The past couple of weeks since we moved have been crazy. We still haven't unpacked all the moving boxes as the movers only unpacked our china and dishes, and so we are living in-between boxes -- empty and full. In-between feeling settled in a home and living in a new house. It's ours, but it doesn't feel like 'home' yet, if that makes any sense.
Strangely, this in-between feeling is familiar. It's the world DH and I have been living in since we first started trying to conceive eight years ago. We want to be a family with children, and everyone around us is having children, but we're not there yet. Our married life has been about living on the periphery of what our friends/family have achieved, and almost getting it but having it 'snatched' away with each pregnancy loss.
As we enter the world of adoption I think this in-between life will continue until we have the adoption papers signed. There is a multitude of tasks we must check off before that point and it feels like we're about to climb Mt. Everest.
The workshop we attended last weekend opened our eyes to just how 'open' an adoption can be (bit scary for newbies). We also realized how far behind we were compared to most of the couples in attendance: the majority have completed their home studies and PRIDE training. I had to ask the couple we were seated with what PRIDE training is. It stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education, and the province of Ontario requires this training for all adoptive parents before the home study can be signed off by the adoption practitioner/social worker. Guess we need to find an adoption practitioner/social worker, but we've got an information session at an international adoption agency this week so maybe they'll be able to recommend someone.
Looks like we'll keep living this in-between life of unpacking and getting settled as we begin our adoption journey. Hope we can get unpacked and make our house feel like a home before the home study starts.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Lily Allen
I survived October! Thank God it's over. I'm still unpacking boxes and probably will be for the next three weeks. Looking forward to the open-adoption workshop this Saturday -- guess I should think of some questions.
Yesterday, I was saddened to read online about singer Lily Allen's miscarriage at six months (is it a miscarriage that late or a stillbirth?), and then the article referred to her previous miscarriage that ocurred just over two years ago. Oh, God...I had a meltdown after reading about her tragic loss as it brought back a wave of memories of my own miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. I hope that people will become more open about miscarriages and realize that it's not a taboo subject to be avoided. If more women were open about miscarriage then it would take away the feelings of isolation and -- at least this is how I felt -- failure. A month ago I believe that Giuliana Rancic came forward with her miscarriage story on 'The View' (I missed it...it was my due date) and I applaud her for her candidness. Here's a great story 'The Lonely Pain of Miscarriage' from The Guardian by Cathryn Scott. Nothing is lonelier than miscarriage.
Yesterday, I was saddened to read online about singer Lily Allen's miscarriage at six months (is it a miscarriage that late or a stillbirth?), and then the article referred to her previous miscarriage that ocurred just over two years ago. Oh, God...I had a meltdown after reading about her tragic loss as it brought back a wave of memories of my own miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. I hope that people will become more open about miscarriages and realize that it's not a taboo subject to be avoided. If more women were open about miscarriage then it would take away the feelings of isolation and -- at least this is how I felt -- failure. A month ago I believe that Giuliana Rancic came forward with her miscarriage story on 'The View' (I missed it...it was my due date) and I applaud her for her candidness. Here's a great story 'The Lonely Pain of Miscarriage' from The Guardian by Cathryn Scott. Nothing is lonelier than miscarriage.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Help Me Make It Through October
It's October 28th and I thought I had made it through October (moving month) somewhat unscathed. Earlier in the month I had mini-meltdowns around what would've been my due date. I would lock myself in the bathroom and have a quick cry like Holly Hunter's character in the movie 'Broadcast News', and then feel better for a little while. But, moving in the middle of all this emotional stuff is tough, and suppressing feelings is not healthy.
Also added to this mix is our wedding anniversary (8 years) and my birthday, plus a diagnosis of eustachian tube dysfunction (not deadly, just a constant earache) and a little bladder infection as a cherry on top. I was on so much medication when the movers packed our stuff that I really felt no stress...or much of anything for that matter. We spent a few days at a bed and breakfast before flying back to Canada, and then the last four nights we have camped out at our new place sleeping on an air mattress. Needless to say we were ecstatic to get our furniture and stuff today.
The house doesn't quite feel like a home with all the boxes piled around our furniture, but I was so excited after the movers left. I was busily trying to put stuff in its place later in the afternoon (as my parents are coming over tomorrow for my birthday) when DH pulled me aside and said he had something to tell me. He looked uncomfortable and grim, so I asked who was pregnant. 'Not pregnant, but something else," he replied. Oh...one of his contractors at work (someone he deals with frequently over the phone/email) just had a baby...well, his wife had one...three weeks ago....around the time of what would have been my due date. Yes, I had a meltdown. A major meltdown. Why did he have to tell me the night before my birthday. I love DH, but his timing sucks...he then admitted that he forgot it's my birthday tomorrow....He knows, but he just forgot when he told me the baby news...then he admitted how difficult it is to hear this guy go on and on about a new baby. Sometimes people are self-involved and don't have a clue how to put two and two together and figure out that maybe DH and I have had problems conceiving, and just assume that we don't want children.
Oh, God, now 'Up' is on television. Must have another good cry before my head hits the pillow. Here's hoping I make it through the next few days until we say goodbye to another October.
