Moments of Weakness

Dinner last Saturday went well. While drinking a glass of red wine I decided to reveal our adoption plans. Actually I was asked what I had been up to these days and asked DH if I should tell them about our 'project', and then I told them we are thinking of adopting.

The two of them were very excited and happy for us. Then I had to keep reinforcing that even though we are hoping to adopt we may not end up adopting because not many women choose an adoption plan for their babies. We were asked how we came to this decision and then I revealed our previous pregnancy losses...that was difficult and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. She then told me about her own miscarriage a few years before their son was born so she said she could understand our feelings of loss. They asked questions about the adoption process, but I am not sure they quite understood it because they kept asking why we were focusing on 'local' adoption and I was confused.

I was nervous bringing our hopes for adoption out in the open, although the red wine did help. Infertility was glossed over and I just mentioned that we had undergone some fertility treatments that were successful but ended in pregnancy loss. The clinics and fertility treatments are topics I would rather leave in the past and not be required to tell friends in detail. After they left with their little boy I felt a huge sigh of relief because it felt so freeing to tell people this aspect of our life that we had hidden from view. My only hope is that they do not become like my friend A who begins each conversation with "So, anything new with the adoption?" And I must go through the whole process over and over again.

Even though I felt wonderful emotionally this week thanks to opening up about our adoption quest, I did have a moment of weakness today when I was getting groceries. Beginning in the produce section I noticed the young mother with a toddler son and a baby. From that point it was my mission to avoid them, but it seemed like just as soon as I had forgotten about them there they would be coming down the aisle. Then when I was in the baking aisle and there was another mother and her two beautiful toddlers and then the first mother walked by singing to her baby. I looked away as my eyes began to water but I told myself I was NOT going to cry in the grocery store, so I tried to finish the groceries as fast as I could while avoiding these two women and their children. It seems that just when I think I am strong and over sad thoughts that is when I am vulnerable. At least I did not have a meltdown at the grocery store.

Meltdown

This past week has been a rocky road for me as everday brings a new emotional rollercoaster. One hour I'm happy with life and the next I'm crying. I'm blaming hormones as I quit them a week ago and started bleeding three days ago.

Last hour I had a meltdown when I received a call from an RN at our health insurance provider offering a pre-natal service over the phone for if/when I get pregnant. I thanked her and told her we are no longer doing fertility treatments, but I would use the service if I suddenly were to find myself pregnant. She then mentioned that we could try adopting because she had heard stories of women who had adopted and then found themselves pregnant. (ARGHHHHHHHH!!!) Well, I told her that DH and I are in adoption limbo: we are Canadians living in the US (as DH tries to climb the corporate ladder); because we aren't American citizens we cannot adopt in the US or use an American adoption agency for a foreign adoption; but, on the other hand we cannot adopt in Canada, or use a Canadian adoption agency for a foreign adoption, because we don't currently reside in Canada (this is only available to Canadians overseas in the military or diplomatic service, NOT to those in the business world). At this point my voice started cracking and then it went downhill when I told her about my miscarriage a few months ago. Yes, I cried on the phone to a complete stranger. Oh, boy...still can't believe I did that. In the end I did manage to pull myself together and ask about getting my acupuncture covered as it is not covered if it is for fertility, but she did tell me to try and get them to start a new chart for me under 'general well being'. Hmmm, so acupuncture for something specific like fertility is not covered while acupuncture for 'general well being' is. Crazy.

The meltdown I just mentioned is an example of how my mental state has been this past week. DH has seemed to bounce right back. He was sad when I told him, but he's been trying to keep my mind, and his, off of things by organizing a trip away this weekend. We're off to the City and a bit of retail therapy, and since my waistline isn't quite back to normal yet thanks to all the hormones I will concentrate on shoes and bags. Plus, there's nothing like a hotel room for bringing out the amorous side. It will be wonderful to get away from the mundane details of life for a couple of days.

This past week DH has booked us a flight back to Canada to visit family later in July as he has meetings in the Canadian office at that time. No problem since I'm not pregnant. He's also contacted a realtor there about looking at houses while we're there. Whoa. This is a lot to absorb the week after my negative pregnancy test and deciding to end fertility treatments. I still can't think straight. I guess if we did move back then we could possibly look into adoption, although at 41 I'm not sure what our chances are of adopting a baby/young child. My head is still spinning and DH hasn't even asked his boss yet if he can transfer to the Canadian office. The dilemna is that DH's visa expires in 13 months so we need to know whether to start the Green Card apppication now or pack our things and transfer back.

Yes, this past week has been crazy for me. I've been trying to lose myself in cleaning therapy and movie therapy, both of which help me immensely. It's just that I'm coping with a number of things at once and trying to keep my head above water. Guess I'll just keep treading.

Dealing With Octuplet Backlash

As a barren babe currently undergoing fertility treatment I have received a backlash of sorts from my Mother. Honestly, I love her so much and yet I can't get her to see the world through my eyes or experience. Ever since this crazy lady gave birth to eight babies thanks to a questionable RE who transferred six embryos, my Mother has been suspect to what DH and I are doing.

