Surviving Christmas Time

Saturday night was DH's work Christmas Party, which consisted of a cocktail hour and dinner at a golf club. We were both dreading it for different reasons, but made the effort to get off the sofa and dress-up for the 'free meal'.

DH will normally warn me if there will be a pregnant woman at social functions, so I was surprised when I saw a woman with a pregnant belly arrive. Luckily we were mingling at the other side of the room during cocktail hour, but later found ourselves sitting at their end of the table (it was one long table). I chose to engage in conversation with people on the other side of the table, although I could hear bits of the pregnancy talk that consisted of baby names, cravings/what to eat while pregnant, and general kid stuff. I managed to survive thanks to DH and gin. Meanwhile, I discovered that parents with teenagers enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages and prefer not talking about their kids.

Needless to mention I was a tad cranky when we finished our Christmas cards on Sunday. Then a good friend phoned and wanted me (solo) to join her for dinner the week before Christmas, but this girlfriend really seems to hate doing stuff with us as a couple. I am always surprised since she is single and DH may know of other guys that we could bring along. Anyway, I agreed to meet her for dinner that week and wondered where she wanted to go and she suggested a restaurant in my old 'hood from my single days. I vehemently said no I won't go to that neighborhood anymore because of what it has become: what was once a funky street with antique and consignment stores, and mom&pop shops is now full of trendy baby toy/clothes/furniture shops and Starbucks and the stroller-brigade. I then suggested going for sushi in a funky area near downtown. She was shocked by my bitchiness and lack of Christmas spirit and told me that I should 'get out more'. Ummmmm, my hating the Holidays is tied up with my infertility and she, like most people, does not understand this. I decided not to fight with her, but my inner voice thought 'whatever'. This lack of understanding underlines how isolating infertility can be...especially at Christmas.

This morning DH was hanging out at home a bit longer since he was going directly to the airport for a business trip. We were talking about the Christmas cards and the new address we are waiting for from an old college friend of DH. I then reflected that this friend and his wife (who were married about a year ago) might be good to hang out with since they are in their early forties without children. Surprise, surprise, DH then tells me that the friend's wife is pregnant. Oh, God. Oh, God. My stomach turned sour. The tears began falling down my cheeks upon realizing that we are the only couple without a child within our social circle. The only consolation was that DH told me that he found out the info from Suit Guy when we met up with him the other week for drinks after Christmas shopping. Suit Guy told DH the news when I left to go to the restroom. Suit Guy reasoned that "Life really is unfair if **** can have a baby and you guys can't." At least Suit Guy feels a bit of our pain. (And yes, Suit Guy is a lot like the Barney character from 'How I Met Your Mother', except the women ask him out, and it was interesting -- and strangely comforting -- how they made the Robin character infertile.)

HRT Rocks

It will be two weeks tomorrow since my appointment with the gynecologist. The appointment itself got off to a rocky start when I had to wait for an hour to see the doctor, who excused her tardiness by exclaiming that "she's had all these pregnant women today!" Oh, boy. Yep, the tears started and I had a meltdown when I had to give her my history of prior lost pregnancies because it never gets easier talking about them -- especially after spending 45 minutes surrounded by pregnant bellies.

The doctor was skeptical that I am in menopause and thinks that all the lupron has suppressed my ovaries from functioning properly. I explained that the first RE I saw in Canada predicted that I would begin menopause in my early forties due to my high FSH. She was hesitant about prescribing hormones, but I told her I was through with trying to conceive, and I pleaded my case about hot flashes, mood swings, belly weight gain, insomnia, and the stuff nobody talks about: low libido and vaginal dryness. I'm only 41 and I'm not ready for all this stuff. When I told her about being on estrogen patches during the embryo transfer protocol and how amazing I felt, she chuckled and said, "of course you did! You were on estrogen!" She told me she could write me a prescription for a low-dose patch and that I would also have to go on a low-dose progesterone so my lining wouldn't build up too much.

