is not healthy.

Also added to this mix is our wedding anniversary (8 years) and my birthday, plus a diagnosis of eustachian tube dysfunction (not deadly, just a constant earache) and a little bladder infection as a cherry on top. I was on so much medication when the movers packed our stuff that I really felt no stress...or much of anything for that matter. We spent a few days at a bed and breakfast before flying back to Canada, and then the last four nights we have camped out at our new place sleeping on an air mattress. Needless to say we were ecstatic to get our furniture and stuff today.

The house doesn't quite feel like a home with all the boxes piled around our furniture, but I was so excited after the movers left. I was busily trying to put stuff in its place later in the afternoon (as my parents are coming over tomorrow for my birthday) when DH pulled me aside and said he had something to tell me. He looked uncomfortable and grim, so I asked who was pregnant. 'Not pregnant, but something else," he replied. Oh...one of his contractors at work (someone he deals with frequently over the phone/email) just had a baby...well, his wife had one...three weeks ago....around the time of what would have been my due date. Yes, I had a meltdown. A major meltdown. Why did he have to tell me the night before my birthday. I love DH, but his timing sucks...he then admitted that he forgot it's my birthday tomorrow....He knows, but he just forgot when he told me the baby news...then he admitted how difficult it is to hear this guy go on and on about a new baby. Sometimes people are self-involved and don't have a clue how to put two and two together and figure out that maybe DH and I have had problems conceiving, and just assume that we don't want children.

Oh, God, now 'Up' is on television. Must have another good cry before my head hits the pillow. Here's hoping I make it through the next few days until we say goodbye to another October.

Closing Day Approaches

2010-09-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I was thinking when we decided to buy a house in July. The plan was to go and check out houses and go back at Christmas to look again. But, we found one we both loved and decided to be crazy and buy it. Don't get me wrong, I still love it and I am excited with the thought of living there, but we have had a lot of stuff to deal with this year: a miscarriage in February and our last FET in June.

This month has been difficult for me as (what would have been) my due date fast approaches. Thoughts about being pregnant and what might have been keep surfacing and I find myself tearing up at odd times. I try not to cry in DH's presence and end up in the bathroom wiping tears with toilet paper. DH has been stressed dealing with moving companies, as well as the bank back in Canada regarding our mortgage, so I don't want to burden him with my sadness. Once I am past the first couple of weeks in October I will be better, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

What has helped me lately is the cathartic process of decluttering -- getting rid of stuff/junk we do not need. It really is a freeing process, and one which DH had difficulty with. After a couple of disagreements/fights, he agreed to part with an Ikea bookcase he's had for 20 years (and it did show its age) as well as photography magazines dating back to 1987. He finally realized that it really is just stuff, and that we have to get rid of the old stuff in order to begin again. I have also taken some of the books I have collected about optimizing fertility and trying to get pregnant to a second-hand bookstore -- no sense moving those again, especially the Taking Charge of Your Ferility book. A new beginning awaits us.

Once I pass the due date I will feel better (this is my new mantra), but why does moving thousands of miles have to be so difficult and stressful? We will get through this. Once we have moved, and our stuff has arrived safely, then I will allow myself a good cry. Until that time I must be strong and get through this.

HRT Rocks

2010-09-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

It will be two weeks tomorrow since my appointment with the gynecologist. The appointment itself got off to a rocky start when I had to wait for an hour to see the doctor, who excused her tardiness by exclaiming that "she's had all these pregnant women today!" Oh, boy. Yep, the tears started and I had a meltdown when I had to give her my history of prior lost pregnancies because it never gets easier talking about them -- especially after spending 45 minutes surrounded by pregnant bellies.

The doctor was skeptical that I am in menopause and thinks that all the lupron has suppressed my ovaries from functioning properly. I explained that the first RE I saw in Canada predicted that I would begin menopause in my early forties due to my high FSH. She was hesitant about prescribing hormones, but I told her I was through with trying to conceive, and I pleaded my case about hot flashes, mood swings, belly weight gain, insomnia, and the stuff nobody talks about: low libido and vaginal dryness. I'm only 41 and I'm not ready for all this stuff. When I told her about being on estrogen patches during the embryo transfer protocol and how amazing I felt, she chuckled and said, "of course you did! You were on estrogen!" She told me she could write me a prescription for a low-dose patch and that I would also have to go on a low-dose progesterone so my lining wouldn't build up too much.

Since it has been two years since my last pap smear I also had one of those. In the past I have suffered through some horrible ones and was surprised at how pain free this one was and complimented the doctor who told me it's probably because of all the fertility treatments I've had. Guess that's a hidden benefit.

The doctor was okay, but since I'm moving I don't have time to find another one. Plus, I'll have to find one back in Canada (hopefully I'll be able to get a family doctor first). I will definitely look for a doctor fresh out of med school since my current GP graduated three years ago and she's awesome. Plus, when I mentioned to the gynecologist (50ish) about pursuing adoption she asked what country was I looking at? I told her I was looking into private adoption in Canada and she seemed surprised, whereas my family doctor had told me that she had helped a handful of patients adopt.

The hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has been wonderful. I feel like myself again. No more PMS-like mood swings and the libido is back. The only thing it doesn't quite solve (so far) are hot flashes, which I still get although not as frequently and not as severe. I am paranoid about breast cancer so I'm checking everyday. Maybe I'm being too paranoid, but I noticed a rash/chafing around my nipple and I'm not sure if this is abnormal or from exercising.

I feel normal and have energy again. For the next couple of months I'm really going to need that energy to get me through our move across the continent.

TTFN Aunt Flo

2010-08-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Aunt Flo is about a month overdue. Usually I dread the monthly visits, but now I long for the arrival.

I tried a home pregnancy test two weeks ago (ok, I was really optimistic for a week before that) and it was a big fat negative. Then I began noticing these strange hot flashes that would randomly occur during the day and some nights I would wake up in a sweat. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist and she advised me to make an appointment with my doctor as it might be a change in hormones. Oh, boy.

A week ago today I went to my doctor and told her my story; the whole story of the embryo transfers and the pregnancy losses -- that's when I had a mini meltdown and shed a couple of tears. She asked if we were going to continue with the fertility treatment and I said that was it. I told her we are looking into adoption and she was really supportive. She also told me that she has helped five of her patients adopt. Guess I never thought about doctors acting as liaison between patients want to adopt and patients who want to give up their baby for adoption. I must remember this when we move back to Canada.

She told me she wanted bloodwork drawn to see if I might be pregnant or if my hormones are crazy, and if I might be going into early menopause. Yikes. I replied that if I was going into early menopause then I wanted hormone replacement. So, I got the bloodwork drawn and the results came back: my estrogen is low and my FSH is 53! Agggh! I'm only 41! Yes, I am in early menopause. Oh, boy. Luckily I had an appointment for acupuncture later that day and that calmed me down. My acupuncturist pointed out through my tears that at least I have taken action and I am doing something about it.

I made an appointment with a gynecologist (who my doctor referred me to) for this Thursday. Hopefully she will tell me all about early menopause and hormone replacement therapy because I am freaked out about the negative impact of low estrogen on my body. So, I guess this may be good bye for Aunt Flo and me.

Unwanted Advice

2010-08-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to get the hair refreshed with more highlights and a cut. My stylist is an amazing colorist, her cutting and styling are okay, but her advice and comments on my life are unwanted.

While I was sitting in the chair with foil sprouting out of my head like a giant sprocket, I told her about DH and I moving back to Canada and the house we just bought (thought I'd warn her that I won't be a client in a few months). She didn't understand why we bought a four bedroom house and I explained that three bedroom homes are difficult to find in the neighborhood we looked at (her English is not the best). I decided to mention that we're thinking about adopting and that is one of our reasons for moving back to Canada. Then she gave me a quizzical look and asked, "You want to adopt? Really? How old are you?" Gulp. I told her my age (41), and she told me I was too old to adopt (gee, as if I hadn't already thought of that) and that I wouldn't want a child when I should be thinking of retirement (gee, how supportive!). I was speechless and I bit my tongue...then I asked her how old she was when she had her youngest: 39. It was then that I realized that she was transferring some of her feelings about having a teenager, and thinking about retirement, onto myself and my situation.

The rest of my time in the chair was quiet because I really did not want to hear anymore of her unwanted advice. Just because someone gives you advice does not mean that you must believe it, or follow it. I think I'll follow my own path and that suits me just fine.

Back Home

2010-08-02T11:17:00.001-07:00

We landed back home last Monday and it has taken me a week to rest from those ten days away. The first weekend away was crazy as we saw about 16 houses in two days. I met an old friend for dinner that first Saturday night and chilled out over a Tom Collins while catching up with gossip. She happens to be single and childfree at the moment, although I tried my best to set her up with DH's good friend as they met us after dinner for drinks. No luck.

By the end of Sunday afternoon we had seen homes in a funky neighborhood close to downtown where we had both lived separately and together, and in the suburb where he had bought our first home together. We were torn between a suburban home and a semi-detached house close to downtown, so we decided to check out the open house at the semi we had seen Saturday. When we arrived the realtor told us it had been conditionally sold the day before. Our decision had been made for us.

We made an offer the next night on the suburban place, and after some back and forth, they accepted the negotiated offer. It's a typical four bedroom house built in the late 90s, with a bonus loft over the garage. DH was ecstatic to discover the homeowners want to leave us their pool table that's situated in the loft -- me, not so much, but it makes him happy. For me, it was the only house we saw that felt like home. The backyard is small but private thanks to hedges and trees, and there's an oak tree in the front (DH's favourite). It's on a quiet crescent in a great neighborhood, where we had initially wanted to buy eight years ago but there had been no homes for sale at the time. The best part is that it's a ten minute walk away from my sister and her family. I've already told my niece and nephew they can come over for lunch, or drop in after school, as it's close to their school thanks to a path through a little park.

The closing date is September 30, which is around the time the baby would have been due. I totally forgot about that when we were picking dates, but then it hit me several days afterward when I was reading 'Firefly Lane' by Kristin Hannah. It's a light read and I was blindsided by a character's sudden miscarriage with major blood loss, and I had a mini-meltdown. All the sad, painful memories came flooding back. I then thought about how far along I would be have been in July and when the baby would be due in early October.

Instead of giving birth to a baby I will be giving birth to a four bedroom, three bath home. Instead of buying a crib, stroller, baby-stuff we will be buying appliances, paint, tile for the laundry room, and harwood flooring for upstairs. I will anxiously await the workmen to install hardwood on the staircase, while each night I will be exhausted from painting and decorating instead of feedings and changing diapers. Now I am glad the closing is around the due date because we will be busy starting this new exciting phase in our married life. A new beginning.

Homeward Bound

2010-07-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

At this moment I should be packing my suitcase, but I can't stay in one spot for more than two minutes, meanwhile our bed is piled with clothes that I need to edit. We are flying home to Canada tomorrow for a visit. DH has a meeting next week at the Canadian office and I thought I'd go along to visit my family.

We will also be looking at houses this weekend with realtors (one downtown and one in the suburbs). I told DH last weekend that my heart wants to move back to Canada so we can seriously look into adoption. He has yet to receive a written offer from the other company, so he really doesn't know how to approach them about declining since the person who offered it to him is in another continent for a month.

This interest in adoption is influencing our choice of homes. Three weeks ago we were looking for a cool townhouse in a funky neighborhood close to downtown, but now I'm throwing a wrench into it by insisting on a backyard. I need a garden. Unfortunately there aren't many homes close to downtown with backyards (that are within our budget) on the market right now, and so we've had to cast the net out to the suburbs.

