Dark Days

For the past couple of weeks I have tried my best to be upbeat. The last week of October we discovered that an embryo had implanted and I was pregnant, but subsequent blood tests revealed that it had stopped growing. Within a matter of days I was jubilant and then devastated. I also had a birthday that week. Turning 41 in the midst of teary-eyed disappointment is not one of my best memories. That day I vowed not to cry and I didn't -- it took a lot of willpower, but not one tear dropped down my face.

That weekend DH and I took off to the countryside and had a lovely weekend. I dragged him into a few antique shops and we took our time and had fun. There were topics I wanted to discuss and didn't actually have the talk with him until we were home on Sunday. Basically, I wanted to know if DH is up for one final FET. His reply was, "You know how I feel about this." He doesn't want to do anymore embryo transfers, but I want to try one last time. Tears ensued and he relented. Basically, he told me that it kills him to see me devastated each time, but if I really want to try one last time he'll be supportive. I just want to know ahead of time that this is the final attempt.

I had lots of questions prepared for our doctor's appointment last week. What I didn't expect was the doctor's concern about why I've had four losses. The first two pregnancy losses were 'blamed' on my poor egg quality, but since we're using donor eggs he thinks there might me something else causing the embryos not to develop. He theorizes that it could be DH's chromosomes or something to do with me and a clotting factor, or thyroid, or lupus factor. When he was telling us this I kept thinking: why hasn't any doctor thought of doing these tests before? Hmmm...guess it's just easier to blame it on the woman's poor egg quality because she's in her late thirties. Then I thought: so it takes four pregnancy losses before doctors think there's a problem...four losses...four devastating losses.

DH and I have decided to try one last FET before calling it quits to the whole ART thing. I should be optimistic, right? But, instead I'm filled with a dark foreboding feeling that maybe it is DH's chromosomes and therefore there's not much we can do about it. I feel guilty that my desire to be pregnant and give birth has cost us dearly financially -- especially our retirement fund. Of course, if we had put the money in the stock market would we be better off now, or would we be in the same financial situation? These are dark days. I can't wait for November to end. Maybe I'll start playing Christmas music.

It's Always Good To Have A 'Plan B'

This was supposed to be a joyful post, but unfortunately it's not. Two days ago I went for blood work and the results were positive: my beta was 44 and, according to the nurse, anything above 30 was good. I was really expecting a negative so I was in shock for most of the day while walking around in a daze. By evening DH had convinced me that this was the one...it had finally worked. I kept reminding him that we should wait for the second blood test, but DH was positive it was going to go up because...the embryo wasn't from my egg (thanks Honey!!!). He told his parents, and I phoned my Mother and told her but warned that we still had to wait for more bloodwork because it could go down.

Yesterday I went for a walk to get some fresh air and actually opened my heart to let in a bit of hope. I started thinking about a baby growing inside of me and whether I should breastfeed considering the micro-calcifications in one of my breasts. DH and I talked about what the next nine months to a year might bring. His optimism was contagious.

This morning I went for the second blood test and waited all morning for a phone call. I even took that phone with me to the bathroom because I was so afraid of missing the call. Well, I finally got the call just after lunch and it wasn't good news -- I could tell by the tone of the nurse's voice. My beta has dropped to 35 today, and they want to see if it goes up again so I'm scheduled to go back for more blood work in three days. The nurse said there's a small possibility of it going back up again. Has anyone heard of that happening? I couldn't ask many questions because my voice was cracking as I was holding back tears. After having a good cry I can't help but wonder why my body keeps rejecting embryos, and was there something I did to make it not want to stay in my uterus?

At this point I feel numb and can't concentrate enough to read or watch television. But, I am thankful that DH and I came up with a Plan B (to go away this weekend) just in case the results were negative . Thoughts of this getaway are getting me through my sadness. It's always good to have a Plan B.

Lupron Madness

Not sure if this is a side-effect of the lupron I started taking last week, but I am feeling incredibly irritable. Okay, maybe it's more likely that AF is due today or tomorrow. What's really strange about this cycle is that the doctor is in total control of my hormones. As a result, I feel out of control...I've been using the lupron as an excuse for my crabby behavior to long-suffering Darling Husband.

There is a glimmer of hope and that is the fact that we are using DE this cycle. We really didn't think my two follies could produce enough viable eggs for IVF...and the follicle count for the DE this cycle is twenty. So, my fingers are crossed and I am trying to maintain an optimistic outlook. Just wish I could shake my current lupron-induced grumpiness.

Adrienne Barbeau

Just caught an interview with Adrienne Barbeau on the Today Show. I can't believe that she is 62! She looks amazing. What really surprised me is that she had twins at 51. She claimed that she had lots of energy and could keep up with them. Then I started thinking about myself. Could I keep up with a baby at 51? At the moment I am 39 and I am not quite sure I could do it. Then I see someone like Adrienne Barbeau and I think that maybe I can. But, do I really want to go through all the hormone injections again...and possibly the use of donor eggs...Things to think about.

Marcia Cross on The View

As I was channel surfing I this morning I just happened to find Marcia Cross on The View. It was refreshing to find an actress actually admitting how difficult it is to get pregnant after age 40. Not sure if anyone else noticed this, but when asked if either of her daughters looks like her she deflected the question by saying that they look more like their father. Hmmmmm, wonder if she did use donor eggs. But, if she did, who's business is it anyway? I wonder how women that have children using donor eggs/ or sperm react to nosey people commenting on who the child looks like.