Saturday night was DH's work Christmas Party, which consisted of a cocktail hour and dinner at a golf club. We were both dreading it for different reasons, but made the effort to get off the sofa and dress-up for the 'free meal'.
DH will normally warn me if there will be a pregnant woman at social functions, so I was surprised when I saw a woman with a pregnant belly arrive. Luckily we were mingling at the other side of the room during cocktail hour, but later found ourselves sitting at their end of the table (it was one long table). I chose to engage in conversation with people on the other side of the table, although I could hear bits of the pregnancy talk that consisted of baby names, cravings/what to eat while pregnant, and general kid stuff. I managed to survive thanks to DH and gin. Meanwhile, I discovered that parents with teenagers enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages and prefer not talking about their kids.
Needless to mention I was a tad cranky when we finished our Christmas cards on Sunday. Then a good friend phoned and wanted me (solo) to join her for dinner the week before Christmas, but this girlfriend really seems to hate doing stuff with us as a couple. I am always surprised since she is single and DH may know of other guys that we could bring along. Anyway, I agreed to meet her for dinner that week and wondered where she wanted to go and she suggested a restaurant in my old 'hood from my single days. I vehemently said no I won't go to that neighborhood anymore because of what it has become: what was once a funky street with antique and consignment stores, and mom&pop shops is now full of trendy baby toy/clothes/furniture shops and Starbucks and the stroller-brigade. I then suggested going for sushi in a funky area near downtown. She was shocked by my bitchiness and lack of Christmas spirit and told me that I should 'get out more'. Ummmmm, my hating the Holidays is tied up with my infertility and she, like most people, does not understand this. I decided not to fight with her, but my inner voice thought 'whatever'. This lack of understanding underlines how isolating infertility can be...especially at Christmas.
This morning DH was hanging out at home a bit longer since he was going directly to the airport for a business trip. We were talking about the Christmas cards and the new address we are waiting for from an old college friend of DH. I then reflected that this friend and his wife (who were married about a year ago) might be good to hang out with since they are in their early forties without children. Surprise, surprise, DH then tells me that the friend's wife is pregnant. Oh, God. Oh, God. My stomach turned sour. The tears began falling down my cheeks upon realizing that we are the only couple without a child within our social circle. The only consolation was that DH told me that he found out the info from Suit Guy when we met up with him the other week for drinks after Christmas shopping. Suit Guy told DH the news when I left to go to the restroom. Suit Guy reasoned that "Life really is unfair if **** can have a baby and you guys can't." At least Suit Guy feels a bit of our pain. (And yes, Suit Guy is a lot like the Barney character from 'How I Met Your Mother', except the women ask him out, and it was interesting -- and strangely comforting -- how they made the Robin character infertile.)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
It's Christmas Time Again
Yes, it's Christmas time again. The time for trimming the tree, singing carols, joy, happiness, and time for families. Maybe it's the emphasis on families, or maybe the loss of two uncles this past year, that is making me feel left out this holiday season. Christmas time is here but it has passed me by.
We have the tree up and decorated, the outside lights have been carefully 'strewn' on the shrubs, presents have been bought, and we're in the process of sending out cards. These rituals are more like chores on a to-do list this year. I do not want to do them but I feel compelled to complete them so no one will think we are lacking in holiday spirit (although we really are).
I finally saw my doctor last week about my missing menstrual cycle (last seen in April) and she ordered blood work and an ultrasound before she can refer me to a gynecologist. But of course Aunt Flow shows up three days later with a vengeance...or maybe it has been so long that I have forgotten how awful it can be. Not sure whether to go ahead and make an appointment for an ultrasound since it appears I am in perimenopause limbo instead of the big M. I mentioned all of this to my Mother who told me that for four or five years before she hit menopause she would have one cycle a year. Fun times ahead.
We have the tree up and decorated, the outside lights have been carefully 'strewn' on the shrubs, presents have been bought, and we're in the process of sending out cards. These rituals are more like chores on a to-do list this year. I do not want to do them but I feel compelled to complete them so no one will think we are lacking in holiday spirit (although we really are).
I finally saw my doctor last week about my missing menstrual cycle (last seen in April) and she ordered blood work and an ultrasound before she can refer me to a gynecologist. But of course Aunt Flow shows up three days later with a vengeance...or maybe it has been so long that I have forgotten how awful it can be. Not sure whether to go ahead and make an appointment for an ultrasound since it appears I am in perimenopause limbo instead of the big M. I mentioned all of this to my Mother who told me that for four or five years before she hit menopause she would have one cycle a year. Fun times ahead.
