Just having one of those days when the darkness of IF is falling over me and I need to vent. This morning, thanks to a tweet, I discovered a former workmate of DH's is pregnant. It really shouldn't bother me since she currently lives on another continent and I never see her, but I did feel a tinge of sadness when I noticed how she complained about normal pregnancy symptoms.
Cheered myself by meeting DH for a lunch date and then some retail therapy. It worked until I drove home and noticed the new neighbors around the corner had a massive stroller by their front door. I really can't win today.
Chatted with my Mother over the phone and she mentioned that the wife of someone I vaguely know (it's a small town and everyone knows one another) was finally out of ICU after a scary childbirth last week that involved an emergency c-section where a major artery was cut and she almost bled to death. That brought back memories of the miscarriage with the blood pouring out of me. Why did I have to hear that story today?
There has been no news on the adoption front and the big adoption agency still has not received their license from Vietnam. We are living in limbo as time moves on and we begin to lose confidence that we will ever parent a child. Just want to scream right now, but maybe I'll turn on the Spa channel on Sirius and gaze at my flower garden.
Showing posts with label retail therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retail therapy. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Friday, July 9, 2010
Confusion
A week ago I was trying to pack my bag for our weekend away in the big city, when DH came home with the news that he received a phone call from the company he interviewed with two months ago and they gave him a job offer...and they wanted him to make a decision in two days. My stomach sank as I tried to keep it together and pack. I really wasn't expecting this news.
While DH was driving the car my teary eyes were hidden by my dark shades because I really didn't want him to know how disappointed I was that we weren't going to be moving closer to home. I had talked myself into moving back and maybe looking into adoption, but the job offer is in the US so that wouldn't be a possibility.
After we checked into the hotel we went out for sushi and I had a big glass of sake. DH was trying to talk me into moving back to Texas (where the job is located and where we had lived several years ago). I was just having a difficult time processing everything that had happened the last week, and so I needed some retail therapy, and then a chocolate martini when we went back to the hotel. We drew up a pros and cons list and the new job won. The only drawback was the salary/job title, but we decided not to make a decision at that moment.
The Saturday involved oodles of retail therapy that included, among other things, a funky pair of cork platform sandals with magenta straps (that perfectly matches the magenta Coach bag I bought earlier this year). Had a difficult moment in Banana Republic when a woman walked in with a giant stroller that contained twin babies. My reaction was to move away from her as quickly as possible, but it felt like she was following me because she was there everytime I turned around.
Conversation at lunch and dinner revolved around the dilemna of whether DH should take the job offer, or stay in his current position and approach his boss about a possible move to the Canadian office. As much as I love my husband he was really stressing me out because he couldn't make up his mind, and so I had two martinis over dinner (and another one when we got back to the hotel). Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but after DH and I ordered dinner we noticed the waiters adding two high-chairs to a long table next to us. I piped up and told our waiter that we wanted to move to another table because we wanted a quiet, romantic table, and they complied. Honestly, at that point if a couple of babies were seated next to us I would have had a meltdown.
Through the alcohol haze and retail therapy of the weekend, DH decided to verbally accept the position in Texas if the salaray was increased slightly. When he phoned on Monday and told the prospective boss this, DH was surprised that he did bump the salary. But, he later realized that he forgot to tell him about the visa situation (there are actually 2 years left on it), so he sent him a quick email explaining that he couldn't start working until the visa is transferred. Meanwhile, on Tuesday he spoke with his current boss about the possibility of transferring to the Canadian office and he had no problem with it, so that evening DH comes home and tells me he doesn't know what to do.
The past few days have been nerve wracking for me. DH keeps changing his mind, and he keeps asking me what he should do, and I don't want to tell him what to do because I know I will get blamed in the future if he is unhappy. He is also waiting for a written job offer, which still has not appeared (maybe they've stalled regarding the visa situation). Plus, I am still grieving that I will never give birth as this fact slowly sinks into my consciousness. I still have strange moments where my eyes fill with tears when I see babies on television, or when I read about another pregnant celebrity, or when I hear about some meth-head woman trying to sell her baby for $25 in a parking lot.