Today I am excited about the future and the possibility of adoption. I realize that my age (a youthful 41) may be a drawback, but it's now or never time. Now I must decide which clothes to pack. Wish me luck!

Confusion

2010-07-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

A week ago I was trying to pack my bag for our weekend away in the big city, when DH came home with the news that he received a phone call from the company he interviewed with two months ago and they gave him a job offer...and they wanted him to make a decision in two days. My stomach sank as I tried to keep it together and pack. I really wasn't expecting this news.

While DH was driving the car my teary eyes were hidden by my dark shades because I really didn't want him to know how disappointed I was that we weren't going to be moving closer to home. I had talked myself into moving back and maybe looking into adoption, but the job offer is in the US so that wouldn't be a possibility.

After we checked into the hotel we went out for sushi and I had a big glass of sake. DH was trying to talk me into moving back to Texas (where the job is located and where we had lived several years ago). I was just having a difficult time processing everything that had happened the last week, and so I needed some retail therapy, and then a chocolate martini when we went back to the hotel. We drew up a pros and cons list and the new job won. The only drawback was the salary/job title, but we decided not to make a decision at that moment.

The Saturday involved oodles of retail therapy that included, among other things, a funky pair of cork platform sandals with magenta straps (that perfectly matches the magenta Coach bag I bought earlier this year). Had a difficult moment in Banana Republic when a woman walked in with a giant stroller that contained twin babies. My reaction was to move away from her as quickly as possible, but it felt like she was following me because she was there everytime I turned around.

Conversation at lunch and dinner revolved around the dilemna of whether DH should take the job offer, or stay in his current position and approach his boss about a possible move to the Canadian office. As much as I love my husband he was really stressing me out because he couldn't make up his mind, and so I had two martinis over dinner (and another one when we got back to the hotel). Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but after DH and I ordered dinner we noticed the waiters adding two high-chairs to a long table next to us. I piped up and told our waiter that we wanted to move to another table because we wanted a quiet, romantic table, and they complied. Honestly, at that point if a couple of babies were seated next to us I would have had a meltdown.

Through the alcohol haze and retail therapy of the weekend, DH decided to verbally accept the position in Texas if the salaray was increased slightly. When he phoned on Monday and told the prospective boss this, DH was surprised that he did bump the salary. But, he later realized that he forgot to tell him about the visa situation (there are actually 2 years left on it), so he sent him a quick email explaining that he couldn't start working until the visa is transferred. Meanwhile, on Tuesday he spoke with his current boss about the possibility of transferring to the Canadian office and he had no problem with it, so that evening DH comes home and tells me he doesn't know what to do.

The past few days have been nerve wracking for me. DH keeps changing his mind, and he keeps asking me what he should do, and I don't want to tell him what to do because I know I will get blamed in the future if he is unhappy. He is also waiting for a written job offer, which still has not appeared (maybe they've stalled regarding the visa situation). Plus, I am still grieving that I will never give birth as this fact slowly sinks into my consciousness. I still have strange moments where my eyes fill with tears when I see babies on television, or when I read about another pregnant celebrity, or when I hear about some meth-head woman trying to sell her baby for $25 in a parking lot.

Acupuncture was a godsend on Wednesday because it calmed me down and I was able to listen to my inner voice. It made me realize that in my heart I would like to move home and be closer to family (especially as my niece and nephew are entering their teen years), but I don't want to rush into it and buy the first house we see. The realtor has been sending us email alerts of homes on the market and I haven't seen anything I really love. The worst part is clicking on the photos and seeing baby rooms with cribs. Unfortunately, that makes me not like the house. I know it's silly, but when I see a crib it makes me think of the miscarriage and how far along I'd be at this moment -- probably buying a crib and preparing a nursery. At least in my heart I know what I want, but as for DH who knows...

Meltdown

2010-07-01T15:39:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a rocky road for me as everday brings a new emotional rollercoaster. One hour I'm happy with life and the next I'm crying. I'm blaming hormones as I quit them a week ago and started bleeding three days ago.

Last hour I had a meltdown when I received a call from an RN at our health insurance provider offering a pre-natal service over the phone for if/when I get pregnant. I thanked her and told her we are no longer doing fertility treatments, but I would use the service if I suddenly were to find myself pregnant. She then mentioned that we could try adopting because she had heard stories of women who had adopted and then found themselves pregnant. (ARGHHHHHHHH!!!) Well, I told her that DH and I are in adoption limbo: we are Canadians living in the US (as DH tries to climb the corporate ladder); because we aren't American citizens we cannot adopt in the US or use an American adoption agency for a foreign adoption; but, on the other hand we cannot adopt in Canada, or use a Canadian adoption agency for a foreign adoption, because we don't currently reside in Canada (this is only available to Canadians overseas in the military or diplomatic service, NOT to those in the business world). At this point my voice started cracking and then it went downhill when I told her about my miscarriage a few months ago. Yes, I cried on the phone to a complete stranger. Oh, boy...still can't believe I did that. In the end I did manage to pull myself together and ask about getting my acupuncture covered as it is not covered if it is for fertility, but she did tell me to try and get them to start a new chart for me under 'general well being'. Hmmm, so acupuncture for something specific like fertility is not covered while acupuncture for 'general well being' is. Crazy.

The meltdown I just mentioned is an example of how my mental state has been this past week. DH has seemed to bounce right back. He was sad when I told him, but he's been trying to keep my mind, and his, off of things by organizing a trip away this weekend. We're off to the City and a bit of retail therapy, and since my waistline isn't quite back to normal yet thanks to all the hormones I will concentrate on shoes and bags. Plus, there's nothing like a hotel room for bringing out the amorous side. It will be wonderful to get away from the mundane details of life for a couple of days.

This past week DH has booked us a flight back to Canada to visit family later in July as he has meetings in the Canadian office at that time. No problem since I'm not pregnant. He's also contacted a realtor there about looking at houses while we're there. Whoa. This is a lot to absorb the week after my negative pregnancy test and deciding to end fertility treatments. I still can't think straight. I guess if we did move back then we could possibly look into adoption, although at 41 I'm not sure what our chances are of adopting a baby/young child. My head is still spinning and DH hasn't even asked his boss yet if he can transfer to the Canadian office. The dilemna is that DH's visa expires in 13 months so we need to know whether to start the Green Card apppication now or pack our things and transfer back.

Yes, this past week has been crazy for me. I've been trying to lose myself in cleaning therapy and movie therapy, both of which help me immensely. It's just that I'm coping with a number of things at once and trying to keep my head above water. Guess I'll just keep treading.

It's a Negative

2010-06-24T11:03:00.001-07:00

The result is in and it's officially a negative. Guess our one good embryo did not want to stay. I just found out an hour ago and had a good cry. The nurse asked me if I wanted the doctor to phone me and talk...Um, NO. I can't imagine what he would say to me except to try again with another egg donor, but at this point we're too drained financially and emotionally to go through it again. Not sure if we should make a WTF appointment since we're not planning on doing ART again. I haven't phone DH yet, and my acupuncturist wants me to phone her with the news (good or bad). Now I'm wondering if I should continue on the acupuncture path or call it quits. Lots of thoughts running through my head...just wish some of them were clear and logical.

The Dreaded Wait

2010-06-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day I go for bloodwork to see if our one good embryo decided to stay in my uterus and grow. Lately I've been looking out for any physical changes that might indicate that I'm pregnant.

Yesterday I was convinced that I was because I awoke to the taste of vomit in my mouth. Yes, it wasn't pleasant but I guess DH's spaghetti sauce from the night before did a number on my tummy and acid reflux made an appearance. All day I was feeling nauseated, but today I feel wonderful. I keep looking at my breasts in the mirror after I shower to see if they've changed, but nothing so far. I'm tempted to try a home pregnancy test, but since I've had a history of chemical pregnancies I don't think it would really help.

It seems like every hour I change my mind whether I might be pregnant or not. Honestly, I must confess I've been looking at baby stuff online because this might be the last time I can do this with some hope in my heart. If it is negative tomorrow I won't be able to look at baby stuff again without feeling a tinge of sadness...but no regret.

One Good Embryo

2010-06-14T15:43:00.000-07:00

The FET was yesterday morning and I was so excited that I could barely sleep the night before -- even though I went for acupuncture Saturday evening. While DH drove to the clinic I had a sudden sense of dread: this is the final FET we will do. It was beginning to feel momentous and I had to calm myself by focusing on the moment.

Sunday proved not to be the best time to undergo an embryo transfer. DH and I were relaxed but the nursing staff was rushing the process because they wanted to (or so it seemed) finish and enjoy the beautiful weather. The worst part was when the embryologist came to talk and told us that out of five frozen embryos only one survived! The good news, we were told, was that this one embryo had 7 cells and looked great, although I took little comfort in the knowledge that our one embryo looked super; instead I fought back tears and tried to hide my disappointment. One embryo. Later yesterday afternoon I realized that we were lucky to have one good embryo instead of none at all. I can't imagine how devastated we would have been if we had received a phone call saying that none had survived.

One embryo...DH keeps reminding me that it only takes one. Here's hoping that this one good embryo likes my uterine lining enough to stick around for some time.

You Make Plans and God Laughs

2010-06-11T16:08:00.001-07:00

The ultrasound at the clinic went well this past Wednesday. My uterine lining is at 9.6 mm and the FET is set for this Sunday at eleven in the morning. Yesterday and today I have been cleaning like crazy. I don't want to do any housework until the pregnancy test on the 24th. DH states that he will help out, but men (okay, those that are straight) have a different standard of clean compared to women. My thinking is that if I scrub everything in the bathroom then it could possibly last for a few months without getting too grimy. Trying to be optimistic and planning on resting for the next couple of weeks. At the moment I'm excited about date night with DH. Take each moment as it comes.

On a side note: Real Housewives of NYC is a guilty pleasure of mine. Last night was part one of a reunion and the ladies have been extra caustic this season, especially Jill, although I would love to have pinot grigio with Ramona and Sonja someday because they would be a riot. There was a moment last night when Bethanny was talking about her surprise pregnancy (very jealous; why can't I have one?) and Jill said "you make plans and God laughs." I love it. This is perfect for me. At this point in my life I had planned on having two or three kids, but God must have found that one profoundly funny and laughed hysterically for years...eight to be exact.

Good Quote

2010-06-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I picked up a magazine in the clinic's waiting room and flipped through it. The bold lettering of "On her struggles with infertility" jumped out at me; it was the June issue of Ladies' Home Journal featuring excerpts from Laura Bush's memoirs. Thanks to being hepped up on estrogen I got teary-eyed after reading the paragraph. My first impulse was to take the magazine, but I realized that wasn't right and that other women might like to read it as well. So, I left the magazine open to the paragraph and bought myself a Ladies' Home Journal yesterday afternoon. Like others struggling with infertility, I find comfort and strength knowing that I'm not alone...that others have travelled the same road. Just wish more women in the public eye who have gone through infertility would be more open and vocal about their experience.

"...each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Laura Bush, Ladies' Home Journal, June 2010

Another Week?

2010-06-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

DH and I went for a 'pre-op' appointment today for the FET and it appears that my lining isn't cooperating. At 7mm my uterine lining isn't optimal for a transfer next week so we will be pushing the transfer date back. Since we only have a few embryos left -- and this will be our last FET -- I'm glad that the doctor is being cautious. The only horrible part about pushing dates back is that I have to continue being on lupron and three estrogen patches a day. My fingers are crossed that we have enough lupron left in prior vials to last until next Wednesday (when I go in to have the lining re-checked) since we have enough syringes.

