Post-Op Days

Today marks day 16 since my surgery, and I am feeling good. Yesterday I wore capris that had a zipper and waistband -- which is a big deal since I've been hanging out in loose fitting shorts, stretchy jersey skirts, and flowing sundresses for two weeks. Today I feel like myself again.

The pre-op care right before surgery was unnerving. The week before I had been trying to find a 'happy, peaceful place' in my mind to go to while meditating in preparation for the surgery. Everything was going well that morning as I breathed deeply, closed my eyes and pretended I was on a deserted beach in Hawaii. Then the nurse came to take my vitals. Everything is now put into a computer and she was having difficulty with it complaining about working with computers. Then she was giving me some meds the anesthiologist had prescribed and she couldn't make out his handwriting so she kept paging him. Finally another nurse came over and was able to read the number he had scribbled just as someone came to wheel me to the operating room. Honestly, I kept thinking there must be hidden cameras and this is part of Betty White's new show because the nurse looked to be in her mid-to-late 60s.

The porter wheeled me to a hallway and left me outside the operating room. I couldn't see more than a foot in front of me since I didn't have my glasses on. People walked by talking about their weekends as I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself on that deserted beach in Hawaii. It was a bit dehumanizing as I felt like a piece of furniture placed in the hall. Why don't they speak in hushed tones? When did a hospital become a loud-talking place? The operating room nurse came out and spoke to me in a hushed tone as well as my surgeon and the resident. Surprisingly the resident had the best bedside manner and answered my questions that relieved some of my jitters. Then I was wheeled into the operating room.

My heart started racing and I forgot the deserted beach in Hawaii as I moved myself onto the operating table under the glare of the lights. I wondered why they hadn't given me a cap to cover my hair like they did in California when I had the embryo transfers. I asked the nurse and she said I didn't really need one as she strapped the blood-pressure cuff on my arm. Meanwhile the anesthesiologist (who was NOT the one I met at my pre-op) brusquely got the i.v. started and tried to make small talk by joking about me getting time off work for recovery. I then said not really because I am a housewife. He replied with: "How old are your children?" I gulped and told him I don't have any children. He then remarked that my blood pressure was high and if I was taking anything for it. I said no, but all I could think about was: I'm in an operating room on an uncomfortable table; I've never had surgery before; I don't have a cap covering my hair; this anesthesiologist obviously has NOT read my medical history due to the question about my children who never made it to birth. Of course my blood pressure was elevated! I just closed my eyes as the nurse covered my mouth and nostrils with the 'mask' for oxygen and tried not to cry.

The surgery went well. According to my surgeon, a small cyst was removed by my right fallopian tube. All this was told to me as I was coming out of anesthesia so I am not sure about what happened with my tube. The resident who assisted the surgery came to see me again in post-op and asked which side I had my ectopic pregnancies. I told him it was my right side (where the cyst was) and he replied that the right tube was very inflamed. Unfortunately I was not cognizant enough to ask questions. In two weeks I am going to see my doctor for a post-op appointment so I will get more answers. She did say the cyst looked 'good' (I guess by that she means benign) but they sent it to pathology to make sure.

I was on painkillers for a couple of days but had to stop because they were affecting my emotions and making me moody and depressed. That was one side-effect I did not expect. The other unexpected effect was the gas pain. I've had gas before, but due to the anesthesia and swelling the gas seemed to be stuck inside me so I could not lie down and had to keep walking around the house.

Finally I feel good again. Going out for sushi with an old friend (who is also without child) tomorrow night and I can't wait. In five days I can lift heavy stuff and my flowers can't wait for that as they really need some TLC (a spirea has died and I may have lost an astilbe).

Looking Forward

Just survived a week at home with my parents. Love them dearly, but they have never been that great with the empathy/sensitivity thing. Perhaps it is because both are the 'babies' of their families and used to getting lots of attention and focus and not familiar with giving it. Guess it's a bit harsh but it is what it is and it's taken me a long time to realize this, accept it and let it be.

An example would be the fact that my Mother knows the loss I've recently gone through with the ectopic preganancy, and yet there is photo of my cousin's newborn baby sitting on the table in the middle of the living room. I tried to ignore it the first day I was home, but the second day I made a comment to get it out of my head. There it was day after day and it really got to me, but I did not want my parents to know that it hurt me. When I would come close to breaking down I would focus on the baby's wonky eyes: one is round and the other is almond-shaped. That poor child will grow up with uneven eyes like Tina Fey -- still haven't forgiven her for the 'miracle' pregancy ending of 'Baby Mama'.

