Baking

Busy baking sugar cookies today. I put on Christmas tunes by Perry Como and Bing Crosby to get me in the yuletide spirit and it actually did the trick. The cookies are rather crumbly as I substituted white rice flour for all-purpose flour as I am on a gluten-free kick. Maybe I won't be giving these away this year. Looking for a good gluten-free sugar cookie recipe.

Surviving Christmas Time

Saturday night was DH's work Christmas Party, which consisted of a cocktail hour and dinner at a golf club. We were both dreading it for different reasons, but made the effort to get off the sofa and dress-up for the 'free meal'.

DH will normally warn me if there will be a pregnant woman at social functions, so I was surprised when I saw a woman with a pregnant belly arrive. Luckily we were mingling at the other side of the room during cocktail hour, but later found ourselves sitting at their end of the table (it was one long table). I chose to engage in conversation with people on the other side of the table, although I could hear bits of the pregnancy talk that consisted of baby names, cravings/what to eat while pregnant, and general kid stuff. I managed to survive thanks to DH and gin. Meanwhile, I discovered that parents with teenagers enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages and prefer not talking about their kids.

Needless to mention I was a tad cranky when we finished our Christmas cards on Sunday. Then a good friend phoned and wanted me (solo) to join her for dinner the week before Christmas, but this girlfriend really seems to hate doing stuff with us as a couple. I am always surprised since she is single and DH may know of other guys that we could bring along. Anyway, I agreed to meet her for dinner that week and wondered where she wanted to go and she suggested a restaurant in my old 'hood from my single days. I vehemently said no I won't go to that neighborhood anymore because of what it has become: what was once a funky street with antique and consignment stores, and mom&pop shops is now full of trendy baby toy/clothes/furniture shops and Starbucks and the stroller-brigade. I then suggested going for sushi in a funky area near downtown. She was shocked by my bitchiness and lack of Christmas spirit and told me that I should 'get out more'. Ummmmm, my hating the Holidays is tied up with my infertility and she, like most people, does not understand this. I decided not to fight with her, but my inner voice thought 'whatever'. This lack of understanding underlines how isolating infertility can be...especially at Christmas.

This morning DH was hanging out at home a bit longer since he was going directly to the airport for a business trip. We were talking about the Christmas cards and the new address we are waiting for from an old college friend of DH. I then reflected that this friend and his wife (who were married about a year ago) might be good to hang out with since they are in their early forties without children. Surprise, surprise, DH then tells me that the friend's wife is pregnant. Oh, God. Oh, God. My stomach turned sour. The tears began falling down my cheeks upon realizing that we are the only couple without a child within our social circle. The only consolation was that DH told me that he found out the info from Suit Guy when we met up with him the other week for drinks after Christmas shopping. Suit Guy told DH the news when I left to go to the restroom. Suit Guy reasoned that "Life really is unfair if **** can have a baby and you guys can't." At least Suit Guy feels a bit of our pain. (And yes, Suit Guy is a lot like the Barney character from 'How I Met Your Mother', except the women ask him out, and it was interesting -- and strangely comforting -- how they made the Robin character infertile.)

It's Christmas Time Again

Yes, it's Christmas time again. The time for trimming the tree, singing carols, joy, happiness, and time for families. Maybe it's the emphasis on families, or maybe the loss of two uncles this past year, that is making me feel left out this holiday season. Christmas time is here but it has passed me by.

We have the tree up and decorated, the outside lights have been carefully 'strewn' on the shrubs, presents have been bought, and we're in the process of sending out cards. These rituals are more like chores on a to-do list this year. I do not want to do them but I feel compelled to complete them so no one will think we are lacking in holiday spirit (although we really are).

I finally saw my doctor last week about my missing menstrual cycle (last seen in April) and she ordered blood work and an ultrasound before she can refer me to a gynecologist. But of course Aunt Flow shows up three days later with a vengeance...or maybe it has been so long that I have forgotten how awful it can be. Not sure whether to go ahead and make an appointment for an ultrasound since it appears I am in perimenopause limbo instead of the big M. I mentioned all of this to my Mother who told me that for four or five years before she hit menopause she would have one cycle a year. Fun times ahead.

Just a Few More Days

Just a few more days and Christmas will be over for another year. It has been incredibly difficult this year and I have been full of sadness this past week.

We went for our first visit with our adoption practitioner, who is wonderful, on a snowy morning last week. Of course, I cried going over my history and losses, but the most difficult part was when she warned us that there aren't that many babies put up for adoption in our province. In fact, it's gone down considerably in the past five to ten years. She did tell us there are other avenues to take such as international adoption or adopting from the Children's Aid Society. Then she gave us piles of forms and information an inch thick. I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness as Christmas approaches. The adoption process feels like it is moving further from our grasp the more we proceed.