The other horrible part about being on three estrogen patches until Wednesday is that they turn me into a banshee. Last night my calmness from acupuncture was disrupted when DH and I got into a fight over something as trivial as making chocolate chip cookies (I was craving them), not from scratch but the ones you slice and pop into the oven. It was incredibly irrational but I could not contain my emotional outburst: every little irritating thing that I had been ignoring came spilling over the top like a volcanic eruption. DH was scared and suggested that we cancel the transfer. Finally I got the emotions under control but I hope our relationship can withstand my emotional outbursts for another week.

Estrogen Days

2010-06-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

Today I bumped up my estrogen intake. I'm on estrogen patches instead of pills and they are a gift from God. The pills gave me terrible headaches whereas the patches just make me woozy whenever I add an extra one, and today I am on three. Before the last FET in January I scratched the car on the curb when I was on three patches and so I've decided not to drive this week. DH will chauffeur me to and from acupuncture tonight.

According to my accupuncturist I am supposed to relax and not undertake anything stressful before the transfer. This is easier said than done with me. Since I will try to stay off my feet after the transfer until the pregnancy test I have been trying to do some extra cleaning. DH will take over the cleaning duties, but he cleans as quickly as possible and ignores dusting. Perhaps I should introduce him to the feather duster in the closet. I am also going through my closet and purging clothes that no longer fit or that I haven't worn in a year. This is difficult for me because I get sentimental about clothes. I still have a pink wool sweater set that I bought right after I first started dating my husband 10 1/2 years ago -- back when I was a size 4. Yes, that was many sizes ago but I can't part with it even though I'm giving all of the unwanted clothes to Goodwill.

The estrogen makes me overly emotional. Tears start flowing whenever I hear a sappy song on the radio, or something sentimental on television. We finally watched the finale of Celebrity Apprentice last night and the tear floodgates opened when Bret Michaels limped onstage. An hour ago I was reading a gossip website that listed new celeb pregnancy announcements and I started tearing up. It is good news that Celine Dion and Mariah Carey are pregnant since they are around my age, but I just started feeling sad...sad about the miscarriage in February. I've been so optimistic about the FET next week that I haven't thought about the miscarriage in a long time. Now doubt is starting to creep back into my thoughts about the FET. All I can think about are the odds of it working again twice in a row. Maybe I'll feel better after acupuncture tonight.

Lupron Days

2010-05-19T14:17:00.001-07:00

Started lupron just over a week ago and it's like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it -- the process stays imprinted on your brain -- but, the first couple of times trying it again are a bit wobbly. Yes, I admit I freaked out about pushing the needle through my skin, but after a week I'm fine and it's all part of the routine now.

The thing I hate most about lupron is that it sucks the life right out of me. I have no energy and I really have to force myself to go to the gym. Although once I'm there the treadmill is addictive, and I've started doing 3 to 3 1/2 miles at least three times a week. I have noticed a change in my body shape, which is wonderful, but the drawback is chafing in some unusual places. Guess it may be time to invest in a sports bra and see if anyone actually makes sports underwear.

Today I'm awaiting Aunt Flow's arrival because I'm set to start estrogen tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I can begin the estrogen without my day 1. The hormonal rollercoaster ride is set to begin. Honestly, I'm getting tired of all the hormones and am secretly happy that this is the last time I'll be doing all of this. Although, I did hear that actress Kelly Preston is three months pregnant at age 47 so maybe I should never say never.

Sunny Days Ahead

2010-05-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been crazy with the in-laws visiting, leaving (whew!), DH's job interview and week-long business trip. We also moved the embryo transfer date to early June plus Mother's Day this year fell around the anniversaries of my sister's death and an earlier miscarriage. So, I've been up and down and all around emotionally these two weeks and I am just beginning to feel steady and even again.

The in-laws left three weeks ago yesterday and it took me a week to recover. I have delayed writing about their visit because I needed some distance. You see, if I had written the day after they left it would have consisted of nasty, hateful comments and I don't want to fill my life with hate. The strange part is that I had a good conversation with MIL when we were alone and I told her about trying another embryo transfer -- she understands how I feel but emphasized how disappointed DH was when I had the miscarriage (notice how it's all about her son and not me). The last few days we went on an overnight trip and I began to push back when she made negative comments. I did snap at her when she began clipping her fingernails in the backseat of our car (Oh, my God! Who clips their nails in someone else's car or in public for that matter?). To my credit I held my tongue when she was smacking gum in the backseat and made a fuss about having the window down because it messed her short, straight hair (okay, I did push back on that one). But, the main reason I just don't care about my in-laws anymore: during a toast on their second-last dinner with us, my FIL thanked DH for all his hospitality with nary a mention of yours truly. With that, I mentally wiped my hands clean of these people. I love their son, but I really don't care about them, and the last day was great because there's no stress when you don't care. (Perhaps now I should mention that DH finally revealed that the reason he arrived at the church just two minutes before I did on our wedding day was because his parents arrived late at this hotel room and made him late; also, both his parents refused to give the speech at our wedding dinner welcoming me to his family and his sister gave it instead, perhaps I should have clued in at that time to their ambivalence towards me.)

A couple of days before the in-laws departed, DH received a phone call from a former colleague wondering if he'd like to interview for a position at the company where she works. This company is in the city where we lived before this one about a thousand miles away. Once the in-laws left we were able to talk about it and decided he should go for the interview and he did a week ago yesterday. No word yet, but DH did worry about the 'what ifs' with the embryo transfer in late June. Oh, the 'what ifs' can really make you anxious. So, I phoned the clinic and asked if we could move up the transfer date to earlier in June and it is now scheduled for June 7, and I start lupron tonight! DH's former colleague texted that they really liked him and his potential boss is thinking about making him an offer, but that was two days ago and with this economy who knows what may happen. I'm trying not to think about it because I need to focus on being relaxed.

I survived Mother's Day by ignoring it. Don't worry, I phoned my Mother as she lives hundreds of miles away. DH and I went for brunch at an Irish pub in a nearby college town and then checked out an antique fair that was going on. Bought a black satin evening bag from the 60s with a rhinestone clasp as well as a couple of scarves -- including an 80s Adrienne Vittadini silk scarf.

I am feeling a bit nervous about the lupron shot tonight, but I am sure the first shot is the worst and I just need to get back into the habit of doing it.

Expected Arrival

2010-04-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

The in-laws rented a car and went on a little side-trip exploring in the mountains for a couple of days. Can't write a long post in case they arrive back -- because they know nothing about this blog -- and because I have no idea what time to expect them back. My FIL is obsessed with this new GPS software program he got for his laptop, so he is making my MIL sit with this huge laptop on her knee for the trip. Oh, boy. Hopefully they will find their way back to our place. God give me strength. Tomorrow we are playing tourist again and I will be in the car with them for a few hours. Have I mentioned that my MIL talks just to hear her voice in the car? She just chatters away, but not really having a conversation with anyone...just thinking out loud. I thought I was going to lose it with her last weekend. But, the worst part is when she puts on a little girl/babyish voice when speaking. Not cute when you're speaking with other adults, and especially not cute when you're over 60 years old. How should I react to a baby voice out of my MIL? My Mother told me to quit talking like that when I was 12. God give me strength. Just five more days.

In-Law Visit Countdown

2010-04-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

Three days (not counting today) until the in-laws come to visit. I should be stressed but I'm not. Currently I'm getting over a nasty cold and just beginning to feel good again, and feeling somewhat guilty about not making it to the gym during my sick days. I really need to dust but maybe later. DH has planned the menus as per my request since they are his parents and he knows what they like to eat. It's strange but I don't really care anymore about their visit. The epiphany is that I am not responsible for their happiness, and my MIL will not like anything so why bother? Perhaps this isn't the best attitude but I'm protecting myself. DH also told me not to listen to anything his mother says as that is what he does. Fun times ahead.

On Track for The Last FET

2010-03-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

DH and I went to the clinic this morning to meet with our nurse/coordinator to schedule the last FET. Since my first cycle after the miscarriage has been long and strange (3 weeks later and I'm still spotting) I decided that I did not want to rush anything and opted for a late June transfer date. Hopefully this will give me enough time to get into a bit of shape at the gym, and enough time to build my strong 'house' (as the acupuncturist refers to my uterus). The in-laws are scheduled to visit between April 16 and April 26, but I decided that I am not going to stress about it. In fact, I told DH that he is in charge of this visit: he must decide the menus, he must clean/tidy the spare bedroom and bathroom, and he is in charge of entertaining them. In other words, I am not responsible for their happiness and will do my best to keep a smile on my face no matter what my MIL may say.

DH and I finally got around to watching the movie Revolutionary Road. It had been on the PVR since late January and it was about time. Oh, boy. I had some idea that it was bleak, but that ending was quite upsetting for me post-miscarriage. The shot of the blood dripping onto the floor was the end of me. DH told me not to look, but I looked anyway. Don't think I'll ever watch that one again.

Just want to wish everyone a Happy Passover and a Happy Easter!

Building My 'House' Through Acupuncture

2010-03-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I went for my first acupuncture appointment. I spoke with the acupuncturist about my fertility issues, recent miscarriage, and desire to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months. She told me that I could only try FET in late June at the earliest as I needed to 'build a house' for the embryo; a strong house that won't break when under stress. Her course of action is to strengthen my immune system and make my uterus strong. I really like that point of view as preparing the uterine lining for a transfer is the main focus of the fertility clinic, and acupuncture will help. Of course, since the appointment DH has been teasing me about building my 'house'.

The acupuncturist also gave me instructions that I must follow. Unfortunately I had some difficulty understanding her English because she has a thick Chinese accent, but I think I managed to get the most important ones. The first one is that I am not allowed to drink any coffee, even decaf, but I can drink green or jasmine tea (not black tea). The second is that I am not allowed to drink cold liquids (not sure if this applies to food). The third instruction is that I am supposed to keep my abdomen, kidneys, and feet warm. Apparently cold is not good for 'young qi'. I really must do some research on this, but I've decided to try her instructions because I have nothing to lose and I love the idea of 'building my house' for the embryos.

WTF Doctor Appointment

2010-03-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Late yesterday afternoon DH and I went for our 'WTF' doctor appointment to discuss the miscarriage and what the next steps will be. I nearly fell off my chair when the doctor told us that a gestational surrogate could be a solution to my repeated pregnancy loss. Not that I have anything against surrogacy, but musicmakermomma's doctor had recently suggested the same thing to her. Then the light bulb clicked in my brain: my doctor is giving me a textbook answer/suggestion. I can see it now in a RE textbook: when a patient is left with several frozen embryos after a history of unsuccesful transfers and/or early unexplained losses, suggest using a surrogate. I was rankled by the suggestion and told the doctor my 'situation': an old friend recently volunteered to be my surrogate, but she is in Toronto (single, with a toddler) and I'm on the US west coast, and I think it would be too complicated on so many different levels to involve her, eg. what if it worked and something were to happen to her (since she's a single mother); what if it worked and she had a miscarriage or if it didn't would I blame her? And would that come between our friendship. Also, I told the doctor (as selfish as it sounds) that I'm doing all this to experience pregnancy and childbirth, and that if I can't then I might as well go the adoption route.

We honestly did not learn anything new at this doctor's appointment. He said that the miscarriage wasn't caused by the mercury fillings in my mouth, or by anything I did, but rather because of something wrong with the embryonic structure. The only thing we haven't tested is DH's karyotype, but at this point it's irrelevant because we already have the embryos so it doesn't make a difference if there is a problem. At the appointment I could see DH's eyes well up when this subject was discussed, so I tried to lighten the mood by joking that maybe my body is 'allergic' to DH's genetic structure and so it rejects the embryo, but the doctor disputed this and said it probably wasn't valid. Sheesh, I can't get a break anywhere.