I did let my Mother in on the fact that DH and I are going to be trying a FET this month. Not much reaction on her side and there's no surprise there. I am trying to be positive and look forward while forgetting the past, because you can't move ahead if you keep looking back.

Thanks

I want to send a special thank you to all who commented on the Quest posting. Now I realize that I am not the only one who has been treated poorly by their staff. Thanks for the support.

This ectopic pregnancy was a surprise and while I am feeling better physically (my hcg was down to 60 on Friday), emotionally I am fragile. My family doesn't understand and is not really 'there' to support me. Meanwhile, I've lost touch with old friends who've had children -- because it pains me to hear them talk about their babies, or they avoid me because I've opened up to them about my infertility (maybe they think it's contagious).

Your words of encouragement soothe my soul, lift my spirit, and remind me that I am not alone on this journey. Thanks.

Quest Diagnostics Sucks

Thanks to the ectopic pregnancy, and the resulting methotrexate shots, I am required to get bloodwork twice a week. So far, I have been going to the Quest Diagnostics clinic in the medical building where the fertility clinic is situated. As of today's experience I will be either incurring the extra cost of bloodwork at the fertility clinic, or attempting to experience another Quest clinic.

Yes, the Quest Diagnostics I have been going to has never been known for its customer service, but I have a 'stat' order and get through quickly with no problem. No problem until today. The doctor's nurse was supposed to fax the requisition to Quest, so when I arrived I signed in but there was no one at the desk for me to talk to about the fax. When someone appeared I approached the desk to mention the requisition/fax and was bluntly told: "I'm busy. I don't have time for that." Wow. I didn't even have time to squeeze in that it's a 'stat' order. Went back to my seat to read a magazine. A few minutes later I hear her yelling across the room at me: "What's the last name on the requisition?". Since I don't like yelling, I approached the desk and asked what last name she was referring to (not sure if she meant mine or the doctor's). This is the reply I received: "What? You don't know your last name?" I was absolutely shocked by her callous rudeness. I gave her my last name and sat down again. Then came another shout from across the room: "What date was it faxed?" I couldn't take it, so I yelled back: " I don't know!!" Then she told me not to yell at her!!! Oh, my God!!! When she yelled back that they didn't have it I got up and left vowing never to return. Luckily DH was there because the tears started flowing as soon as I left.

In a cloud of tears I ended up going up to the fertility clinic to get another requisition and my bloodwork drawn there incurring an extra cost.

What is wrong with Quest Diagnostics??? Why is there no compassion? Do you think that I'm going to let a woman who is rude to me put a needle in my vein? I did not ask for this ectopic to happen to me, and I really do not enjoy getting bloodwork drawn. I am only there because I am under a doctor's order to get bloodwork. Why belittle me in front of a waiting room full of people? What happened to a little kindness and compassion? Quest Diagnostics sucks for hiring such bitchy people to draw blood.

The Saga Continues

Today I am going to the clinic to have one of those fun internal sonograms to check if I have an ectopic pregnancy because my beta from Friday was 200. I am full of so many emotions. When I went for blood work this morning they didn't have my requisition and asked me what I was there for...yeah, I was close to tears but I didn't let one salty wet one fall down my cheek. I cried Saturday when I discovered the beta number, but I really do not want to cry again over this. Through with tears. I want this whole thing to be finished and, crazy enough, I am hoping for a shot of methotrexate -- even though I have no pain or spotting, just a beta that went from 30 to 200 in a week. DH and I joked last night that maybe I have a rogue embryo that will not go down without a fight. Please let my beta fall...

Just a Little Pregnant...But, Not Enough

Just got the call from the clinic regarding my blood work this morning as it has been 11 days since the embryo transfer. So, it seems that my HCG level is only at 17when it should be at least 50. Let's see...that means I am technically pregnant but not enough.

Yes, it's the dreaded biochemical pregnancy. I've had one before after my first IUI that started as a 'biochemical' and then scarily evolved into an ectopic as the HCG numbers climbed erratically and I had light bleeding and pain. A shot of methotrexate ended that one.

I am praying that this 'not quite' pregnancy does NOT become an ectopic pregnancy. Crazy as it sounds, I really would like to start another IVF with a couple of the frozen embryos.

But, until we get the lab results from Wednesday's blood test, it's back to the progesterone shots.