Acupuncture was a godsend on Wednesday because it calmed me down and I was able to listen to my inner voice. It made me realize that in my heart I would like to move home and be closer to family (especially as my niece and nephew are entering their teen years), but I don't want to rush into it and buy the first house we see. The realtor has been sending us email alerts of homes on the market and I haven't seen anything I really love. The worst part is clicking on the photos and seeing baby rooms with cribs. Unfortunately, that makes me not like the house. I know it's silly, but when I see a crib it makes me think of the miscarriage and how far along I'd be at this moment -- probably buying a crib and preparing a nursery. At least in my heart I know what I want, but as for DH who knows...
While DH was driving the car my teary eyes were hidden by my dark shades because I really didn't want him to know how disappointed I was that we weren't going to be moving closer to home. I had talked myself into moving back and maybe looking into adoption, but the job offer is in the US so that wouldn't be a possibility.
After we checked into the hotel we went out for sushi and I had a big glass of sake. DH was trying to talk me into moving back to Texas (where the job is located and where we had lived several years ago). I was just having a difficult time processing everything that had happened the last week, and so I needed some retail therapy, and then a chocolate martini when we went back to the hotel. We drew up a pros and cons list and the new job won. The only drawback was the salary/job title, but we decided not to make a decision at that moment.
The Saturday involved oodles of retail therapy that included, among other things, a funky pair of cork platform sandals with magenta straps (that perfectly matches the magenta Coach bag I bought earlier this year). Had a difficult moment in Banana Republic when a woman walked in with a giant stroller that contained twin babies. My reaction was to move away from her as quickly as possible, but it felt like she was following me because she was there everytime I turned around.
Conversation at lunch and dinner revolved around the dilemna of whether DH should take the job offer, or stay in his current position and approach his boss about a possible move to the Canadian office. As much as I love my husband he was really stressing me out because he couldn't make up his mind, and so I had two martinis over dinner (and another one when we got back to the hotel). Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but after DH and I ordered dinner we noticed the waiters adding two high-chairs to a long table next to us. I piped up and told our waiter that we wanted to move to another table because we wanted a quiet, romantic table, and they complied. Honestly, at that point if a couple of babies were seated next to us I would have had a meltdown.
Through the alcohol haze and retail therapy of the weekend, DH decided to verbally accept the position in Texas if the salaray was increased slightly. When he phoned on Monday and told the prospective boss this, DH was surprised that he did bump the salary. But, he later realized that he forgot to tell him about the visa situation (there are actually 2 years left on it), so he sent him a quick email explaining that he couldn't start working until the visa is transferred. Meanwhile, on Tuesday he spoke with his current boss about the possibility of transferring to the Canadian office and he had no problem with it, so that evening DH comes home and tells me he doesn't know what to do.
The past few days have been nerve wracking for me. DH keeps changing his mind, and he keeps asking me what he should do, and I don't want to tell him what to do because I know I will get blamed in the future if he is unhappy. He is also waiting for a written job offer, which still has not appeared (maybe they've stalled regarding the visa situation). Plus, I am still grieving that I will never give birth as this fact slowly sinks into my consciousness. I still have strange moments where my eyes fill with tears when I see babies on television, or when I read about another pregnant celebrity, or when I hear about some meth-head woman trying to sell her baby for $25 in a parking lot.
Acupuncture was a godsend on Wednesday because it calmed me down and I was able to listen to my inner voice. It made me realize that in my heart I would like to move home and be closer to family (especially as my niece and nephew are entering their teen years), but I don't want to rush into it and buy the first house we see. The realtor has been sending us email alerts of homes on the market and I haven't seen anything I really love. The worst part is clicking on the photos and seeing baby rooms with cribs. Unfortunately, that makes me not like the house. I know it's silly, but when I see a crib it makes me think of the miscarriage and how far along I'd be at this moment -- probably buying a crib and preparing a nursery. At least in my heart I know what I want, but as for DH who knows...