Proudly, I did not break down during the appointment, although I had to bite my lip to stop tears when the doctor spoke about the miscarriage and my previous four losses. I am worn down and close to tears by the fact that modern medicine's answer to recurrent pregnancy loss is that it is due to a genetic problem with either the sperm or egg.

DH and I agreed prior to this appointment that we would like to try one last FET to use up all five embryos. We usually lose two during thawing, so then we would have three. I asked the doctor if it would be possible to transfer three embryos and he went into a long ramble about how dangerous a triplet pregnancy is and then on about the octo-mom and her crazy doctor. He won't transfer more than two embryos.

At this point I need to phone the nurse/coordinator and set up an appointment to decide when to do the FET. Not sure when to do it, but I know I need more recovery time so it may be pushed out to late May or early June.

Going to the Doctor

2010-03-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

Later this afternoon DH and I have an appointment with our doctor at the fertility clinic. Hopefully he will be able to provide some answers as to why I miscarried and if we can transfer the remaining frozen embryos. I assume that he will say that he doesn't know why I miscarried and that these things sometimes happen, and that we can try again. We have five frosties left and we usually lose two when they are thawed, so that leaves three. I am hoping we can transfer three, but I'm afraid that we won't be allowed to do this as our doctor is board certified and is against transferring more than two at a time. He always cites the danger of multiple births, but so far my record shows that only one embryo implants when we have two transferred...I have no idea why this happens.

I also want to ask the doctor whether the mercury in my fillings may have caused the miscarriage, or maybe the new skin cream I started using a few days before the loss happened may have affected the pregnancy. My mind is full of irrational thoughts like these. It would be so much easier if there were a tangible cause that I could point a finger at instead of the 'we don't know what causes most miscarriages' line.

On the in-laws visit front, reportedly they are coming mid-April but they haven't bought tickets. Of course, as luck would have it, the date they want to visit overlaps with a business trip DH has on the other side of the continent. Hope he explains this to them since I would assume they want to spend time with their son. God give me strengthe. At least I know that I definitely do not want to be on hormones when my MIL is in town.

As for our weekend away, it was lovely and very relaxing. So wonderful to be in the 'woods' with no sound -- except the noisy neighbours in their hot tub. We really enjoyed the wood fireplace, which made us realize that we need a fireplace in the next place we live in the future.

The Aunt is Back in Town

2010-03-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, Aunt Flow finally arrived this morning. At first I wasn't sure if it was spotting, but after showering I knew AF was here for the weekend. Of course, as luck would have it, DH and I are going away to a country inn this weekend for his birthday. Originally I was hoping it might be a 'romantic' weekend for us, but AF has put a damper on that and I'm disappointed. DH made me feel better by telling me that we have the rest of our lives to be 'romantic' and we'll have other 'dirty weekends' to look forward to. Bad timing is a major theme in my life...

In preparation for this weekend I went and got my highlights touched up as well as a cut and style. M is the best colorist I have ever had, but she takes forever -- for full highlights (I usually get partial, but it's been over a year since I've had all the hair done) it took her 90 minutes. My stylist is Vietnamese and her English isn't that great but we try our best to communicate, so in the course of 90 minutes we chatted and I decided to open up about my miscarriage. She felt bad for me, but then a few minutes later she asked me how long DH and I had been married and I told her over seven years...then came: "Why didn't you start sooner?" Oh, boy. I felt tears starting to rise, but I held back and replied that we've been trying for seven years. That made her speechless and I buried my nose in a People magazine (actually, the one with Celine Dion talking about her IVF struggle). But, M does have a heart when she scurried me over to the sink to take out the foil after a woman with her baby came in to get her bangs trimmed in the chair next to us. Maybe she saw my eyes start to water and my lips quiver as I bit down to stop the tears as I heard the woman talk about her baby. When I got back to the chair, the woman and baby were gone and M told me about her sister-in-law who had a baby at 42 after three miscarriages, and then about a client who was married 13 years before she had her baby. Honestly, I love getting my hair done because it makes me feel wonderful but I really had not prepared myself for running into babies at the salon.

DH is wondering when I'll be done so we can get out of here...not sure how he'll react when I tell him I haven't packed yet. Nothing like the adrenaline of packing at the last possible moment. Hope everyone has an amazing weekend and I'll drink a glass of wine for everyone out there (my first since Christmas!!!).

PS
I bought a lovely blouse by Sweet Pea, and some Estee Lauder products (because it was a bonus event at Macy's) during my retail therapy the other afternoon. Love the Sweet Pea by Stacy Frati blouse because it is so flattering to my post-miscarriage tummy.

Feeling Good...Finally

2010-03-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

It will be four weeks tomorrow since the miscarriage and I am finally feeling good again. Time is a great healer. Don't get me wrong, I still have emotional moments but everyday is getting a bit better.

Thanks to everyone for the advice on what to do about the in-laws visiting. DH and I had many discussions about it over the weekend and he phoned his parents to tell them not to book any flights until we meet with the doctor next week. As DH pointed out I may not be able to start an FET for another 2-3 months -- we'll have to ask the doctor about that next week. Not sure how long it takes to recover from a miscarriage (or when I should expect Aunt Flow to make a visit), plus I need to recover emotionally from this loss before trying the FET. Here's hoping the doctor will have answers next wee.

Tomorrow I am planning on a bit of retail therapy to pick up my spirits. I must remember to stick to the sales racks since we have to save some dollars for another FET. Although, I must admit that I bought an amazing magenta Coach bag over the weekend. Okay, it was at an outlet and was marked down 70% (maybe because it's magenta) so I don't feel too guilty. Now, what can I wear a magenta bag with?

Olympics Withdrawal & Possible MIL Visit

2010-03-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am really missing the winter olympics right now. Watching the winter olympics on television helped to get my mind off the miscarriage as I could really lose myself watching the different competitions. This week I've been trying to watch old movies on TCM, but it doesn't have the same effect.

What is really weird lately is my lack of interest in fashion magazines and shopping. Usually the mere thought of retail therapy is enough to rouse me out of the deepest valley, but it is not working. DH came home from a trade show yesterday with a $50 Bloomingdales gift card he won because he wore a giveaway button (??). It made me happy but not exactly excited.

The other strange thing is my lack of appetite, but this could be an after effect of the miscarriage from the drop in hormones and loss of blood. The silver lining is that I think I am losing weight, but it's strange not to feel hunger and it lands me into trouble when I forget to eat.

Last night after DH gave me the Bloomingdales gift card -- and announced himself as the world's greatest husband -- he broke the news that his parents want to come and visit. OMG! I said sure and that July/August would be a good time, and he said they want to come in May/June. You see, we have 5 frozen embryos left and we were thinking of trying another FET, but we're not sure when that will be or when I will be medically allowed to do it. DH thinks the visit would be better sooner rather than later, but I told him that his parents (mother specifically) stress me out. Lots of stress equals no pregnancy. So, I gave him orders to tell his parents they can visit us anytime between now and the end of April or July/August, and to be straight up with them that we are trying again. I refuse to let them visit us within three weeks of a transfer, especially since this will be our last try. Have I mentioned how I can't stand my passive aggressive MIL? In fact, my SIL has cut my MIL out of her life...and DH sees no problem because he is the golden boy. I can't let her ruin this. What should I do?

Empty

2010-02-25T14:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was two weeks since the miscarriage, and today I decided to try and get back into some sort of routine. Started going for a short walk in the morning -- even though it is tiring it does brighten my day and I've got to regain my stamina. I got off the sofa and did two loads of laundry. Being busy does help to get my mind away from sad thoughts.

Honestly, I am not as sad as I thought I would be. Instead I am feeling empty and a sense that something is missing. I have cried, and had a few teary nights right before bed. Nights are the worst for me and it's been like that since my twenties. I've cried myself to sleep far too often and have ruined many a pillow with my tears.

DH holding me usually calms me down. He is terribly unhappy at work these days and I listen to him as he vents his frustration in the evenings, but I just can't be there for him to make him feel better because I've got to make myself better. Sometimes it's difficult being someone's rock when you're on quick sand.

These days I try to find happiness in small things and hope to fill my emptiness with them. I have a large vase full of red and orange tulips that brighten my spirits and make me smile. The winter olympics have been a godsend and I watch NBC coverage during the day and in the evening. Take each day as it comes because each day it gets better, and soon this empty feeling will be gone. This too shall pass.

Blue

2010-02-19T12:45:00.000-08:00

Last week at this time I was physically drained and feeling like a zombie -- and, looking like a vampire due to the blood loss. Today I feel emotionally drained. The tears come at weird moments like watching the winter olympics and thinking I'll never have a little one to take to ski hills, figure skating, or hockey. Much like the overcast skies I feel blue, or maybe I have a case of the "mean reds" like 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Retail therapy might be just the cure, but I'm afraid seeing pregnant bellies and baby strollers might induce an emotional breakdown. So, today I'm trying cleaning therapy to brighten my day.

Suddenly

2010-02-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

Funny how a week ago today I was so happy -- DH and I had gone for an ultrasound prepared for the worst, but surprisingly pleased to see that everything was going well. The doctor even said it looked like a picture in a textbook. The little 'bean' was throbbing and bouncing a bit, but the doctor managed to give us a picture to take home. I didn't dare put it up on our fridge, but instead put in a folder my agenda. I haven't looked at it since and I don't know if I can look at it again.

The next day I started spotting. I had gone for a short walk and felt great; it had been the first morning in weeks where I woke up feeling good. I phoned the clinic to notify them about the spotting and promptly reclined on the sofa. An hour later I went to the bathroom and there I had this sharp pain in my lower back and then I noticed the toilet was full of bright blood. Oh, God. I phoned the clinic to tell them that I was bleeding heavily; someone phoned back to tell me that the doctor had an opening later in the day, and then I phoned DH at work. It was at this point that I noticed the blood on my legs...it had soaked through the pad and through my clothes within a half hour. Oh, God. I spent an hour sitting on the toilet with blood gushing out. I knew that this did not bode well for the pregnancy, but I was beginning to get scared for myself. At this point I had absolutely no pain, so it felt strange to be losing so much blood with no cramping. Luckily DH came home at some point and helped me fix myself up to go to the doctor's office.

We placed a dark brown towel on the car seat before departing. I didn't feel that bad, although the bumps did bother me. After signing in I dashed into the bathroom to notice that I had saturated the two pads I had put on 40 minutes before. Luckily I made it to the waiting room moments before someone came to get us. The next few hours are fuzzy for me. I had a meltdown in the room with the ultrasound when the nurse asked me to undress from the waist down as I was bleeding so much, but I did it. Sitting there with blood dripping down to the floor scraped away any ounce of dignity I had left.

The doctor gently informed us that this may not be good news as he proceeded to give me a vaginal ultrasound. From here, it gets crazy as I saw the sac first and couldn't believe it. What? How could it still be there? The doctor measured everything and said it was at the correct size and had grown in two days and there was cardiac movement. I was stunned that I could be bleeding so much and pass so many clots and it was still there. The doctor mentioned something about a torn/ruptured blood vessel on the placenta. He had another appointment but asked that I rest there to see if the bleeding would slow down.