DH and I avoided an open house on Sunday at a couple's home whom we knew from when we were dating; DH was friend's with the wife and I am not keen on her since she freaked out that we were going to choose the same wedding date as they did 8yrs ago, so we chose the the week after and this couple chose to skip our wedding and go on their honeymoon instead, oh, and they also married in a church that neither attended just because it 'looked good'. They have two children and wrote a sugary newsletter for Christmas. Why do people like this have children easily? Why?

I will be so happy when Christmas is over.

Christmas Time Again

It's Christmas time again. I was over-the-top excited at the end of November when one local radio station began to play Christmas music 24/7 and I put up our new Christmas tree. But, the blues is starting to creep in. Perhaps it's the endless nights and lack of sunshine, or maybe it's the way the holiday cheer seems to highlight who or what is missing from one's life, but Christmas can be tragic, sad, and happy all at once. There's a radio promo from a new-mum excited about her baby's first Christmas that started it. Then I went shopping at the mall and was taken aback by all the little babies in carriages and strollers. The craziest part is hearing Christmas music with references to baby Jesus and I get emotional with the baby references. It's my pity-party this Christmas because I should have had a baby at this point, but no one is paying any attention to this but me.

On the adoption front we are meeting with our adoption practitioner tomorrow as we are about to start the home study. Hope all goes well. We attended an information session at an international adoption agency about three weeks ago. Not sure if this is the route we are to take, but hopefully our practitioner can offer words of advice. We've also signed up for the PRIDE course that starts this winter. I am a bit scared by the uncertainty of adoption. We are doing all we can in our power, but this does not guarantee we will be parents in a year or two and the uncertainty may drive me crazy.

Since this is our first winter with snow in five years I've been obsessive about shoveling the front steps and driveway. A couple of weeks ago, as I was sprinkling some ice melt stuff on the driveway, our next door neighbor came over and introduced herself. She mentioned how we must find the house so big since it's just the two of us. Well, I decided I was going to upfront and honest, so I told her that we are hoping to adopt. Her face lit up and she exclaimed that her two teenage children are adopted (from Russia) and that another family two houses down have two adopted teenage daughters from China. We had a big chat about adoption and I met her son who gave me his two cents on being adopted. Guess fate meant for us to buy this house on this street.

It's That Time of the Year Again

Yes, it's the holiday time. DH's work Christmas party is this evening and we have a 7am flight tomorrow to go back home for a week for Christmas and all that jazz. Our bed is full of my clothes because I can't get my act together to figure out what I want to pack. Any piece of clothing I wear in front of my Mother will be criticized and this year I don't care. What irks me is that the majority of my sweaters are tighter than they were a year ago thanks to hormones and the two pregnancy losses. Ughhhh. I really don't feel like dressing up and painting on a smile for the Christmas party...thinking about bailing.

A couple of weeks ago we got my bloodwork results and it turns out I am 'borderline' protein S deficient. In layman terms, this protein is a natural blood thinner and if you're deficient then your blood has a propensity to clotting. It runs in families and 'lucky' me got it (1 in 20,000), so I have an increased risk of deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism and repeated pregnancy loss. I really wish I had known this when we were starting our trying to conceive journey, but because it is so rare -- and the tests are expensive -- it is only tested after repeated pregnancy loss. So, I'm just feeling a bit down about my genetics and why I have to have this. I'm really beginning to think that God does not want me to have children since I've been given so many obstacles to overcome. First it's crappy eggs and then it's a genetic 'mutation' that won't allow me to stay pregnant. Needless to mention I won't be setting foot inside a church this season because I just don't have that much faith left in me.

An old friend from back home sent me a facebook invitation to a high school reunion over Christmas. Thinking about being around all those old friends and their kids made my stomach churn. I had to send my regrets. I'm just not strong enough this year...not with everything that's happened. In fact, this year I just signed our names to our Christmas cards. No messages...just couldn't do it. Sent them two and a half weeks ago and so far we have received two. Guess the others are too busy trying to write their 'year in review' letters.

And it's the time of year of annoying jewelry store commercials on television. The Kay one with the husband and wife and newborn really offended me when the husband mentioned it was their first year as a 'family'. So, does that mean that DH and I are not a family since we don't have children? I can't watch it and have to turn the channel whenever it pops up.

Here's to all the Barren Babes out there as we bravely make our way to holiday festivities. Keep your head up, paint a smile on your face, and drink a toast to better days ahead.

December is the Cruelest Month

December is the cruellest month...at least for Barren Babes. The month is full of gatherings between family and friends, which opens up the possibility for catching up on those you haven't seen in years. With this comes news of pregnancies and birth announcements. So far, for this Barren Babe, the score is: three pregnancies and one birth announcement. Of course, there's still a week left in December so one never knows...