Friday, October 28, 2011
In a Funk
Since Labour Day weekend I have been in a funk about the whole adoption process. In September we met with another adoption licensee to register with her, and she told us what a 'sweet couple' we were and how she would try and help us find a birthmother. Yeah, we've heard that story before. Then, after we had given her our profile (and registration fee) we cannot reach her for comments for over six weeks. DH thinks the adoption licensees are a racket and I have no words to defend them.
October is the month we were married. With each anniversary comes celebration, but it also highlights what is not there and the years we have been busy trying to create a family. In nine years I truly thought we would have at least two children, but it is what it is. We have each other and we are closer than I ever thought we would be on our wedding day in 2002.
DH and I have begun talking about what ifs and a Plan B. If this adoption thing does not work out for us (no child) what will we do. It gives me hope that there may be new things ahead for us if we do end up childfree. At the moment our Plan B is to eventually buy a lot/property in the countryside and build a bungalow/craftsman/master bedroom on main floor, which seems like a dream to us much like adopting a baby is now. Instead of searching for baby stuff on the internet I have been checking out home design websites like this one.
October is the month we were married. With each anniversary comes celebration, but it also highlights what is not there and the years we have been busy trying to create a family. In nine years I truly thought we would have at least two children, but it is what it is. We have each other and we are closer than I ever thought we would be on our wedding day in 2002.
DH and I have begun talking about what ifs and a Plan B. If this adoption thing does not work out for us (no child) what will we do. It gives me hope that there may be new things ahead for us if we do end up childfree. At the moment our Plan B is to eventually buy a lot/property in the countryside and build a bungalow/craftsman/master bedroom on main floor, which seems like a dream to us much like adopting a baby is now. Instead of searching for baby stuff on the internet I have been checking out home design websites like this one.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Not The Chosen Ones
Three weeks ago DH came home from work and informed me that he had heard back from the adoption agency we had signed up with in July. Our profile had been presented, but the teenage girl and her boyfriend chose another couple as adoptive parents for their baby. Wow. Three weeks later I still feel a sting.
We knew the odds were against us as the birthmother wanted a younger couple, but we let hope creep in and before we knew it we were excited. I know I was anticipating positive results and had started thinking about baby names and even decorating the room next to ours as a nursery. Now I am thinking about making that room into a sewing/craft room.
Three weeks ago reality hit home and brought with it a touch of the blues. Not being chosen brought back ancient memories of past rejections. You know the ones I mean. The ones that befall a geeky teenage girl, like getting picked last for teams in gymn class, or sending a note declaring my admiration to the cool guy a grade ahead of me only to have him not respond because he is in love with my best friend (and will go on to date her throughout our college years). Not being chosen does not get any easier.
We have decided that not being told when our profile is being presented will be easier on us emotionally. Next Tuesday we are meeting with another adoption licensee as we think being with three might increase our chances. At least that is what I thought in July, but now I am not so sure.
We knew the odds were against us as the birthmother wanted a younger couple, but we let hope creep in and before we knew it we were excited. I know I was anticipating positive results and had started thinking about baby names and even decorating the room next to ours as a nursery. Now I am thinking about making that room into a sewing/craft room.
Three weeks ago reality hit home and brought with it a touch of the blues. Not being chosen brought back ancient memories of past rejections. You know the ones I mean. The ones that befall a geeky teenage girl, like getting picked last for teams in gymn class, or sending a note declaring my admiration to the cool guy a grade ahead of me only to have him not respond because he is in love with my best friend (and will go on to date her throughout our college years). Not being chosen does not get any easier.
We have decided that not being told when our profile is being presented will be easier on us emotionally. Next Tuesday we are meeting with another adoption licensee as we think being with three might increase our chances. At least that is what I thought in July, but now I am not so sure.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Moments of Weakness
Dinner last Saturday went well. While drinking a glass of red wine I decided to reveal our adoption plans. Actually I was asked what I had been up to these days and asked DH if I should tell them about our 'project', and then I told them we are thinking of adopting.