At that point, I had calmed down thinking that it was still inside of me, although the doctor did call it a threatened miscarriage. A million thoughts went through my head...if I was going to be on strict bedrest then how would I deal with all this bleeding? What was foremost in my head was: when will this bleeding end. While I lay on the table holding DH's hand the blood kept coming out of me in gushes. I asked the doctor about my bleeding concern when he came back to check on me and he replied that it must heal and that some women experience heavy bleeding in pregnancy. Oh, God. But, when I got off the table to clean myself up and get dressed I suddenly felt weak...like I was going to faint. I fell onto the table and asked DH to get someone. This is when it really gets fuzzy for me.

I remember feeling really warm and cold at the same time, which explains the clamminess. The doctor asked if I had fainted and he had a worried look on his face and said that the pregnancy had probably passed. He then did another ultrasound and I could tell before he said anything that there was no longer anything there. I can't really remember the details of what he said -- it was like everything was happening far away from me but I was right there. Then, I had another weak turn and thought I was beginning to pass out on the table -- I felt weak, hot, everything was going gray, I began seeing stars and I could only hear DH calling my name over and over. The doctor took my pulse and blood pressure and said something about the placenta blocking the cervix with blood pooling behind it and thus creating pressure on my cervix. Then I remember him taking out a speculum, warming it with hot water, placing it inside of me and then he 'wiped' my cervix and pulled the clots that were blocking it. All I can remember is that I immediately felt better after he did this. And then the cramping commenced. It took me about an hour to feel well enough to leave. DH brought the car close to the entrance and helped me out.

Thankfully the bleeding subsided later that night and became more like a regular period, although the cramps felt like someone stabbing me with a knife through to my back. A heating pad and a couple of ibuprofen helped with that.

Six days later and I finally feel like myself again, although I'm just beginning to deal with the emotional loss. It happened so suddenly that I could barely cope with what was happening to me physically let alone emotionally. I just knew that I wanted to write it down so I would never forget what happened.

Mama Mia, a Fight

2010-02-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

Late yesterday afternoon, while DH was busy doing laundry and making lasagne, I willingly tried to help him on the food front. Of course, he hates it when I try to cook with him as I invariably make comments about how I would do it. Adding more nutmeg to the ricotta cheese than the recipe called for really ticked him off. In my defense, he had added more ricotta than what was in the recipe -- I use a recipe as a guideline, not the rule. Heated words were exchanged and I stormed off to our bedroom only to discover a bed strewn with laundry fresh from the dryer. Mama Mia!!

In retrospect I realize he was only trying to help, but between my freaking out about wrinkled laundry (I hate to iron) and his freaking out about multi-tasking (maybe it's a guy thing) we ended up fighting. Unfortunately, since my parents never fought in front of me while I was growing up, I never learned to fight 'well' and either walk away or begin to cry. And so, I began to cry. Then it felt like my blood was boiling and that made me more upset. It was totally irrational and I couldn't explain why I was upset, but then I couldn't stop.

After I finally did stop crying I was scared to death that I had harmed the pregnancy. I am so emotional lately, but is it possible that my emotional outburst and spike in bp could end my pregnancy? Just feeling really guilty today. I have no pregnancy symptoms except sore breasts and an aversion to red meat. Must remember to stay calm until at least the ultrasound next week.

Double Positive

2010-01-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

I went for more bloodwork this morning at the clinic, but I wasn't as nervous waiting for the results because, really, there's nothing I can do at the moment to influence the outcome, and bad news is what I'm used to hearing. So, imagine my shock when I got the phone call and found out it had doubled! I was stunned and couldn't believe the hcg was 151. I have an ultrasound scheduled at the clinic for the second week in February, and no more bloodwork until that time...which freaks me out a bit. You see, four years ago we had a 'spontaneous' pregnancy and I went to my GP and had bloodwork drawn twice, and then I made an appointment with an OB and discovered at my first ultrasound that the pregnancy had stopped growing. Until I see something on the ultrasound I can't believe this actually worked.

I told DH and he is beyond happy that it worked this time and that the beta doubled. The only problem is that he wants to phone his Mother right away and tell her the news. Oh, boy. This is the woman who gushed about DH's friend's baby over Christmas dinner two years ago (and who follows this baby's mother's 'Mommy' blog). I talked him into waiting a couple days until the weekend when he does his weekly call home. Once she finds out she'll be bugging us to move closer to 'home'. Must stay happy...must stay calm.

Positive

2010-01-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went for bloodwork at the clinic to see if the embryos implanted. Waiting for the phone call is torture. I passed the morning by watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' on the dvr. Of course, I cried at the end when they're looking for Cat in the pouring rain and they find the cat and embrace. A few minutes later, after I've wiped the tears and blown my nose, the phone rings. Thanks to caller i.d. on the television I see that it's the clinic. Oh, boy. While composing myself I pick up the phone and hear the news. Oh, my God, it's positive! My hcg was 64. All I could say was "Really?" I've never had the hcg that high. Tomorrow I go for more bloodwork to see if the numbers keep rising. The weird thing is I'm not excited. I know that at this point nothing is guaranteed, so all I can do is cross my fingers, pray, and hope that the numbers keep rising.

Sofa Days, Part Deux

2010-01-19T13:11:00.000-08:00

It's been five days since the FET and hanging out on the sofa is highly overrated. Don't get me wrong, I do love watching movies (especially the oldies on TCM), reading magazines/books, going online etc., but I am really getting antsy. It's a hereditary thing that my Mother and sister both suffer from: we can't stay still for very long. I have a feeling that Martha Stewart suffers from this affliction as well. Wish I could lie down and stay that way for hours, but I can't...and I have been off caffeine for over a year. Just a couple days to go until I can go for walks again.

I added a section on the side of this blog listing movies that feature a barren babe and/or couple. Those listed are the ones that I have seen, but I'm sure there are others that I'm not aware of. Please let me know if there are other movies I should add to the list as I, and I'm sure many other barren babes, find comfort in watching them and seeing the characters go through many of the same emotions that DH and I have. Some of the movies have a subtle fertility-challenged tone to them such as 'Beetlejuice' and 'Out of Africa', others like 'Maybe Baby' are all about trying to conceive, while some like 'Penny Serenade' and 'My Blue Heaven' are oldies that show couples adopting. 'Penny Serenade' never fails to make me cry, but then so does 'Immediate Family'.

Sofa Days

2010-01-16T14:38:00.000-08:00

The FET was on Thursday morning and I've been spending most of my days on the sofa since that time. DH is off to watch a rugby game and I'm watching some awards show on VH1. I really want a big pot of tea, but not sure if I should risk it all by lifting the kettle as the clinic has me totally paranoid about doing anything strenuous. I am feeling hopeful, although my cousin's sudden death has given me perspective on our situation: life is precious and can be gone in a moment.

Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster

2010-01-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

One week to go until our final frozen embryo transfer. I started the new year feeling optimistic that no matter what happens DH and I have each other and we will have a wonderful year and decade. There is a finality to this FET, but I like knowing that this will be our last try before the decision is thrust upon us; a sense of control in the out of control universe that is infertility.

Yes, everything was going smoothly until I increased my estrogen...then my loopy, emotionally unstable personality emerged from hiding. I definitely will not be missing this side of fertility treatment. Yesterday I had a meltdown at a department store: saleswoman was nasty to me, then I had to wait 30 minutes for the seamstress who then told me she couldn't shorten the coat sleeves because they had cuffs. Yes, I was that crazy woman crying in my husband's arms in the winter coats section. The silver lining is that I found an even better coat at Nordstrom's where the saleswoman was super friendly and most helpful. Guess the moral is that I should not be in malls while under the influence of high doses of estrogen.

This morning while waiting for the coffeemaker to brew my decaf the phone rings and I notice it's my parents number. Strange because my Mother never phones in the morning. Never. Something is wrong. I pick up the receiver and she tells me she has bad news. My stomach drops and I bravely ask who it is while thinking which elderly relative it might be. Then she proceeds to tell me it's my 50 year old cousin who dropped dead of a heart attack last night. I was in shock. Although I haven't seen him in a couple of years, he was always slim and in good spirits. He definitely lived life to the fullest, but what we put into life is not alway what we get back from it. Life is unfair and I was a weepy mess this morning. DH had lunch with me and I went to the gym for some therapy on the treadmill -- honestly, 2 miles on the treadmill can get your mind off anything.

This is my life at the moment. I really want to be home with my family at this time, but it's thousands of miles away and we just flew back from there last week, plus I have a FET scheduled for next week. Guess I have to suck it up and be strong...but I really want to sit down and cry.

It's That Time of the Year Again

2009-12-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's the holiday time. DH's work Christmas party is this evening and we have a 7am flight tomorrow to go back home for a week for Christmas and all that jazz. Our bed is full of my clothes because I can't get my act together to figure out what I want to pack. Any piece of clothing I wear in front of my Mother will be criticized and this year I don't care. What irks me is that the majority of my sweaters are tighter than they were a year ago thanks to hormones and the two pregnancy losses. Ughhhh. I really don't feel like dressing up and painting on a smile for the Christmas party...thinking about bailing.

A couple of weeks ago we got my bloodwork results and it turns out I am 'borderline' protein S deficient. In layman terms, this protein is a natural blood thinner and if you're deficient then your blood has a propensity to clotting. It runs in families and 'lucky' me got it (1 in 20,000), so I have an increased risk of deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism and repeated pregnancy loss. I really wish I had known this when we were starting our trying to conceive journey, but because it is so rare -- and the tests are expensive -- it is only tested after repeated pregnancy loss. So, I'm just feeling a bit down about my genetics and why I have to have this. I'm really beginning to think that God does not want me to have children since I've been given so many obstacles to overcome. First it's crappy eggs and then it's a genetic 'mutation' that won't allow me to stay pregnant. Needless to mention I won't be setting foot inside a church this season because I just don't have that much faith left in me.

An old friend from back home sent me a facebook invitation to a high school reunion over Christmas. Thinking about being around all those old friends and their kids made my stomach churn. I had to send my regrets. I'm just not strong enough this year...not with everything that's happened. In fact, this year I just signed our names to our Christmas cards. No messages...just couldn't do it. Sent them two and a half weeks ago and so far we have received two. Guess the others are too busy trying to write their 'year in review' letters.

And it's the time of year of annoying jewelry store commercials on television. The Kay one with the husband and wife and newborn really offended me when the husband mentioned it was their first year as a 'family'. So, does that mean that DH and I are not a family since we don't have children? I can't watch it and have to turn the channel whenever it pops up.

Here's to all the Barren Babes out there as we bravely make our way to holiday festivities. Keep your head up, paint a smile on your face, and drink a toast to better days ahead.

Dark Days

2009-11-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks I have tried my best to be upbeat. The last week of October we discovered that an embryo had implanted and I was pregnant, but subsequent blood tests revealed that it had stopped growing. Within a matter of days I was jubilant and then devastated. I also had a birthday that week. Turning 41 in the midst of teary-eyed disappointment is not one of my best memories. That day I vowed not to cry and I didn't -- it took a lot of willpower, but not one tear dropped down my face.

That weekend DH and I took off to the countryside and had a lovely weekend. I dragged him into a few antique shops and we took our time and had fun. There were topics I wanted to discuss and didn't actually have the talk with him until we were home on Sunday. Basically, I wanted to know if DH is up for one final FET. His reply was, "You know how I feel about this." He doesn't want to do anymore embryo transfers, but I want to try one last time. Tears ensued and he relented. Basically, he told me that it kills him to see me devastated each time, but if I really want to try one last time he'll be supportive. I just want to know ahead of time that this is the final attempt.