About a week from now (fingers crossed) I will have two embryos transferred. I am excited, scared, optimistic, and yet I still haven't decided whether to tell my Mother when it takes place. Do I need her judgement? No, just want her approval. But, I want to be relaxed and stress-free and I think if I tell her then I will be unable to achieve that place where no-worry exists.

Fertilty Clinic Frustration

Today is the day I decided to try again. More specifically, to try getting on the fertility clinic/ART merry-go-round again. After doing some internet searches on doctors I made the pick. Discussed it with Darling Husband and we agreed to meet with the 'white coat men' (aka Reproductive Endocrinologists).

So, I picked up the phone and called the number on the clinic's website to set up an appointment as a new patient. I was put through to the person that coordinates new patients. Unfortunately, I did not get to speak to a 'live' person and was put through to voice mail. I hate voice mail and answering machines, but I did leave a message stating my name and phone number three times.

It's been almost two hours and I haven't heard from this person. Have I mentioned that it drives me nuts when people don't return phone calls? After dumping my frustrations on Darling Husband, he suggested that the person probably wasn't at work today and they'll phone me tomorrow. Well, I'll wait until tomorrow and I'll try phoning again. This is the part that I hate most of all about relocating: trying to find new doctors and/or specialists. Guess I have to be stronger and more patient...But it is frustrating when today I am ready to try again...I want to get the ball rolling...I want to set up an appointment.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Ever patient Darling Husband and I are settling into our new place and trying to unpack a mountain of boxes. The guest room/office is looking more like a storage area with a laptop at the moment. Moving is always exciting, stressful, and invigorating.

One of the more difficult aspects of moving to a new city is finding new doctors. I especially need to find a new acupuncurist as this relocation was so stressful on myself that I completely missed a 'cycle' in August....after dropping cash on a handful of pregnancy tests. Need to find a GP and I'm thinking about finding an RE as well. Not sure in which order I should do that one. DH and I have been thinking about trying IVF. I really don't know if I want to finally throw in the towel with ART. A big birthday is fast approaching and I'm not sure how the ART community treats women over a certain age. Funny enough, the older I get the stronger and more confident I become. I feel more capable of being a mother now than when I was in my twenties. If only my ovaries would cooperate!!

Change

Life is crazy at the moment. Darling Husband received a job offer on the Left coast. So, our time has been consumed by: DH negotiating relocation, dealing with lawyers regarding the visa transfer, moving companies visiting and giving bids, packing, apartment hunting via the internet, and trying to decide when to give notice to our current rental and DH's job. He doesn't want me telling people yet, but this is my 'secret' blog, and I doubt anyone he works with is aware of this one (unless they're going through infertility)...although I have been forced to write nothing about this on my other blog -- which is killing me.

Thankfully, this big change in our lives has taken my mind off of the recent cover of a certain gossip rag with 'you know who' and the twins. Although I have read on a gossip blog that AJ has denied using IVF...yeah, and most severely underweight women conceive twins easily. Grrrr! She is just part of the Hollywood Stroller Brigade (eg. Julia Roberts, JLo, etc.) with twins who deny use of IVF. There is nothing wrong with using IVF, and 'stars' who use it to get pregnant should not be ashamed. Are we that use fertility treatments abnormal? No, I think we're more of the 'norm' today as more women delay starting families.

Anyway, with this upcoming move I've started thinking about maybe...trying fertility treatments again. Perhaps it's because there will be new doctors who may have other opinions/options, or maybe it's because of the acupuncture -- which has made me feel brave, strong and regulated my cycles. And so it continues. Just wish I would have a 'miracle' surprise without injections and without a medical team of doctors and nurses.

Cheap Invitro

Still not sure how to comment on news stories that I link on the blog. Thought that one from last week was bizarre but hopeful: Africa getting cheap invitro. Sad that barren babes in Africa are stigmatized by their failure to produce offspring. The hopeful part is crazy, but perhaps this cheap invitro process will be a success and find its way across the Atlantic ocean. Even more bizarre would be desperate North American couples making a trek over to the Arican continent for cheap invitro. It will become a fad and 'vacations' will be planned around cheap invitro in far-flung countries.

Fertility Treatment In Developing Countries; A Cycle Of IVF For Less Than $200

ScienceDaily (2008-07-09) -- After 30 years of IVF, the rewards of treatment are still largely confined to industrialized countries and those who can afford it. Now, a Special Task Force of European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology has set about the immeasurable task of making fertility treatment more accessible to developing countries through a program of pilot projects, professional awareness and involvement of government and non-governmental agencies. ... > read full article

Brothers & Sisters & IVF

Last night's episode of 'Brothers & Sisters' made Darling Husband and I chuckle. Did you catch it? Kitty and her husband at the RE's office getting instructions on the hormonal needles. All the talk about needles and egg harvesting made us 'nostalgic' and happy that we jumped off that wagon. It was great to see characters in a popular televison show facing fertility treatments. Perhaps the writers will show a couple struggling with infertility, unlike the brother and his wife who seemed to get pregnant on their first ART 'try'. Kitty's earlier miscarriage this season mirrored my own as I also discovered that 'it' had stopped growing during my first ultrasound at the OB's office. The only flaw in this storyline is that I got the impression that her husband really does not want anymore children. When did he do a total turnaround?