The two of them were very excited and happy for us. Then I had to keep reinforcing that even though we are hoping to adopt we may not end up adopting because not many women choose an adoption plan for their babies. We were asked how we came to this decision and then I revealed our previous pregnancy losses...that was difficult and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. She then told me about her own miscarriage a few years before their son was born so she said she could understand our feelings of loss. They asked questions about the adoption process, but I am not sure they quite understood it because they kept asking why we were focusing on 'local' adoption and I was confused.
I was nervous bringing our hopes for adoption out in the open, although the red wine did help. Infertility was glossed over and I just mentioned that we had undergone some fertility treatments that were successful but ended in pregnancy loss. The clinics and fertility treatments are topics I would rather leave in the past and not be required to tell friends in detail. After they left with their little boy I felt a huge sigh of relief because it felt so freeing to tell people this aspect of our life that we had hidden from view. My only hope is that they do not become like my friend A who begins each conversation with "So, anything new with the adoption?" And I must go through the whole process over and over again.
Even though I felt wonderful emotionally this week thanks to opening up about our adoption quest, I did have a moment of weakness today when I was getting groceries. Beginning in the produce section I noticed the young mother with a toddler son and a baby. From that point it was my mission to avoid them, but it seemed like just as soon as I had forgotten about them there they would be coming down the aisle. Then when I was in the baking aisle and there was another mother and her two beautiful toddlers and then the first mother walked by singing to her baby. I looked away as my eyes began to water but I told myself I was NOT going to cry in the grocery store, so I tried to finish the groceries as fast as I could while avoiding these two women and their children. It seems that just when I think I am strong and over sad thoughts that is when I am vulnerable. At least I did not have a meltdown at the grocery store.
The two of them were very excited and happy for us. Then I had to keep reinforcing that even though we are hoping to adopt we may not end up adopting because not many women choose an adoption plan for their babies. We were asked how we came to this decision and then I revealed our previous pregnancy losses...that was difficult and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. She then told me about her own miscarriage a few years before their son was born so she said she could understand our feelings of loss. They asked questions about the adoption process, but I am not sure they quite understood it because they kept asking why we were focusing on 'local' adoption and I was confused.
I was nervous bringing our hopes for adoption out in the open, although the red wine did help. Infertility was glossed over and I just mentioned that we had undergone some fertility treatments that were successful but ended in pregnancy loss. The clinics and fertility treatments are topics I would rather leave in the past and not be required to tell friends in detail. After they left with their little boy I felt a huge sigh of relief because it felt so freeing to tell people this aspect of our life that we had hidden from view. My only hope is that they do not become like my friend A who begins each conversation with "So, anything new with the adoption?" And I must go through the whole process over and over again.
Even though I felt wonderful emotionally this week thanks to opening up about our adoption quest, I did have a moment of weakness today when I was getting groceries. Beginning in the produce section I noticed the young mother with a toddler son and a baby. From that point it was my mission to avoid them, but it seemed like just as soon as I had forgotten about them there they would be coming down the aisle. Then when I was in the baking aisle and there was another mother and her two beautiful toddlers and then the first mother walked by singing to her baby. I looked away as my eyes began to water but I told myself I was NOT going to cry in the grocery store, so I tried to finish the groceries as fast as I could while avoiding these two women and their children. It seems that just when I think I am strong and over sad thoughts that is when I am vulnerable. At least I did not have a meltdown at the grocery store.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
To Know or Not to Know
On Tuesday DH spoke with our contact at the adoption agency we recently signed up with. We sent an updated version of our profile (more action photos) to her last week and had not heard from her. She confirmed that she received our profile and was going to present it to the pregnant teenage girl she spoke to us about a few weeks ago. Um, what?
We have no problem being presented, but we are really confused by this agency's process as we were told that they do NOT notify couples when their profiles are being presented. Perhaps it is because this woman spoke with us in her office regarding our level of acceptance regarding birth mothers alcohol and marijuana intake, and then questioned us whether we are musically inclined. The birth mother wants a couple who are musical (now I am thankful for those four years of piano lessons, and that I moved my Great Grandmother's piano across North America when DH wished to leave it in California). We appear to be this birth mother's ideal couple except she wants a childless couple who are in their early thirties and we are early forties. Our age could be our downfall in this whole private domestic adoption pursuit.
