Suddenly

Funny how a week ago today I was so happy -- DH and I had gone for an ultrasound prepared for the worst, but surprisingly pleased to see that everything was going well. The doctor even said it looked like a picture in a textbook. The little 'bean' was throbbing and bouncing a bit, but the doctor managed to give us a picture to take home. I didn't dare put it up on our fridge, but instead put in a folder my agenda. I haven't looked at it since and I don't know if I can look at it again.

The next day I started spotting. I had gone for a short walk and felt great; it had been the first morning in weeks where I woke up feeling good. I phoned the clinic to notify them about the spotting and promptly reclined on the sofa. An hour later I went to the bathroom and there I had this sharp pain in my lower back and then I noticed the toilet was full of bright blood. Oh, God. I phoned the clinic to tell them that I was bleeding heavily; someone phoned back to tell me that the doctor had an opening later in the day, and then I phoned DH at work. It was at this point that I noticed the blood on my legs...it had soaked through the pad and through my clothes within a half hour. Oh, God. I spent an hour sitting on the toilet with blood gushing out. I knew that this did not bode well for the pregnancy, but I was beginning to get scared for myself. At this point I had absolutely no pain, so it felt strange to be losing so much blood with no cramping. Luckily DH came home at some point and helped me fix myself up to go to the doctor's office.

We placed a dark brown towel on the car seat before departing. I didn't feel that bad, although the bumps did bother me. After signing in I dashed into the bathroom to notice that I had saturated the two pads I had put on 40 minutes before. Luckily I made it to the waiting room moments before someone came to get us. The next few hours are fuzzy for me. I had a meltdown in the room with the ultrasound when the nurse asked me to undress from the waist down as I was bleeding so much, but I did it. Sitting there with blood dripping down to the floor scraped away any ounce of dignity I had left.

The doctor gently informed us that this may not be good news as he proceeded to give me a vaginal ultrasound. From here, it gets crazy as I saw the sac first and couldn't believe it. What? How could it still be there? The doctor measured everything and said it was at the correct size and had grown in two days and there was cardiac movement. I was stunned that I could be bleeding so much and pass so many clots and it was still there. The doctor mentioned something about a torn/ruptured blood vessel on the placenta. He had another appointment but asked that I rest there to see if the bleeding would slow down.

At that point, I had calmed down thinking that it was still inside of me, although the doctor did call it a threatened miscarriage. A million thoughts went through my head...if I was going to be on strict bedrest then how would I deal with all this bleeding? What was foremost in my head was: when will this bleeding end. While I lay on the table holding DH's hand the blood kept coming out of me in gushes. I asked the doctor about my bleeding concern when he came back to check on me and he replied that it must heal and that some women experience heavy bleeding in pregnancy. Oh, God. But, when I got off the table to clean myself up and get dressed I suddenly felt weak...like I was going to faint. I fell onto the table and asked DH to get someone. This is when it really gets fuzzy for me.

I remember feeling really warm and cold at the same time, which explains the clamminess. The doctor asked if I had fainted and he had a worried look on his face and said that the pregnancy had probably passed. He then did another ultrasound and I could tell before he said anything that there was no longer anything there. I can't really remember the details of what he said -- it was like everything was happening far away from me but I was right there. Then, I had another weak turn and thought I was beginning to pass out on the table -- I felt weak, hot, everything was going gray, I began seeing stars and I could only hear DH calling my name over and over. The doctor took my pulse and blood pressure and said something about the placenta blocking the cervix with blood pooling behind it and thus creating pressure on my cervix. Then I remember him taking out a speculum, warming it with hot water, placing it inside of me and then he 'wiped' my cervix and pulled the clots that were blocking it. All I can remember is that I immediately felt better after he did this. And then the cramping commenced. It took me about an hour to feel well enough to leave. DH brought the car close to the entrance and helped me out.

Thankfully the bleeding subsided later that night and became more like a regular period, although the cramps felt like someone stabbing me with a knife through to my back. A heating pad and a couple of ibuprofen helped with that.

Six days later and I finally feel like myself again, although I'm just beginning to deal with the emotional loss. It happened so suddenly that I could barely cope with what was happening to me physically let alone emotionally. I just knew that I wanted to write it down so I would never forget what happened.

Mama Mia, a Fight

Late yesterday afternoon, while DH was busy doing laundry and making lasagne, I willingly tried to help him on the food front. Of course, he hates it when I try to cook with him as I invariably make comments about how I would do it. Adding more nutmeg to the ricotta cheese than the recipe called for really ticked him off. In my defense, he had added more ricotta than what was in the recipe -- I use a recipe as a guideline, not the rule. Heated words were exchanged and I stormed off to our bedroom only to discover a bed strewn with laundry fresh from the dryer. Mama Mia!!

In retrospect I realize he was only trying to help, but between my freaking out about wrinkled laundry (I hate to iron) and his freaking out about multi-tasking (maybe it's a guy thing) we ended up fighting. Unfortunately, since my parents never fought in front of me while I was growing up, I never learned to fight 'well' and either walk away or begin to cry. And so, I began to cry. Then it felt like my blood was boiling and that made me more upset. It was totally irrational and I couldn't explain why I was upset, but then I couldn't stop.

After I finally did stop crying I was scared to death that I had harmed the pregnancy. I am so emotional lately, but is it possible that my emotional outburst and spike in bp could end my pregnancy? Just feeling really guilty today. I have no pregnancy symptoms except sore breasts and an aversion to red meat. Must remember to stay calm until at least the ultrasound next week.