I had lots of questions prepared for our doctor's appointment last week. What I didn't expect was the doctor's concern about why I've had four losses. The first two pregnancy losses were 'blamed' on my poor egg quality, but since we're using donor eggs he thinks there might me something else causing the embryos not to develop. He theorizes that it could be DH's chromosomes or something to do with me and a clotting factor, or thyroid, or lupus factor. When he was telling us this I kept thinking: why hasn't any doctor thought of doing these tests before? Hmmm...guess it's just easier to blame it on the woman's poor egg quality because she's in her late thirties. Then I thought: so it takes four pregnancy losses before doctors think there's a problem...four losses...four devastating losses.

DH and I have decided to try one last FET before calling it quits to the whole ART thing. I should be optimistic, right? But, instead I'm filled with a dark foreboding feeling that maybe it is DH's chromosomes and therefore there's not much we can do about it. I feel guilty that my desire to be pregnant and give birth has cost us dearly financially -- especially our retirement fund. Of course, if we had put the money in the stock market would we be better off now, or would we be in the same financial situation? These are dark days. I can't wait for November to end. Maybe I'll start playing Christmas music.

It's An Embryo Transfer, Not An Implant!!!

2009-11-11T12:15:00.000-08:00

Just need to vent a bit about the media's use of the term Embryo Implant instead of Embryo Transfer. The media was using Embryo Implant incorrectly around the time of octo-mom giving birth, but it was a bunch of journalists who did not do enough research and lacked the facts. If it actually were an embryo implant then the success rates would be quite higher than they actually are.

Last Thursday on ABC's 'Private Practice' they used the term Implant instead of Transfer and I was totally ticked off. Doesn't this medical drama have MDs who verify terminology? I'm still unsure about this show since they portrayed an insane woman who had a miscarriage cutting open a pregnant woman and taking her baby. As someone who's had four losses I can honestly tell you that no sane woman who's suffered a miscarriage would willingly place themselves in the same room as a very pregnant woman, or a baby for that matter. I've even crossed streets to avoid passing pregnant women or strollers on sidewalks.

Then today I read that Celine Dion lost her pregnancy after an Embryo Transfer. Of course the media called it an Embryo Transplant, but hopefully having someone famous be open about these trying situations will highlight the plight that many of us are struggling with. Just wish they would call it an Embryo Transfer.

It's Always Good To Have A 'Plan B'

2009-10-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

This was supposed to be a joyful post, but unfortunately it's not. Two days ago I went for blood work and the results were positive: my beta was 44 and, according to the nurse, anything above 30 was good. I was really expecting a negative so I was in shock for most of the day while walking around in a daze. By evening DH had convinced me that this was the one...it had finally worked. I kept reminding him that we should wait for the second blood test, but DH was positive it was going to go up because...the embryo wasn't from my egg (thanks Honey!!!). He told his parents, and I phoned my Mother and told her but warned that we still had to wait for more bloodwork because it could go down.

Yesterday I went for a walk to get some fresh air and actually opened my heart to let in a bit of hope. I started thinking about a baby growing inside of me and whether I should breastfeed considering the micro-calcifications in one of my breasts. DH and I talked about what the next nine months to a year might bring. His optimism was contagious.

This morning I went for the second blood test and waited all morning for a phone call. I even took that phone with me to the bathroom because I was so afraid of missing the call. Well, I finally got the call just after lunch and it wasn't good news -- I could tell by the tone of the nurse's voice. My beta has dropped to 35 today, and they want to see if it goes up again so I'm scheduled to go back for more blood work in three days. The nurse said there's a small possibility of it going back up again. Has anyone heard of that happening? I couldn't ask many questions because my voice was cracking as I was holding back tears. After having a good cry I can't help but wonder why my body keeps rejecting embryos, and was there something I did to make it not want to stay in my uterus?

At this point I feel numb and can't concentrate enough to read or watch television. But, I am thankful that DH and I came up with a Plan B (to go away this weekend) just in case the results were negative . Thoughts of this getaway are getting me through my sadness. It's always good to have a Plan B.

Facebook Blues

2009-10-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

Am I a glutton for pain, or what? For some strange reason I found myself lurking on Facebook and checking out profiles filled with baby/child photos. Arghhh! I must stop this madness. Dammit. Why do I do this to myself?

The Wait Continues

2009-10-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

It's been six days and so far I don't really feel anything. With the ectopic last March my breasts were sore and hurt, and now I sometimes squeeze them just in case I've missed some kind of pain. No constipation, no tiredness, but I am bloated and feel very PMSy -- perhaps from the estrogen and progesterone in my system.

Update on life with my Mother. While talking on the phone with her today she asked: "Did you get that shot-thing yet?" I really had to hold myself back from laughing out loud while replying that I had it a week ago tomorrow. Hmmm, let's see, I told her a few days before it happened and a day after it happened and then I get this question. Either she's not listening, paying attention, or early stages of dementia have befallen her. For all I know she could have been referring to the H1N1flu vaccine, which hasn't arrived in our area yet.

Life goes on.

The Wait Begins

2009-10-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

Went for the FET yesterday, and I was annoyed by the 45 minute wait to sign in. On the drive there I had DH put in a relaxing CD of Pachelbel's Canon in D and I was so relaxed I thought I might nod off. After fifteen minutes sitting in the clinic's waiting room my relaxed state began wearing off. Maybe it had something to do with a patient having a conversation loud enough for us to hear, not to mention hearing someone at the front desk talk to a patient about their insurance coverage over the phone, which we could hear well enough to feel uncomfortable about knowing another patient's private information. Perhaps the clinic should invest in a reception area with clear glass to keep things private. After 25 minutes I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise and decided to wait outside the clinic as it was actually more quiet in the hallway.

I don't know why they were running so far behind, but I just wish they had phoned us to let us know not to come for another 30 minutes. Of course, my blood pressure was high when they initially took it because I was annoyed and impatient. The upside is that one of the embryos was 8 cells and the other 7 cells, which is higher than our last FET. So, apart from the long wait, the transfer went well.

For the past 24 hours I have been curious about every little 'pain' that I might feel down there. Of course, it's probably just gas but you never know. I'm trying to stay positive, but also trying to prepare myself in case it's a negative. And so the agonizing wait begins.

The Count Down Begins

2009-10-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today DH and I paid a visit to the clinic for a 'pre-op' in preparation for next week's frozen embryo transfer (FET). Crazy, but the part I hate the most is getting on the scales to be weighed, so I kindly ask the nurse not to say the number, because if I don't hear it then it doesn't exist. Second part is the blood pressure, which was lower that it's been in weeks...perhaps it's because I closed my eyes and thought of waterfalls on the Road to Hana in Maui. The internal ultrasound was as enjoyable as any can be, but we did discover that my uterine lining is 1cm (and I'm usually a 7mm girl).

The doctor gave us an informal lecture on the importance of getting a flu shot at this time due to the prevalence of the H1N1 strain, and stressed how it negatively affects pregnant women. I really hadn't planned on getting one as I was going to wait and see if the FET worked, but he emphasized that I should get a regular flu shot and then one for H1N1 and that they shouldn't be given at the same time. So, DH and I promptly paid a visit to Safeway pharmacy and each got a shot. After all the needles put into my body this year I was an old-pro, but I did have to coach DH who was never vaccinated as a child (honest -- MIL claims he was allergic). As of this time he's had no adverse reaction, meanwhile I felt a bit dopey afterwards...hmm, or maybe that's because of all the estrogen in my body.

Today I also decided to tell my Mother that we're doing another FET and that I got a flu shot. I got more of a response from her about the flu shot than I did about the FET. Not surprising coming from the woman who told me, "I don't know why you bother trying anymore," after our last (unsucessful) FET last July. Oh, well, just thought I'd keep her up-to-date with my life. Thank God there are hundreds of miles between us.

The date is set for next Wednesday. So, here's hoping I can remain relaxed, and 'loosey goosey' as DH calls it, for the next two weeks so my blood pressure doesn't spike.

Where Did My Optimism Go?

2009-09-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I began my Lupron shots. At this point in time I am an old pro and was surprised by my lack of nervousness. In the past I had been freaked out, but now it's nothing. Oh, by now you've probably guessed that DH and I are preparing for another frozen embryo transfer (FET).

This year we've had three embryo transfers, and for the first I was overflowing with optimism. I was postive that it was going to take. Hours were spent on the internet looking at nurseries, strollers, thinking of names. The second transfer I was still optimistic but not to the extent of the first one -- I did not look up baby stuff on the internet.

For this next FET my optimism walked out the door. It snuck out one night last month while I was sleeping. I can't pinpoint the exact date, but I know it's not there anymore. It's not that I don't welcome getting pregnant, it's just that I feel it's not within my grasp anymore. Maybe it's when we were at the clinic signing the consent forms and I noticed that we only have a 25% chance of it working. That hit me like a ton of bricks, and ever since that time I feel blah.

There is a sliver of optimism somewhere in my spirit that pushes me forward and compels me to try another FET. But, the reality of our situation is sinking in and I find myself starting to make plans for our life without a baby (our Plan B) and also trying to justfiy another FET if this next one doesn't stick. Wish I could shake the blahs and get my happy, optimistic side back.

Movie Warning: Time Traveler's Wife

2009-08-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been relaxing. DH and I went away to the mountains the weekend before last and explored meadows and brooks -- and now I have an inexplicable urge to take-up fly fishing. Maybe it's a strange desire to stand in the middle of a mountain creek wearing those big boots and taking in nature. It seems like such a serene sport...although, I would probably release any fish that I might catch.

This past weekend we were back home and taking it easy. I persuaded long-suffering DH to see 'The Time Traveler's Wife' with me at a local theater. It seemed like a chick flick from the television advertisements and I like Rachel McAdams, both good reasons to see it in my opinion. Perhaps now I should mention that I have not yet read the novel on which the movie is based, which in hindsight maybe I should do from now on. Here is the warning, and also SPOILERS, because if you've had a miscarriage you should be forewarned about seeing this movie. I was blindsided when the main character suffers a miscarriage, and then another one! It would have been good to go into the theater knowing that this was going to be portrayed onscreen. Needless to mention the tears were rolling down my face and my eyes got all red and puffy in the theater. So, if you've had a miscarriage be aware that you will get to relive it onscreen through 'The Time Traveler's Wife.'

It's a Negative

2009-07-26T13:28:00.001-07:00

Went in for bloodwork a week ago and discovered that the FET was not successful. For some strange reason these embryos did not want to stick around in my uterus...and now I'm beginning to take it personally. What is so wrong with my uterus? Sure, I've only seen it on ultrasound, but it seems like a nice spot to burrow in and stay for nine months. Yes, I'm beginning to get a complex as to why embryos do not want to stick around inside my body.

Emotionally it's been a roller coaster this past week after going off the hormones. I have energy again, which is amazing, but I cry when reading or watching something sentimental or sad. Then I had this obsession with buying a red handbag. Strange, but I had to have a red one and I did find one at Macy's. I'm just now clueing into the fact that perhaps this red bag symbolizes my uterus...maybe I would like a new one that is more welcoming to embryos...hmmmm.

The other emotional thing is that DH found out on Friday that he needs to be in the UK for meetings this upcoming week. He flew out this morning and I'm feeling sad. Sad because he's gone and also because I would have loved to have joined him on this trip. Unfortunately, booking airplane tickets at the last minute means the fares are astronomical, and since we are planning another FET within the next six weeks that means we have no extra cash to spend for airfare. I'm ticked off that we didn't know about it sooner and therefore may have been able to purchase cheaper tickets or been able to use points. It would have been cool to hang in London this week and take my mind off my 'hostile' uterus.