It felt like someone kicked my stomach when DH told me we were going to be presented to this birth mother. Since we know that she wants a younger couple I do not have much faith that we will be chosen. Every now and again I will think of baby names or check cribs online, but then I have to tell myself that we are a long-shot. It makes me wonder whether it is better to know if your profile is being presented, or whether it is better not knowing to relieve the nervousness. I think I would prefer not knowing, although I guess there is the issue of one always wondering if your agency has forgotten about you. At this point I am hoping for the best, but realizing that we may be too old for this particular birth mother.
***************************************************************************************
DH and I are having a couple over for dinner on Saturday that we used to chum around with while we were dating and newly married. We have drifted apart due to our time in the US and the fact that they had a baby two years ago. They had us over for dinner in January and we wanted to wait until our home study was finished before inviting them. I am also feeling emotionally stronger regarding others with babies and it will be good for us to maintain friendships with couples that have children even if we never do. Must admit that it may be difficult, and I am really scared in case they have a pregnancy announcement (as it took them a long time to confirm a date with us), so I am mentally preparing myself for one. Also, we are prepared to be open and possibly share our hopes for adopting, but I am not prepared to go into our medical history of infertility...of course, after a few glasses of red wine who knows what might come out of my mouth. Hopefully I will get the first floor of our house child proofed before their arrival. Should be interesting.
We have no problem being presented, but we are really confused by this agency's process as we were told that they do NOT notify couples when their profiles are being presented. Perhaps it is because this woman spoke with us in her office regarding our level of acceptance regarding birth mothers alcohol and marijuana intake, and then questioned us whether we are musically inclined. The birth mother wants a couple who are musical (now I am thankful for those four years of piano lessons, and that I moved my Great Grandmother's piano across North America when DH wished to leave it in California). We appear to be this birth mother's ideal couple except she wants a childless couple who are in their early thirties and we are early forties. Our age could be our downfall in this whole private domestic adoption pursuit.
It felt like someone kicked my stomach when DH told me we were going to be presented to this birth mother. Since we know that she wants a younger couple I do not have much faith that we will be chosen. Every now and again I will think of baby names or check cribs online, but then I have to tell myself that we are a long-shot. It makes me wonder whether it is better to know if your profile is being presented, or whether it is better not knowing to relieve the nervousness. I think I would prefer not knowing, although I guess there is the issue of one always wondering if your agency has forgotten about you. At this point I am hoping for the best, but realizing that we may be too old for this particular birth mother.
***************************************************************************************
DH and I are having a couple over for dinner on Saturday that we used to chum around with while we were dating and newly married. We have drifted apart due to our time in the US and the fact that they had a baby two years ago. They had us over for dinner in January and we wanted to wait until our home study was finished before inviting them. I am also feeling emotionally stronger regarding others with babies and it will be good for us to maintain friendships with couples that have children even if we never do. Must admit that it may be difficult, and I am really scared in case they have a pregnancy announcement (as it took them a long time to confirm a date with us), so I am mentally preparing myself for one. Also, we are prepared to be open and possibly share our hopes for adopting, but I am not prepared to go into our medical history of infertility...of course, after a few glasses of red wine who knows what might come out of my mouth. Hopefully I will get the first floor of our house child proofed before their arrival. Should be interesting.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Whirlwind
It's been so long since the last time I posted that I forgot my password and had to reset it. June and July have been busy.
The first week of June another uncle died. As life goes, we had agreed to host DH's buddy from Vancouver for a couple of days around this same time. DH offered to cancel but I knew his friend had been driving across the U.S. and Canada on his motorcycle and probably would like to stay in a house and not a tent or motel. The whole wake and funeral made me unglued with grief and my Mother was totally shocked losing two brothers in four weeks. I've been trying to phone and visit more often this summer.
Around this same time in June our social worker finally finished our homestudy, and we had our last visit with her after we got back from California. Oh, yeah, we were on the west coast for 10 days and got back a couple of days before Canada Day and shared a flight from Chicago with some reporters from Sky News who were on their way to cover the royal tour. DH had work meetings in Californa and I joined him and then we took a few days and went to Sonoma and then down to Carmel/Big Sur. Lots of shopping, wine tasting, and relaxing.
We had an awesome Canada Day as it was our first time celebrating back in Canada since 2005. Spent the afternoon hanging out at a pub in Ottawa with DH's old friend Suit Guy, who shocked us by not wearing a suit. My friend A joined us for dinner and we headed to the War Memorial to see the fireworks. DH and Suit Guy managed to embarass us as they drunkenly wielded toy light sabres on the way back to the pub. Luckily we crashed at Suit Guy's place so no driving home that night. (On a side note, Suit Guy is such a character that DH and I are thinking of starting a blog/website for him. The latest is that he was ticked off when a young woman at a bar approached him and told him how much he looked like Anderson Cooper...not sure why this would upset him, but that's Suit Guy.)