It's Okay Not to be a Mother

Everyday it is getting better. The longing for a baby is slowly, ever so slowly, subsiding. This time a year ago we were doing fertility treatments. You know, spending thousands of dollars on injectable hormones and running to and from the doctor's office for ultrasounds and bloodwork. Oh, yes, and injecting myself at least once, sometimes twice, a day with hormones that may eventually cause cancer. The hormones always made me lethargic and miserable. Really don't miss that at all. Really don't miss the bloating or the mandated 'sex on a schedule'. I was desperate and reaching out for anything.

A year later I am beginning to realize that it's okay not to get pregnant. It's okay if I don't give birth. The big surprise I'm discovering within myself is that it's okay not to be a mother.

All my life I thought it was the most natural thing to get pregnant and give birth. Unfortunately, infertility robs any piece of natural order out of motherhood. Growing up we are led to believe that pregnancy, giving birth, and becoming a mother is the ultimate thing a woman can do in her lifetime. Now I am beginning to realize that maybe it is not. It's okay not to pin that motherhood star on your wagon. I have finally discovered that I really should not base my self-worth on my ability to conceive and bear a child. It's okay not to get pregnant. It's okay if I don't give birth. It's okay not to be a mother.

Eat, Pray, Love Movie

Just watched Oprah earlier and she mentioned that there will be a movie adaptation of the wonderful book 'Eat, Pray, Love'. Hmmm, not sure what to make of that news. How does a book revolving around spiritual awakening and growth become a movie? The absolute worst part about this movie adaptation is that Elizabeth Gilbert's role will be played by Julia Roberts. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. A thousand times NO. This cannot be. I'm not a fan -- don't find her attractive (horsey face with gigantic mouth) plus she would not admit that fertility treatment helped produce her twins, and God knows millions of women going through the trials of infertility need to know that they are not alone...that there's nothing to be ashamed about...that it's okay to use assisted reproductive methods.

Christmas Cards

Dug out the Christmas card list from last year and started the task of sending cards to family and friends yesterday and today. We do not send the newsletter telling everyone about our year. I think that if you're close enough to someone then you do not need a newsletter. Besides, it lacks a certain warmth. My DH and I joke that we should mail a letter detailing our trips to the fertility clinic, and the IUIs that we went through. Then we could describe the needles I used to inject hormones into myself, and then reflect upon our decision (so far) to suspend further IUIs as the hormone I was using could spark tumor growth in the brain, breast, and sex organs. Yeah, well, we decided not to share our fertility clinic experiences with anyone. I absolutely dread getting the baby/children photos -- I ripped up the ones we received last year. This is the time of the year when it really bites to be infertile. My only consolation is that I am drinking egg nog this year after five years of deprivation in case I might be pregnant. Screw it, I'm drinking everything this Christmas. I'm even thinking of sneaking a flask in my suitcase when I go home as my folks are on the wagon. I'm sure my single follicle won't mind at all.

Alexis Stewart Rocks!

Bravo to Alexis Stewart for going on Oprah yesterday to share her struggle with trying to conceive. Loved how dignified she was as she showed everyone what exactly is involved in trying to conceive when the odds are against you. It's great that she had the courage to show everyone the drug protocol and process that goes into a cycle of ivf. Love how she's not afraid to share her struggle -- because it is not something to be ashamed of and hidden from the public. The icing on the cake was when she put a bit of the blame on waiting too long to conceive on the media who portray these famous actresses who have children into their 40s. You know what I mean because they have been on the cover of women's magazines for the last 15 years. I agree with Alexis that these actresses should have been more honest and told the media just what is involved in getting pregnant in your 40s, namely hormone injections, ivf, and possibly donor eggs. Bravo to Oprah for highlighting the fact that infertility is now a multi-million dollar business that preys upon the heartache of couples willing to mortgage homes and drain life savings to have a child. I only hope that this is the beginning of breaking the infertility taboo.

Oh, J-Lo! I feel for you, I really do. Everyone is wondering if you are indeed pregnant. Rumor has it you have been visiting fertility clinics for a couple of years. Been there, honey, been there. If you are pregnant I am so happy for you. Just wish the tabloids, journalists, and the world would leave you in peace. Take it easy and know that you are still a babe if you are not with child.

Throw in the Towel?

Hubby and I are trying to decide when to call it quits with the IUI. We've done three this year and none have been successful. The last one was actually called off as I ovulated on my own and it was too late to do the insemination. Guess we are both frustrated with the situation and going through the process of an IUI, which brings with it a lot of stress and I become an emotional rollercoaster from the hormones. We've been on a 'break' the past couple of months from visiting the RE and doing the needles and sonograms etc. Honestly, I've been really happy and relaxed for the first time in about a year...The last time I felt this great was before my miscarriage in spring 2006. I love my life right now. Sure, I would welcome a baby if that happens naturally, but I don't think I want to go through with more fertility treatments. Also, I'm a bit scared about the long-term effects of the hormones on my body. It would be so much easier if pregnancy would happen easily and naturally like it seems to do to other couples.