Since it has been two years since my last pap smear I also had one of those. In the past I have suffered through some horrible ones and was surprised at how pain free this one was and complimented the doctor who told me it's probably because of all the fertility treatments I've had. Guess that's a hidden benefit.

The doctor was okay, but since I'm moving I don't have time to find another one. Plus, I'll have to find one back in Canada (hopefully I'll be able to get a family doctor first). I will definitely look for a doctor fresh out of med school since my current GP graduated three years ago and she's awesome. Plus, when I mentioned to the gynecologist (50ish) about pursuing adoption she asked what country was I looking at? I told her I was looking into private adoption in Canada and she seemed surprised, whereas my family doctor had told me that she had helped a handful of patients adopt.

The hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has been wonderful. I feel like myself again. No more PMS-like mood swings and the libido is back. The only thing it doesn't quite solve (so far) are hot flashes, which I still get although not as frequently and not as severe. I am paranoid about breast cancer so I'm checking everyday. Maybe I'm being too paranoid, but I noticed a rash/chafing around my nipple and I'm not sure if this is abnormal or from exercising.

I feel normal and have energy again. For the next couple of months I'm really going to need that energy to get me through our move across the continent.

Song to Help You Survive Pregnant Friends/Co-Workers

I found this awesome video on a blog last week and it makes me smile each time I watch it on Youtube. It's called 'Pregnant Women are Smug' by two women called 'Garfunkel & Oates' (great name). I've been trying to get pregnant for the past six and a half years and have encountered plenty of smug pregnant women in that time. Admit it, we've all thought it but no one likes to say it because...well, they're pregnant. If this upcoming FET does work, and I find myslef pregnant, I know how NOT to act around others.

I Survived the SATC Movie

Last Saturday morning I dragged Darling Husband to the new Sex and The City movie. It wasn't easy, but I reminded him of the countless sporting events I've attended with him...plus, tickets were $6 if we went before noon.

So much estrogen packed into one movie theater early in the morning...The theater was packed full of women so it was no wonder that DH was desperate for java. We arrived early and sat at the end of a row. For some bizarre reason I am a magnet for pregnant women. Yes, two pregnant women sat beside me. What could I do? The movie was about to begin in five minutes and seats were filling up fast. I squeezed DH's hand as the second of the pregnant bellies passed by me and he told me to relax and then reminded me that the movie would soon begin.

Loved the movie not only for the story, but really for the amazing fashion and product placements. It was like one long fashion advertisement. Oh, and that apartment they bought...where did they find the room to make that huge clothes closet? Yes, the closet that every woman salivates over. The closet that only exists in my dreams. Ahhhh. I'd move to Manhattan in a heartbeat if I could afford to live in that apartment.

My only complaint regarding the movie is Charlotte's miraculous pregnancy. Didn't her doctor tell her that she only had a 5-10% chance of conceiving? (Hmmm, or am I confusing her reproductively-challenged life with my own?) It's annoying that they are perpetuating the myth that barren women can conceive once they adopt a child. Is this a scientific fact that has been studied? No, it's just a tidy way to give a character a 'happy-ending'. Personally, I think they should have left Charlotte with her beautiful adopted daughter and added drama by giving her a crisis of faith by either: having her husband come-out as gay or having him suffer from a fatal disease. Thank God that Samantha, and hopefully Carrie, will never have children. Some lives are meant to be 'R' rated, i.e. Adult Only.

P.S. We actually saw someone bringing a girl about ten into the theater. What kind of mother would do that? Has she only seen the TBS version? I actually miss the HBO sexed-up series....maybe I'll have to breakdown and buy it.

It's Hard To Keep a Good Woman Down

Unfortunately, last weekend dear aunt flo came to visit. Of course, I am always somewhat let-down when this happens as I always hold out for the 'miracle' to happen...and I am always disappointed. Hope can be a dangerous thing.