Double Positive

I went for more bloodwork this morning at the clinic, but I wasn't as nervous waiting for the results because, really, there's nothing I can do at the moment to influence the outcome, and bad news is what I'm used to hearing. So, imagine my shock when I got the phone call and found out it had doubled! I was stunned and couldn't believe the hcg was 151. I have an ultrasound scheduled at the clinic for the second week in February, and no more bloodwork until that time...which freaks me out a bit. You see, four years ago we had a 'spontaneous' pregnancy and I went to my GP and had bloodwork drawn twice, and then I made an appointment with an OB and discovered at my first ultrasound that the pregnancy had stopped growing. Until I see something on the ultrasound I can't believe this actually worked.

I told DH and he is beyond happy that it worked this time and that the beta doubled. The only problem is that he wants to phone his Mother right away and tell her the news. Oh, boy. This is the woman who gushed about DH's friend's baby over Christmas dinner two years ago (and who follows this baby's mother's 'Mommy' blog). I talked him into waiting a couple days until the weekend when he does his weekly call home. Once she finds out she'll be bugging us to move closer to 'home'. Must stay happy...must stay calm.

Positive

Yesterday I went for bloodwork at the clinic to see if the embryos implanted. Waiting for the phone call is torture. I passed the morning by watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' on the dvr. Of course, I cried at the end when they're looking for Cat in the pouring rain and they find the cat and embrace. A few minutes later, after I've wiped the tears and blown my nose, the phone rings. Thanks to caller i.d. on the television I see that it's the clinic. Oh, boy. While composing myself I pick up the phone and hear the news. Oh, my God, it's positive! My hcg was 64. All I could say was "Really?" I've never had the hcg that high. Tomorrow I go for more bloodwork to see if the numbers keep rising. The weird thing is I'm not excited. I know that at this point nothing is guaranteed, so all I can do is cross my fingers, pray, and hope that the numbers keep rising.

Sofa Days, Part Deux

It's been five days since the FET and hanging out on the sofa is highly overrated. Don't get me wrong, I do love watching movies (especially the oldies on TCM), reading magazines/books, going online etc., but I am really getting antsy. It's a hereditary thing that my Mother and sister both suffer from: we can't stay still for very long. I have a feeling that Martha Stewart suffers from this affliction as well. Wish I could lie down and stay that way for hours, but I can't...and I have been off caffeine for over a year. Just a couple days to go until I can go for walks again.

I added a section on the side of this blog listing movies that feature a barren babe and/or couple. Those listed are the ones that I have seen, but I'm sure there are others that I'm not aware of. Please let me know if there are other movies I should add to the list as I, and I'm sure many other barren babes, find comfort in watching them and seeing the characters go through many of the same emotions that DH and I have. Some of the movies have a subtle fertility-challenged tone to them such as 'Beetlejuice' and 'Out of Africa', others like 'Maybe Baby' are all about trying to conceive, while some like 'Penny Serenade' and 'My Blue Heaven' are oldies that show couples adopting. 'Penny Serenade' never fails to make me cry, but then so does 'Immediate Family'.

Sofa Days

The FET was on Thursday morning and I've been spending most of my days on the sofa since that time. DH is off to watch a rugby game and I'm watching some awards show on VH1. I really want a big pot of tea, but not sure if I should risk it all by lifting the kettle as the clinic has me totally paranoid about doing anything strenuous. I am feeling hopeful, although my cousin's sudden death has given me perspective on our situation: life is precious and can be gone in a moment.

Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster

One week to go until our final frozen embryo transfer. I started the new year feeling optimistic that no matter what happens DH and I have each other and we will have a wonderful year and decade. There is a finality to this FET, but I like knowing that this will be our last try before the decision is thrust upon us; a sense of control in the out of control universe that is infertility.

Yes, everything was going smoothly until I increased my estrogen...then my loopy, emotionally unstable personality emerged from hiding. I definitely will not be missing this side of fertility treatment. Yesterday I had a meltdown at a department store: saleswoman was nasty to me, then I had to wait 30 minutes for the seamstress who then told me she couldn't shorten the coat sleeves because they had cuffs. Yes, I was that crazy woman crying in my husband's arms in the winter coats section. The silver lining is that I found an even better coat at Nordstrom's where the saleswoman was super friendly and most helpful. Guess the moral is that I should not be in malls while under the influence of high doses of estrogen.

This morning while waiting for the coffeemaker to brew my decaf the phone rings and I notice it's my parents number. Strange because my Mother never phones in the morning. Never. Something is wrong. I pick up the receiver and she tells me she has bad news. My stomach drops and I bravely ask who it is while thinking which elderly relative it might be. Then she proceeds to tell me it's my 50 year old cousin who dropped dead of a heart attack last night. I was in shock. Although I haven't seen him in a couple of years, he was always slim and in good spirits. He definitely lived life to the fullest, but what we put into life is not alway what we get back from it. Life is unfair and I was a weepy mess this morning. DH had lunch with me and I went to the gym for some therapy on the treadmill -- honestly, 2 miles on the treadmill can get your mind off anything.

This is my life at the moment. I really want to be home with my family at this time, but it's thousands of miles away and we just flew back from there last week, plus I have a FET scheduled for next week. Guess I have to suck it up and be strong...but I really want to sit down and cry.