Enough of my pity party. First I'll track DH's flight on flightview.com and then it's time for some housecleaning therapy, because later I have a date with Mad Men season one.

One Week Down

2009-07-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today marked one week since the FET. I was so positive it worked last week, but now I'm not sure. Maybe it's because I don't 'feel' anything down there; no cramping, spotting, or anything else that might resemble implantation. There has been a 'fluttering' sensation down there, but that could have been just gas. I am really tired and want to sleep, but that could be a side-effect from the progesterone. My tummy is bloated, but again that could be an effect from the hormones or gas. Of course books are full of stories about women who are pregnant and don't know, so maybe this will be a good sign. At least I haven't had any sharp pains on my side. I'm going to try and stay hopeful until the test results on Saturday.

To Exercise, or Not to Exercise

2009-07-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

It will be a week tomorrow since the FET and I'm wondering if it's okay to exercise. I am really torn over this one. Doing the treadmill is out of the question since I'm always tempted to increase the resistance and up my heart rate, but I'm really thinking about walking around the neighborhood. Saturday is the day I find out whether the FET 'took'...maybe I should still lay low until that time...Anyone have suggestions? Until then, I have an overflowing laundry hamper awaiting my arrival.

Crossed Fingers

2009-07-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Hubby and I went in for the frozen embryo transfer. Nothing out of the ordinary: my blood pressure was high going in thanks to nerves and the speculum was excruciatingly painful. It's always a thrill viewing the embryos under the microscope just prior to the procedure; amazing that those cells may become a baby.

Only after signing papers before the FET did I really take note of the date: the seventh day of the seventh month. Hope that this is a lucky sign for us.

Today I am tired and craving potato chips. Hanging out on the sofa and watching movies. Yesterday it was the Michael Jackson memorial and the tears poured down my face listening to Brooke Shields and MJ's daughter Paris.

Last of the Lupron

2009-07-02T22:41:00.001-07:00

Five hours ago was my last shot of Lupron. Woohoo!! Very happy to have that over with. Hubby and I had a good talk tonight about our upcoming visitor and he's okay with doing most of the entertaining, maybe even leaving me alone for an afteroon or a few hours. These hormones are making me so crazy and I'm starting progesterone and something else for the assisted hatching this weekend. Thank God I'm off the progesterone shots and taking it the 'other way' -- as much as I love Hubby, I think he enjoyed giving me the shots on my bottom a bit too much. I must try to calm down and relax for the upcoming FET.

Lupron Land Meltdown

2009-07-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

Ughhhhhhh!!!!!

I am having one of those days. Thank God it's my last day of Lupron because I am so ready to lose it with anyone.

Hubby is driving me nuts. Why? Because he seems to be lacking all compassion for what I'm going through right now. He can't understand why I need the ac down low...um, it's because of the hot flashes. Plus he's invited a buddy from out of town to stay with us this weekend. Not a good time for me as the FET is scheduled for Tuesday. So, I'm busy cleaning getting the apartment ready and Hubby can't understand why I'm in a bad mood...and I had a meltdown.

Why couldn't he have seen that I was only being polite when I said it was okay for his friend to stay this weekend? So, I have decided that I'm going to leave the entertaining of the friend up to Hubby. He can take him out to do things and I'm staying home to relax, although I'll probably join them for dinner.

Dear God, please help me make it through this weekend without having a meltdown in front of Hubby's friend.

Mammograms & Hot Flashes

2009-06-25T09:28:00.001-07:00

Yikes! I totally forgot about an upcoming mammogram in July. It wouldn't be a problem except there is a possibility that I may be pregnant for it, which is not good since one really shouldn't have x-rays at that point. Hubby's been on my back to move it up, but all I can think about are the lupron injections and the upcoming FET. Crap, I really should have listened to Hubby, but I have a nasty habit of procrastinating. I just phoned trying to re-schedule but all I got was an answering machine. What are the odds that I can get one within the next week?

Actually the odds must be good as I just tried phoning again and they can take me the day before the FET. Yay! Can't believe I'm excited about going for a mammogram. It's a six-month follow-up to check on some 'micro-calcifications' so let's hope and pray that nothing has changed. Perhaps my 'micro-calcification' is an anomaly much like the fibroid on the backside of my uterus -- a unique identifier. Everytime I go for an ultrasound it's always "do you know you have a fibroid?" or "there's your little fibroid back there."

Now for the hot flashes. Whew! The worst part about lupron are the hot flashes. They sneak up on me. One minute I'm fine and the next it's like someone turned up the furnace and I'm drenched in sweat. Yesterday, I was perusing the sales racks for shoes at Macy's (big 50% off sale) when the hot flash happened, but I carried on and ignored it, and soon enough it cooled down again. Much easier when they happen at home and I can park myself in front of the air conditioning vent and wait it out. Guess I have this to look forward to in the not-so-distant-future. Lucky me!

Lupron Land

2009-06-11T15:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I enter Lupron land. Yes, it's the night for my first lupron shot and I'm feeling slightly anxious. I know it's just a tiny insulin needle, but it still freaks me out to put a needle through my skin. The first time is the hardest and then it gets easier as it is for most things in life. I just want to go do it now and get it over with.

Facebook Torture

2009-06-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

Although I had vowed to stay away from Facebook, I found myself logging on as I had received a friend request from a cousin and didn't want to appear the snob by not accepting. But, I made the fatal error by checking that first page that pops up and tells you what your facebook friends have been up to. Grrrr. I still hate that re-design they made last fall. It appears that someone who had a baby last fall now has a Mommy Blog. The reason I know this is because she's promoting it via facebook: she's telling everyone to check it out. In fact, this appears everytime she does an update. I'm gagging just thinking about it. Hmmm...wonder if I should promote my infertility blog on facebook?

Looking Forward

2009-05-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Just survived a week at home with my parents. Love them dearly, but they have never been that great with the empathy/sensitivity thing. Perhaps it is because both are the 'babies' of their families and used to getting lots of attention and focus and not familiar with giving it. Guess it's a bit harsh but it is what it is and it's taken me a long time to realize this, accept it and let it be.

An example would be the fact that my Mother knows the loss I've recently gone through with the ectopic preganancy, and yet there is photo of my cousin's newborn baby sitting on the table in the middle of the living room. I tried to ignore it the first day I was home, but the second day I made a comment to get it out of my head. There it was day after day and it really got to me, but I did not want my parents to know that it hurt me. When I would come close to breaking down I would focus on the baby's wonky eyes: one is round and the other is almond-shaped. That poor child will grow up with uneven eyes like Tina Fey -- still haven't forgiven her for the 'miracle' pregancy ending of 'Baby Mama'.

I did let my Mother in on the fact that DH and I are going to be trying a FET this month. Not much reaction on her side and there's no surprise there. I am trying to be positive and look forward while forgetting the past, because you can't move ahead if you keep looking back.

Another Mother's Day Down

2009-05-11T16:09:00.001-07:00

Whew! I made it through another Mother's Day unscathed. DH and I avoided malls and restaurants on Sunday. Instead, we slept in and stayed in our jammies until almost noon. The night before we went to a tiny sushi restaurant -- where I proceeded to partake of the cold sake. For lunch we made pancakes with maple syrup and watched HGTV. We have learned to stay away from any major restaurant chain, or one that advertises a Mother's Day buffet, on the M Day. It was a lazy day for us, although we did drag ourselves to Borders as DH was searching for some book for work.

Song to Help You Survive Pregnant Friends/Co-Workers

2009-05-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

I found this awesome video on a blog last week and it makes me smile each time I watch it on Youtube. It's called 'Pregnant Women are Smug' by two women called 'Garfunkel & Oates' (great name). I've been trying to get pregnant for the past six and a half years and have encountered plenty of smug pregnant women in that time. Admit it, we've all thought it but no one likes to say it because...well, they're pregnant. If this upcoming FET does work, and I find myslef pregnant, I know how NOT to act around others.

Sarah Jessica Parker Using a Surrogate

2009-05-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I heard on the radio (while I was on my way to the clinic for bloodwork) that Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick (forever Ferris Bueller) are expecting twins via a surrogate. They also mentioned that the two had tried to conceive for several years with no luck and so they decided to use a surrogate.

I would like to thank Sarah Jessica Parker for being open and honest about her struggle to conceive a second child, and for being public about their use of a surrogate. They wanted to add to their family and chose the surrogacy route. Who cares whose genetic material was used because it's really none of our business. (Honestly, if I had all the money in the world I think I would have tried using a surrogate.) Hopefully this will help people to begin to accept surrogacy and tear off the stigma attached to it.

Still not sure if I can forgive her for spreading the 'if you adopt you will get pregnant' urban myth that was seen in the Charlotte storyline of the 'Sex and the City' movie.

I'm No Longer Pregnant

2009-05-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am no longer pregnant. Yay! Never thought I would ever be so happy to write that statement. The ET was the week after Valentine's Day and I have been "pregnant" for the last two months...but not 'really' pregnant. Very confusing and difficult to explain to family and friends, so we only told our parents, my sister and a really close friend. Happily I am no longer hormonal (crying at sad tv commercials and if DH looked at me the wrong way), my tummy is no longer swollen (ironoically I looked pregnant), and the cravings have vanished (no more milkshakes, cheeseburgers, or dairy products). I feel great and we are crazy enough to start thinking about an FET, although I must wait for AF -- which will probably take about six weeks as it did four years ago. A new month and a new clean slate.

Thanks

2009-04-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

I want to send a special thank you to all who commented on the Quest posting. Now I realize that I am not the only one who has been treated poorly by their staff. Thanks for the support.

This ectopic pregnancy was a surprise and while I am feeling better physically (my hcg was down to 60 on Friday), emotionally I am fragile. My family doesn't understand and is not really 'there' to support me. Meanwhile, I've lost touch with old friends who've had children -- because it pains me to hear them talk about their babies, or they avoid me because I've opened up to them about my infertility (maybe they think it's contagious).

Your words of encouragement soothe my soul, lift my spirit, and remind me that I am not alone on this journey. Thanks.

Quest Diagnostics Sucks

2009-04-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the ectopic pregnancy, and the resulting methotrexate shots, I am required to get bloodwork twice a week. So far, I have been going to the Quest Diagnostics clinic in the medical building where the fertility clinic is situated. As of today's experience I will be either incurring the extra cost of bloodwork at the fertility clinic, or attempting to experience another Quest clinic.

Yes, the Quest Diagnostics I have been going to has never been known for its customer service, but I have a 'stat' order and get through quickly with no problem. No problem until today. The doctor's nurse was supposed to fax the requisition to Quest, so when I arrived I signed in but there was no one at the desk for me to talk to about the fax. When someone appeared I approached the desk to mention the requisition/fax and was bluntly told: "I'm busy. I don't have time for that." Wow. I didn't even have time to squeeze in that it's a 'stat' order. Went back to my seat to read a magazine. A few minutes later I hear her yelling across the room at me: "What's the last name on the requisition?". Since I don't like yelling, I approached the desk and asked what last name she was referring to (not sure if she meant mine or the doctor's). This is the reply I received: "What? You don't know your last name?" I was absolutely shocked by her callous rudeness. I gave her my last name and sat down again. Then came another shout from across the room: "What date was it faxed?" I couldn't take it, so I yelled back: " I don't know!!" Then she told me not to yell at her!!! Oh, my God!!! When she yelled back that they didn't have it I got up and left vowing never to return. Luckily DH was there because the tears started flowing as soon as I left.

