December is the cruellest month...at least for Barren Babes. The month is full of gatherings between family and friends, which opens up the possibility for catching up on those you haven't seen in years. With this comes news of pregnancies and birth announcements. So far, for this Barren Babe, the score is: three pregnancies and one birth announcement. Of course, there's still a week left in December so one never knows...
Will write about my mini pre-Christmas 'breakdown' when I'm back home and not blogging at my in-laws. Yes, December is the cruellest month for Barren Babes as we attempt to receive these announcements with courage and grace while keeping our pain and broken hearts hidden away. Chins up. Be strong.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Mother Dearest
I should have known better than to have confided in my Mother about our upcoming treatment in January, but she seemed so supportive in previous calls. We actually bonded a bit over my pre-hypertension blood pressure -- as she battles high bp -- and chatted about the dullnes of a low-sodium diet and eating lots of potassium rich foods.
When I spoke with her about going on bcp for the upcoming treatment today she got a bit, well, weird. She started grilling me. Then she asked if this is what we really wanted and if I knew what I was getting myself into. Ummm, yes, Mother, that's why we've sunk tens of thousands of dollars in treatment. (Okay, I didn't actually tell her this, but one would think this would be obvious.) Then she proceeded to tell me that babies cry all the time and you have to get up at night and feed them, and was I ready for that? Jeez, my Mother is treating me like I'm 18 and trying to conceive. Yes, babies cry and wake you up but usually that's for the first four months, right? Plus, I have been waiting to hear a baby cry for six years and I will remind myself of this each time I get the honor of waking up to feed it, that is if I get the chance to have one myself.
After the call I turned to cleaning therapy and got all my frustrations out on the vacuum. Then I went to the gym and now I'm blogging. Starting to feel better, but unfortunately I was reminded that I cannot count on Mother Dearest for any emotional support. She wasn't there for me before and she won't be there for me in the future. I do love her, but unfortunately I cannot count on her. Not sure what disappoints me more, her lack of emotional support or my foolishness in thinking that maybe this time I just might be able to count on it from her.
Now I must prepare myself for the next couple of weeks at home with her this Christmas. Perhaps I should start building up the walls again to protect my feelings and definitely pack the journal.
When I spoke with her about going on bcp for the upcoming treatment today she got a bit, well, weird. She started grilling me. Then she asked if this is what we really wanted and if I knew what I was getting myself into. Ummm, yes, Mother, that's why we've sunk tens of thousands of dollars in treatment. (Okay, I didn't actually tell her this, but one would think this would be obvious.) Then she proceeded to tell me that babies cry all the time and you have to get up at night and feed them, and was I ready for that? Jeez, my Mother is treating me like I'm 18 and trying to conceive. Yes, babies cry and wake you up but usually that's for the first four months, right? Plus, I have been waiting to hear a baby cry for six years and I will remind myself of this each time I get the honor of waking up to feed it, that is if I get the chance to have one myself.
After the call I turned to cleaning therapy and got all my frustrations out on the vacuum. Then I went to the gym and now I'm blogging. Starting to feel better, but unfortunately I was reminded that I cannot count on Mother Dearest for any emotional support. She wasn't there for me before and she won't be there for me in the future. I do love her, but unfortunately I cannot count on her. Not sure what disappoints me more, her lack of emotional support or my foolishness in thinking that maybe this time I just might be able to count on it from her.
Now I must prepare myself for the next couple of weeks at home with her this Christmas. Perhaps I should start building up the walls again to protect my feelings and definitely pack the journal.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Less News Feature on Facebook Rocks
I must send a special thank you to reader katedaphne who commented on my Facebook lament. Thank you for letting me know about the Less News option. I've just used it on a couple of acquaintances. One is especially annoying since her baby was born a couple of months ago. This person posts a new picture and/or update on her baby everyday and it's getting really tiresome and annoying for this Barren Babe. Happily, I think I'll be getting less of these in the News Feed. Thanks katedaphne!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
High BP...Who Me?
Yesterday Darling Husband and I made our way to the clinic so the doctor could give me an exam. You know...the kind that involves a speculum. Like other women, I dread it. It could be because I have had quite a few crappy docs that couldn't figure 'me' out because I have a retroverted uterus and have used the wrong size instrument. Ouch...it hurts just remembering.
Need I mention that I was anxious going into the examination room and had to run to the restroom. Anyway, I completely forgot that the nurse had to take the usual vitals: weight, pulse, blood pressure. Not happy with my weight situation as I've been working out for six weeks and I have not dropped any pounds -- apparently muscle weighs more than fat, so I guess it's equalizing at the moment...That's my weird logic. Pulse was fine, but then there was the blood pressure. Apparently my blood pressure was quite high. I reasoned that it was my 'white coat' anxiety.
High blood pressure runs in my family, although it's not something that I really wanted to inherit. Guess I really do take after my Mother and her side of the family. The doctor took my blood pressure before I left and it had come down, but not low enough...So, now I must find a GP (another fun thing about relocating) and see if I can get this BP lower.