When the disappointment strikes I comfort myself by indulging in sushi and alcohol, and so Darling Husband and I went out for sushi and I had a yummy lychee martini. We also went to see a couple of live bands. Nothing like raw fish, booze, and live music to boost one's spirits.

Must comment that I actually encountered a very pregnant belly (wearing a tight shirt...why do women do this?) at the music venue. I totally was not expecting to see a huge pregnant belly and felt a sinking feeling in my tummy when I saw her. But, what really made me happy was that Darling Husband instinctively knew I would be affected by this sight and reached out and put his arm around me and rubbed my back. It was his kind and empathetic action that prevented me from emotionally reacting.

Another Pregnant Belly Part II, All Is Not What It Seems

Had a return visit to the dentist this morning, and I was feeling anxious about the procedure and a bit wary about the woman with the pregnant belly working in the dentist's office. The whole dental thing was uncomfortable but necessary and I could not ignore it, though I was trying my best to ignore the pregnant belly at reception. Basically, I did not acknowledge her situation and everything went well until I was almost at the door and noticed the acupuncture pamphlet.

I stopped and blurted: "Oh, acupuncture.." while grabbing a pamphlet to take home and that is when our conversation began. She asked if I had tried acupuncture and then told me that she started going last year to balance her cycles as she and her husband had been trying to conceive for over two years. Then I told her that I had started going to acupuncture for the very same reason and that Darling Husband and I were having difficulty conceiving. It actually was wonderful talking to her and hearing about all the frustration she went through; all the stupid advice people give you (eg. go on a cruise or have a margarita) and the rude questioning about why you don't have a baby. She admitted that for the first four months of her pregnancy she didn't want to talk about it because she was in shock that she actually was pregnant.

Before leaving I asked her due date and wished her well knowing she had travelled down the same path as me and was now veering onto another course that I have yet to find the directions for...and maybe never will.

Another Pregnant Belly

Had a dentist appointment this afternoon. Like most people I dread going to the dentist and I am always slightly anxious. All went well..okay, I must go back about a filling but that is somewhat normal for me. Okay, all went well until I went to set up my next appointment and there she stood before me with her pregnant belly right out there. Yes, the woman in the dentist's office is pregnant. Surprisingly I did not have a meltdown and I didn't react. Felt a faint twinge of sadness mixed with jealousy but it soon passed. I did not acknowledge her pregnancy by commenting on it and asking about it. Sometimes it's easier if you just say nothing at all, and I think I'll stick with that and ignore her pregnant belly when I go back again. Sometimes being a bitch helps you make through. There, I've let it out and now I can get on with my day.

Pregnant Bikini Belly Blues

My Darling Husband and I are back from our Thanksgiving trip to Hawaii. Guess you can't avoid families with children at hotels unless you stay at Sandals because the Sheraton was full of them. The crying, screaming, and whining children reinforced our choice to suspend further fertility treatment. How can you find serenity with that? There were some well-behaved children although they appeared to be the exception and not the rule. Many instances of poor parenting skills including one instance where we witnessed a toddler almost drown in a 5ft deep pool as the mother sat watching. Really, who lets a toddler in a 'deep' pool by themselves? Being able to reproduce does not equate with being a great parent, just look at Britney Spears (that's another blog posting). Even though we appeared to be surrounded by children on the beach and at the pool I really managed not to have a melt down every time I saw a baby carriage, or a woman carrying a baby. Everything was great until our last afternoon at the pool. There she was, a pregnant woman (about 6-7 months) wearing a BIKINI floating on an air-mattress in the pool. I averted my eyes and tried to read. But, the worst part is that she and her hubby got out and sat NEXT to us!!!! That was it for me. I just couldn't sit there and not look at that bare pregnant belly -- something that I will never have. I got up and asked DH to go to the beach with me, and vented to him as soon as we got out of there. He thought I over reacted. He doesn't understand. I do not want to see a strange woman's pregnant belly. There should be some unwritten rule that pregnant women should not wear bikinis in public. I really do NOT want to look at a stranger's pregnant belly. Ughhhh!!