In a cloud of tears I ended up going up to the fertility clinic to get another requisition and my bloodwork drawn there incurring an extra cost.

What is wrong with Quest Diagnostics??? Why is there no compassion? Do you think that I'm going to let a woman who is rude to me put a needle in my vein? I did not ask for this ectopic to happen to me, and I really do not enjoy getting bloodwork drawn. I am only there because I am under a doctor's order to get bloodwork. Why belittle me in front of a waiting room full of people? What happened to a little kindness and compassion? Quest Diagnostics sucks for hiring such bitchy people to draw blood.

Methotrexate Days, Part II

2009-04-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I had yet another shot of methotrexate as the beta numbers were not going down fast enough. It is all unnerving and I kept it all together until I had to wait a half hour for a two minute shot -- which DH could probably do considering all the times he injected me with progesterone. You see, we raced to the pharmacy late yesterday afternoon to get the medication so we could get an early appointment, but by the time we actually saw the nurse we could have gone to get it this morning.

Yes, I am used to waiting for doctors, but I started getting upset when I saw a handful of people come and go from the waiting room and my name had yet to be called...and we had been waiting for a half hour. So, I went back to the receptionist and enquired as to what was going on. By the time she got back to us tears had started rolling down my face, so they really got busy trying to find an examination room for us...and even then the nurse kept us waiting. When she finally arrived she apologized, but I had a meltdown and let her know why I was so upset. Unfortunately, we had a communication failure as she could barely speak English and she kept asking me to repeat myself, and I really could not understand her, so I just asked that she give me the shot already. Ughhhhhh!!! %$#%$^%$&$^%#!!!!! This experience makes me not want to go back for a long, long time.

Now I must deal with nausea and stomach cramps. Dear God, please let the beta numbers drop dramatically so I do not have to deal with this nurse again.

Methotrexate Days

2009-04-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

My bloodwork from Monday showed that my beta grew to 287, and since I started have a funny pain on my side, the doctor recommended that I have a shot of methotrexate. So, we waited until Tuesday afternoon to go back and get the shot -- after another blood panel showed that my liver enzymes were functioning properly.

Perhaps we could have waited it out, but after having a scary ectopic experience from our first IUI I wasn't about to wait until the bleeding started. Plus, the doctor advised that it could go on for up to 12 weeks with the beta rising and falling. DH and I are frustrated by having to wait a couple of cycles after this shot to try a frozen cycle, but at least we don't have to worry about me bleeding out.

The worst part about the methotrexate is the nausea, but the silver lining is that it has taken away my appetite. Here's hoping that my beta will start falling.

The Saga Continues

2009-03-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to the clinic to have one of those fun internal sonograms to check if I have an ectopic pregnancy because my beta from Friday was 200. I am full of so many emotions. When I went for blood work this morning they didn't have my requisition and asked me what I was there for...yeah, I was close to tears but I didn't let one salty wet one fall down my cheek. I cried Saturday when I discovered the beta number, but I really do not want to cry again over this. Through with tears. I want this whole thing to be finished and, crazy enough, I am hoping for a shot of methotrexate -- even though I have no pain or spotting, just a beta that went from 30 to 200 in a week. DH and I joked last night that maybe I have a rogue embryo that will not go down without a fight. Please let my beta fall...

Cleaning

2009-03-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

It's funny that when I'm feeling down about stuff I completely let our place get messy. For the past few weeks I've let the dust stay on furniture, magazines and newspapers are piled all over the living room, and I've forgotten where the Hoover is located. Perhaps it's good to just take a break from these household chores and focus on myself. Sometimes it's okay to hurt and be sad, but today I am going to clean and prepare for the next round of ivf. We go to the clinic tomorrow to see if the hcg is at zero and try and schedule the whole "show".

Retail Therapy & Venting

2009-03-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Darling Husband and I went away for a couple of nights to the big city. It was just what I needed. In fact, I asked my RE if it was okay to have a glass of wine since this was a chemical pregnancy coming down, and he said, "Sure! Have three or four if you feel like it." Have I mentioned he's the best (and my favorite) doctor I have ever gone to?

Nothing like a bit of retail therapy to fix up a woman feeling low. Since DH and I have decided to try a 'frozen' cycle* next month, I showed restraint and shopped only the sales racks and picked up jeans and a couple of pretty tops for spring. Unfortunately, my luck struck out when it came to finding shoes. It always feels good to get new clothes that aren't tainted with sad memories. You know, when you see a shirt and it reminds you of old doctors appointments etc.

With spirts high, DH and I decided to go to a small French restaurant for dinner. We ordered a bottle of Burgundy (can't remember the name, but it was very good) and as we were enjoying the wine I spotted the baby. A couple came in with a baby in a carrier. The hostess tried seating them away in a corner far from the other tables, but the couple didn't like the table and insisted on moving closer to everyone else. Of course, the baby was directly in my view from where I was sitting. I thought I was going to lose it...luckily DH offered to switch seats with me and after a few swigs of wine I was alright...until the baby started crying. I must admit that I hate when couples bring small babies to fine restaurants. If DH and I are ever lucky enough to have a baby we will avoid finer dining establishments and stick with the ones where children out-number adults. Besides, a baby in a French restaurant???

Can't Win For Losing

2009-03-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was a walking zombie. Darling Husband and I took a daytrip which helped alleviate my spirit, but I couldn't shake the numbness. I would stare into space while my eyes glazed over. It took a while to absorb the fact that maybe I am really not meant to be pregnant. Perhaps my body rejects anything that tries to live in my uterus. Maybe it's sending 'embryos not welcome here' vibes. For the past few years I have been blaming my worn out/past date eggs, when it might have been my unwelcoming uterus.

Today I decided to shake the funky mood and be happy for what I have. So, I went for a walk and soaked in some vitamin D from the sunshine, played upbeat music, and embraced life. I was so over the top happy when DH came home from work that I think I shocked him. Then, perhaps because I was so upbeat, he mentioned talking to some friends from back home who are looking at buying a big home. Hmmmm...why do they want a huge house when they've got a funky loft? Of course, it came out that they are expecting a child. Tears were shed, but I didn't feel as devastated as I usually do in these situations. It just goes to show you how when you think you've kicked the funky blues, something comes along to shoot you back down again.

(Here's the chorus to the Brooks & Dunn song 'Cowgirls Don't Cry' that I downloaded from itunes -- yeah, a country song -- that helped me today:
Cowgirls don't cry, ride, baby, ride
Lessons in life are gonna show you in time
Soon enough you gonna know why
It's gonna hurt every now and then
If you fall get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry.)

Over Now

2009-03-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

Just got a call from the clinic today and my hcg is 54. Although it has just about doubled in 48hrs, apparently it is not growing fast enough for the doctor and we are to stop the medication tonight. It hasn't hit me yet as I am still confused how two days ago the doctor thought it might be rising slowly and today the number is not viable. DH and I are very confused. I am to go in for more bloodwork in four days. Is there any miracle that this could survive without progesterone? Sadness is hitting me. Think I need some retail therapy as a distraction. Although, if we are doing a frozen cycle after this one I'm not sure if I can afford to buy anything outside the sales racks...

Limbo

2009-03-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went for another blood test and my hcg was 28 and the doctor suspects that it could be a 'slow riser'. So, we're continuing with the medication and DH and I are living in limbo as to whether it will indeed continue growing. I'm trying to chill out and not think about it because there is nothing I can do about it.

Just a Little Pregnant...But, Not Enough

2009-03-02T14:19:00.000-08:00

Just got the call from the clinic regarding my blood work this morning as it has been 11 days since the embryo transfer. So, it seems that my HCG level is only at 17when it should be at least 50. Let's see...that means I am technically pregnant but not enough.

Yes, it's the dreaded biochemical pregnancy. I've had one before after my first IUI that started as a 'biochemical' and then scarily evolved into an ectopic as the HCG numbers climbed erratically and I had light bleeding and pain. A shot of methotrexate ended that one.

I am praying that this 'not quite' pregnancy does NOT become an ectopic pregnancy. Crazy as it sounds, I really would like to start another IVF with a couple of the frozen embryos.

But, until we get the lab results from Wednesday's blood test, it's back to the progesterone shots.

Embryos

2009-02-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

We heard back from the clinic today and 29 fertilized donor eggs have become embryos (out of 50 donor eggs--more than ten-times the eggs that I ever had with medical help). Not sure if they will all make it to Thursday for the embryo transfer, but at this point all we need are two embryos who will hopefully make themselves at home in my uterus for nine months. Please say a prayer for us.

Progesterone Land

2009-02-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

Early Sunday evening Darling Husband and I entered Progesterone Land and we will never be the same again. My bottom will now be seen as a dartboard for needles by DH. Hopefully he will eventually view my naked butt as something sensual again, but that may take some time. Must admit that I love teasing him and saying that he actually has become a pain in the butt.

By this part of the whole IVF game I thought I had overcome my fear of needles. Each evening I had expertly given myself lupron injections using ever so fine insulin needles. But, when I took a look at the needle for the progesterone shot I freaked out and shouted that the pharmacy must have made a mistake and given us the wrong size of needles. We dug out the original prescription and they gave us what was prescribed. So, DH phoned the clinic and we got through to someone who confirmed that yes, this very long needle was indeed the one to be used to inject the progesterone as it needed to be injected into a muscle. At that point in time I covered my eyes, gained my composure and asked DH to give me the shot. We iced the area prior to the needle, which meant that I didn't feel a thing. The big thing for me is that I could never do this to myself, so I made DH promise to not travel for work during the time that injections are required -- even if he has to tell his boss about it.

Dealing With Octuplet Backlash

2009-02-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

As a barren babe currently undergoing fertility treatment I have received a backlash of sorts from my Mother. Honestly, I love her so much and yet I can't get her to see the world through my eyes or experience. Ever since this crazy lady gave birth to eight babies thanks to a questionable RE who transferred six embryos, my Mother has been suspect to what DH and I are doing.

About a week from now (fingers crossed) I will have two embryos transferred. I am excited, scared, optimistic, and yet I still haven't decided whether to tell my Mother when it takes place. Do I need her judgement? No, just want her approval. But, I want to be relaxed and stress-free and I think if I tell her then I will be unable to achieve that place where no-worry exists.

Sleepy Head

2009-02-09T17:08:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I started taking Estrace twice a day. Apart from the occasional nauseated tummy and headaches (which has the added benefit of drying up my appetite) I have become a big sleepy-head. In the morning I sleep late and am embarrassed to admit that I must will myself to roll out of bed before DH leaves for work. This afternoon I am completely zonked after forty minutes on the treadmill. As the evening wears on I will start nodding off after ten. This is not me at all. Perhaps I just got used to the ever increasing insomnia that began creeping into my life about the same time that my fsh levels began to climb. Just wish I could get motivated to write in the other blog I have...

Lupron Madness

2009-01-27T16:15:00.000-08:00

Not sure if this is a side-effect of the lupron I started taking last week, but I am feeling incredibly irritable. Okay, maybe it's more likely that AF is due today or tomorrow. What's really strange about this cycle is that the doctor is in total control of my hormones. As a result, I feel out of control...I've been using the lupron as an excuse for my crabby behavior to long-suffering Darling Husband.

There is a glimmer of hope and that is the fact that we are using DE this cycle. We really didn't think my two follies could produce enough viable eggs for IVF...and the follicle count for the DE this cycle is twenty. So, my fingers are crossed and I am trying to maintain an optimistic outlook. Just wish I could shake my current lupron-induced grumpiness.