Friday, February 19, 2010
Blue
Last week at this time I was physically drained and feeling like a zombie -- and, looking like a vampire due to the blood loss. Today I feel emotionally drained. The tears come at weird moments like watching the winter olympics and thinking I'll never have a little one to take to ski hills, figure skating, or hockey. Much like the overcast skies I feel blue, or maybe I have a case of the "mean reds" like 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Retail therapy might be just the cure, but I'm afraid seeing pregnant bellies and baby strollers might induce an emotional breakdown. So, today I'm trying cleaning therapy to brighten my day.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Retail Therapy & Venting
Last weekend Darling Husband and I went away for a couple of nights to the big city. It was just what I needed. In fact, I asked my RE if it was okay to have a glass of wine since this was a chemical pregnancy coming down, and he said, "Sure! Have three or four if you feel like it." Have I mentioned he's the best (and my favorite) doctor I have ever gone to?
Nothing like a bit of retail therapy to fix up a woman feeling low. Since DH and I have decided to try a 'frozen' cycle* next month, I showed restraint and shopped only the sales racks and picked up jeans and a couple of pretty tops for spring. Unfortunately, my luck struck out when it came to finding shoes. It always feels good to get new clothes that aren't tainted with sad memories. You know, when you see a shirt and it reminds you of old doctors appointments etc.
With spirts high, DH and I decided to go to a small French restaurant for dinner. We ordered a bottle of Burgundy (can't remember the name, but it was very good) and as we were enjoying the wine I spotted the baby. A couple came in with a baby in a carrier. The hostess tried seating them away in a corner far from the other tables, but the couple didn't like the table and insisted on moving closer to everyone else. Of course, the baby was directly in my view from where I was sitting. I thought I was going to lose it...luckily DH offered to switch seats with me and after a few swigs of wine I was alright...until the baby started crying. I must admit that I hate when couples bring small babies to fine restaurants. If DH and I are ever lucky enough to have a baby we will avoid finer dining establishments and stick with the ones where children out-number adults. Besides, a baby in a French restaurant???
Nothing like a bit of retail therapy to fix up a woman feeling low. Since DH and I have decided to try a 'frozen' cycle* next month, I showed restraint and shopped only the sales racks and picked up jeans and a couple of pretty tops for spring. Unfortunately, my luck struck out when it came to finding shoes. It always feels good to get new clothes that aren't tainted with sad memories. You know, when you see a shirt and it reminds you of old doctors appointments etc.
With spirts high, DH and I decided to go to a small French restaurant for dinner. We ordered a bottle of Burgundy (can't remember the name, but it was very good) and as we were enjoying the wine I spotted the baby. A couple came in with a baby in a carrier. The hostess tried seating them away in a corner far from the other tables, but the couple didn't like the table and insisted on moving closer to everyone else. Of course, the baby was directly in my view from where I was sitting. I thought I was going to lose it...luckily DH offered to switch seats with me and after a few swigs of wine I was alright...until the baby started crying. I must admit that I hate when couples bring small babies to fine restaurants. If DH and I are ever lucky enough to have a baby we will avoid finer dining establishments and stick with the ones where children out-number adults. Besides, a baby in a French restaurant???
Friday, March 6, 2009
Over Now
Just got a call from the clinic today and my hcg is 54. Although it has just about doubled in 48hrs, apparently it is not growing fast enough for the doctor and we are to stop the medication tonight. It hasn't hit me yet as I am still confused how two days ago the doctor thought it might be rising slowly and today the number is not viable. DH and I are very confused. I am to go in for more bloodwork in four days. Is there any miracle that this could survive without progesterone? Sadness is hitting me. Think I need some retail therapy as a distraction. Although, if we are doing a frozen cycle after this one I'm not sure if I can afford to buy anything outside the sales racks...
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