Back to adoption news. The first week of July we found out that the Big Adoption Agency had openings for the Vietnam wait list, so we are now on a 'call-back' list for this program. Honestly, I am still confused by the process because it may be six months to a year until we receive a call about getting our 'dossier' together and sending it, and from there it could be two years. DH and I decided that there's no harm in being on a wait list while we pursue a domestic adoption.
We have visited and signed with one adoption agency and one adoption licensee. It was wonderful to receive feedback on the profile we have been working on for the past couple of months. Surprisingly (or maybe not) each wants different changes made to the profle, so it looks like we need two different profiles. One wants more photos of family/friends and more talk of 'openness' regarding the adoption, while the other wants more action photos. One woman spoke about a pregnant teenager who had recently contacted her, but she told us that we are over the age range that the girl requested (30-35). Yikes. I told this to my friend A and she compared it to online dating and how subjective it is regarding age, race, financial status, looks, interests etc. Online dating sites can't guarantee you'll meet someone you'll fall in love with, and adoption agencies can't gurantee that you'll be chosen by a birth mother.
DH and I have agreed we will give the domestic adoption route a year and see what happens with it and we will also see what happens with the international adoption route. At the moment we still have to make changes to the other profile, but I am feeling too burnt out at the moment to even look at it.
The first week of June another uncle died. As life goes, we had agreed to host DH's buddy from Vancouver for a couple of days around this same time. DH offered to cancel but I knew his friend had been driving across the U.S. and Canada on his motorcycle and probably would like to stay in a house and not a tent or motel. The whole wake and funeral made me unglued with grief and my Mother was totally shocked losing two brothers in four weeks. I've been trying to phone and visit more often this summer.
Around this same time in June our social worker finally finished our homestudy, and we had our last visit with her after we got back from California. Oh, yeah, we were on the west coast for 10 days and got back a couple of days before Canada Day and shared a flight from Chicago with some reporters from Sky News who were on their way to cover the royal tour. DH had work meetings in Californa and I joined him and then we took a few days and went to Sonoma and then down to Carmel/Big Sur. Lots of shopping, wine tasting, and relaxing.
We had an awesome Canada Day as it was our first time celebrating back in Canada since 2005. Spent the afternoon hanging out at a pub in Ottawa with DH's old friend Suit Guy, who shocked us by not wearing a suit. My friend A joined us for dinner and we headed to the War Memorial to see the fireworks. DH and Suit Guy managed to embarass us as they drunkenly wielded toy light sabres on the way back to the pub. Luckily we crashed at Suit Guy's place so no driving home that night. (On a side note, Suit Guy is such a character that DH and I are thinking of starting a blog/website for him. The latest is that he was ticked off when a young woman at a bar approached him and told him how much he looked like Anderson Cooper...not sure why this would upset him, but that's Suit Guy.)
Back to adoption news. The first week of July we found out that the Big Adoption Agency had openings for the Vietnam wait list, so we are now on a 'call-back' list for this program. Honestly, I am still confused by the process because it may be six months to a year until we receive a call about getting our 'dossier' together and sending it, and from there it could be two years. DH and I decided that there's no harm in being on a wait list while we pursue a domestic adoption.
We have visited and signed with one adoption agency and one adoption licensee. It was wonderful to receive feedback on the profile we have been working on for the past couple of months. Surprisingly (or maybe not) each wants different changes made to the profle, so it looks like we need two different profiles. One wants more photos of family/friends and more talk of 'openness' regarding the adoption, while the other wants more action photos. One woman spoke about a pregnant teenager who had recently contacted her, but she told us that we are over the age range that the girl requested (30-35). Yikes. I told this to my friend A and she compared it to online dating and how subjective it is regarding age, race, financial status, looks, interests etc. Online dating sites can't guarantee you'll meet someone you'll fall in love with, and adoption agencies can't gurantee that you'll be chosen by a birth mother.
DH and I have agreed we will give the domestic adoption route a year and see what happens with it and we will also see what happens with the international adoption route. At the moment we still have to make changes to the other profile, but I am feeling too burnt out at the moment to even look at it.
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