Will write about my mini pre-Christmas 'breakdown' when I'm back home and not blogging at my in-laws. Yes, December is the cruellest month for Barren Babes as we attempt to receive these announcements with courage and grace while keeping our pain and broken hearts hidden away. Chins up. Be strong.

I Survived Christmas

Yes, I survived the Christmas holidays. Luckily I did not have the discomfort of facing friends with babies/children. Okay, I didn't go out of my way and seek out those people. Rather, my Darling Husband and I have discovered that when some people have a child their priorities change, as they should I suppose. For example, one of DH's old friends from his hometown could not find the time to get together with him for a drink as he must stay close to the baby...or maybe it's that his wife has him on a short leash!!!! As for myself, I honestly did not try to contact a childhood friend who had a baby last year because sometimes the pain sears my heart. I'll be okay in a couple of years when the baby becomes a toddler. But, still, people with a baby do not realize that the world does not revolve around them. Having one is not a justification for letting relationships lapse.

Dreading the Holidays, or How to Cope with MIL

Yes, I am dreading the Holidays. We fly home for Christmas early tomorrow morning, and as much as I love my family, I am really not looking forward visiting. Especially the in-laws, my mother-in-law (MIL) specifically. She knows our struggles with infertility, and yet it's like she has selective amnesia. Last Christmas was difficult because I had a miscarriage the previous spring and my 'due date' would have been around late November/early December, so I was especially sensitive. MIL kept bringing up the baby of Husband's friend from back home, like in the car on the way to church, at Christmas dinner. Ugh! The last time she brought it up I had to be nasty and mention that the friend never wanted children (according to my Darling Husband) and is appeasing his wife (did I mention the baby is, well, ugly). Other times MIL brings up adoption. It's difficult to discuss these topics, so I try not to say much. She really would love a grandchild, but I don't know if we'll be able to provide one, biological or adopted. This year I'm feeling stronger so hopefully it will go better and I won't let her harping get under my skin.

The Question Every Barren Babe Dreads

Darling Husband and I escaped to a little town outside the city where we live last Saturday. In a couple of days we are flying home to spend time with our respective families for the holidays so we really needed a special time together before the Christmas separation. The town was small and cute with tons of antique shops. We stayed the night at a bed and breakfast. I love bed and breakfasts -- especially when they are in big, old houses -- because it's almost like you're staying over at a friend's house. The sticky thing with bed and breakfasts is the breakfast aspect. It's okay if they have lots of little tables and you can sit with your loved one, or if you can grap the breakfast and take it up to your room. But, I dread the huge dining table where everyone sits together. Perhaps I am anti-social, or maybe it's because I dread making small-talk, but the big dining table makes my tummy nervous. So, there we were sitting at the big table with two other couples. I knew the topic would come to children. I just knew it...and then it happened. "So, how many children do you have?" Ugh! "We don't have any children," I replied. My eyes fell to the strata on my plate. Hopefully they got the hint by my lack of eye contact. How do you tell complete strangers about your trials with infertility? Do they really want to know about a miscarriage? I felt my face go red, and luckily to topic changed after several minutes. This question is always asked by people who have children as an opportunity to discuss their own children. Childfree couples never ask because it isn't relevant to their lives.

Be a Santa to A Senior

One of the things that does scare me about remaining childfree the rest of my life is that I will be alone in a nursing home during my later years...and no one will visit me. Okay, I will admit that fear of loneliness in old-age is not a valid reason to have a child. Also, having a child is certainly not a guarantee that he/she will visit you when you are in a nursing home -- my SIL is a prime example, and a daughter of family friends totally cut her parents from her life. The grown child will more than likely stick you in a cheap facility so as not to drain his/her inheritance. So, if you remain childfree you will be able to pick your own nursing home/old folks home. I'll go for one with limo service and an open bar...might as well go out in style.

Here is a way to honor those seniors in our community who may be alone this Christmas. It's called Be a Santa to a Senior. You simply pick a 'decoration' on which a senior has listed a couple of items he/she would like to receive this Christmas. You purchase the item(s) and drop it off at a designated spot, and it is then gift-wrapped and presented to the senior by volunteers. It's a wonderful way to remember seniors in our community who may not have family that visit over Christmas. I really don't know how Barren Babes made it through years ago without fertility clinics and literature on coping with infertility. Many probably turned to adoption agencies, but what about the others who may have had a spouse divorce them because they could not reproduce? These must have been courageous and strong Barren Babes. Think about the Barren Babes that went before us and are now in seniors residences, and honor them by being a santa to a senior or visiting an old age home.