Need I mention that I was anxious going into the examination room and had to run to the restroom. Anyway, I completely forgot that the nurse had to take the usual vitals: weight, pulse, blood pressure. Not happy with my weight situation as I've been working out for six weeks and I have not dropped any pounds -- apparently muscle weighs more than fat, so I guess it's equalizing at the moment...That's my weird logic. Pulse was fine, but then there was the blood pressure. Apparently my blood pressure was quite high. I reasoned that it was my 'white coat' anxiety.
High blood pressure runs in my family, although it's not something that I really wanted to inherit. Guess I really do take after my Mother and her side of the family. The doctor took my blood pressure before I left and it had come down, but not low enough...So, now I must find a GP (another fun thing about relocating) and see if I can get this BP lower.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Learning to Bite My Tongue
Just a few days ago I finally dragged myself to a hair stylist to have my roots taken care of. One of the annoying aspects of relocating is searching for a new stylist that is talented and somewhat close to where we live. Well, I've found someone close to where we live, but as for the talent...did I mention she is close to where we live?
The new stylist was great with the color, but the cut was scary as her English is not the best so communication was tricky. Luckily I had brought a photo from a magazine to give her an idea, so it was somewhat similar to what I wanted.
Hair styling aside, I got the usual question, "Do you have children?" Hmmm...yes, it's not my favourite question, in fact I hate it, but at least I don't breakdown when asked now. I kept my chin up and said no, but that my Darling Husband and I were trying. Then I was asked how long. I replied six years. Surprise, surprise I received 'advice' that I don't really believe works. You know the one, I know someone who was trying for 13 years and 'just got pregnant'. Yeah, right.... Then to top it all off, I received the infamous, most annoying advice ever given to any woman suffering from infertility, "Just relax!" Argghhhh!! "You're going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks, you never know what may happen while you're away! hahahah" I just smiled politely and nodded. Honestly, I just don't have the time or patience to deal with people who have no understanding of the medical reasons behind infertility. Now I need to find myself a gay male hair stylist...
The new stylist was great with the color, but the cut was scary as her English is not the best so communication was tricky. Luckily I had brought a photo from a magazine to give her an idea, so it was somewhat similar to what I wanted.
Hair styling aside, I got the usual question, "Do you have children?" Hmmm...yes, it's not my favourite question, in fact I hate it, but at least I don't breakdown when asked now. I kept my chin up and said no, but that my Darling Husband and I were trying. Then I was asked how long. I replied six years. Surprise, surprise I received 'advice' that I don't really believe works. You know the one, I know someone who was trying for 13 years and 'just got pregnant'. Yeah, right.... Then to top it all off, I received the infamous, most annoying advice ever given to any woman suffering from infertility, "Just relax!" Argghhhh!! "You're going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks, you never know what may happen while you're away! hahahah" I just smiled politely and nodded. Honestly, I just don't have the time or patience to deal with people who have no understanding of the medical reasons behind infertility. Now I need to find myself a gay male hair stylist...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Fertilty Clinic Frustration
Today is the day I decided to try again. More specifically, to try getting on the fertility clinic/ART merry-go-round again. After doing some internet searches on doctors I made the pick. Discussed it with Darling Husband and we agreed to meet with the 'white coat men' (aka Reproductive Endocrinologists).
So, I picked up the phone and called the number on the clinic's website to set up an appointment as a new patient. I was put through to the person that coordinates new patients. Unfortunately, I did not get to speak to a 'live' person and was put through to voice mail. I hate voice mail and answering machines, but I did leave a message stating my name and phone number three times.
It's been almost two hours and I haven't heard from this person. Have I mentioned that it drives me nuts when people don't return phone calls? After dumping my frustrations on Darling Husband, he suggested that the person probably wasn't at work today and they'll phone me tomorrow. Well, I'll wait until tomorrow and I'll try phoning again. This is the part that I hate most of all about relocating: trying to find new doctors and/or specialists. Guess I have to be stronger and more patient...But it is frustrating when today I am ready to try again...I want to get the ball rolling...I want to set up an appointment.
So, I picked up the phone and called the number on the clinic's website to set up an appointment as a new patient. I was put through to the person that coordinates new patients. Unfortunately, I did not get to speak to a 'live' person and was put through to voice mail. I hate voice mail and answering machines, but I did leave a message stating my name and phone number three times.
It's been almost two hours and I haven't heard from this person. Have I mentioned that it drives me nuts when people don't return phone calls? After dumping my frustrations on Darling Husband, he suggested that the person probably wasn't at work today and they'll phone me tomorrow. Well, I'll wait until tomorrow and I'll try phoning again. This is the part that I hate most of all about relocating: trying to find new doctors and/or specialists. Guess I have to be stronger and more patient...But it is frustrating when today I am ready to try again...I want to get the ball rolling...I want to set up an appointment.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Avoiding Facebook...Again
Happened to log on to Facebook the other day and was bombarded with baby photos. An acquaintance on my friends list just had a baby and excitedly posted a dozen photos of the newborn. While I am happy for the couple and their new baby, I really don't need to see all these photos of a 'fresh' (yes, just minutes old with blood and other stuff I can't describe still clinging to it) newborn staring at me when I go on Facebook. So, I think I'll be taking a break from Facebook for the next week...or, until I can bear to see more baby stuff.
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