Also added to this mix is our wedding anniversary (8 years) and my birthday, plus a diagnosis of eustachian tube dysfunction (not deadly, just a constant earache) and a little bladder infection as a cherry on top. I was on so much medication when the movers packed our stuff that I really felt no stress...or much of anything for that matter. We spent a few days at a bed and breakfast before flying back to Canada, and then the last four nights we have camped out at our new place sleeping on an air mattress. Needless to say we were ecstatic to get our furniture and stuff today.
The house doesn't quite feel like a home with all the boxes piled around our furniture, but I was so excited after the movers left. I was busily trying to put stuff in its place later in the afternoon (as my parents are coming over tomorrow for my birthday) when DH pulled me aside and said he had something to tell me. He looked uncomfortable and grim, so I asked who was pregnant. 'Not pregnant, but something else," he replied. Oh...one of his contractors at work (someone he deals with frequently over the phone/email) just had a baby...well, his wife had one...three weeks ago....around the time of what would have been my due date. Yes, I had a meltdown. A major meltdown. Why did he have to tell me the night before my birthday. I love DH, but his timing sucks...he then admitted that he forgot it's my birthday tomorrow....He knows, but he just forgot when he told me the baby news...then he admitted how difficult it is to hear this guy go on and on about a new baby. Sometimes people are self-involved and don't have a clue how to put two and two together and figure out that maybe DH and I have had problems conceiving, and just assume that we don't want children.
Oh, God, now 'Up' is on television. Must have another good cry before my head hits the pillow. Here's hoping I make it through the next few days until we say goodbye to another October.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Closing Day Approaches
I don't know what I was thinking when we decided to buy a house in July. The plan was to go and check out houses and go back at Christmas to look again. But, we found one we both loved and decided to be crazy and buy it. Don't get me wrong, I still love it and I am excited with the thought of living there, but we have had a lot of stuff to deal with this year: a miscarriage in February and our last FET in June.
This month has been difficult for me as (what would have been) my due date fast approaches. Thoughts about being pregnant and what might have been keep surfacing and I find myself tearing up at odd times. I try not to cry in DH's presence and end up in the bathroom wiping tears with toilet paper. DH has been stressed dealing with moving companies, as well as the bank back in Canada regarding our mortgage, so I don't want to burden him with my sadness. Once I am past the first couple of weeks in October I will be better, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
What has helped me lately is the cathartic process of decluttering -- getting rid of stuff/junk we do not need. It really is a freeing process, and one which DH had difficulty with. After a couple of disagreements/fights, he agreed to part with an Ikea bookcase he's had for 20 years (and it did show its age) as well as photography magazines dating back to 1987. He finally realized that it really is just stuff, and that we have to get rid of the old stuff in order to begin again. I have also taken some of the books I have collected about optimizing fertility and trying to get pregnant to a second-hand bookstore -- no sense moving those again, especially the Taking Charge of Your Ferility book. A new beginning awaits us.
Once I pass the due date I will feel better (this is my new mantra), but why does moving thousands of miles have to be so difficult and stressful? We will get through this. Once we have moved, and our stuff has arrived safely, then I will allow myself a good cry. Until that time I must be strong and get through this.
This month has been difficult for me as (what would have been) my due date fast approaches. Thoughts about being pregnant and what might have been keep surfacing and I find myself tearing up at odd times. I try not to cry in DH's presence and end up in the bathroom wiping tears with toilet paper. DH has been stressed dealing with moving companies, as well as the bank back in Canada regarding our mortgage, so I don't want to burden him with my sadness. Once I am past the first couple of weeks in October I will be better, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
What has helped me lately is the cathartic process of decluttering -- getting rid of stuff/junk we do not need. It really is a freeing process, and one which DH had difficulty with. After a couple of disagreements/fights, he agreed to part with an Ikea bookcase he's had for 20 years (and it did show its age) as well as photography magazines dating back to 1987. He finally realized that it really is just stuff, and that we have to get rid of the old stuff in order to begin again. I have also taken some of the books I have collected about optimizing fertility and trying to get pregnant to a second-hand bookstore -- no sense moving those again, especially the Taking Charge of Your Ferility book. A new beginning awaits us.
Once I pass the due date I will feel better (this is my new mantra), but why does moving thousands of miles have to be so difficult and stressful? We will get through this. Once we have moved, and our stuff has arrived safely, then I will allow myself a good cry. Until that time I must be strong and get through this.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
HRT Rocks
It will be two weeks tomorrow since my appointment with the gynecologist. The appointment itself got off to a rocky start when I had to wait for an hour to see the doctor, who excused her tardiness by exclaiming that "she's had all these pregnant women today!" Oh, boy. Yep, the tears started and I had a meltdown when I had to give her my history of prior lost pregnancies because it never gets easier talking about them -- especially after spending 45 minutes surrounded by pregnant bellies.
The doctor was skeptical that I am in menopause and thinks that all the lupron has suppressed my ovaries from functioning properly. I explained that the first RE I saw in Canada predicted that I would begin menopause in my early forties due to my high FSH. She was hesitant about prescribing hormones, but I told her I was through with trying to conceive, and I pleaded my case about hot flashes, mood swings, belly weight gain, insomnia, and the stuff nobody talks about: low libido and vaginal dryness. I'm only 41 and I'm not ready for all this stuff. When I told her about being on estrogen patches during the embryo transfer protocol and how amazing I felt, she chuckled and said, "of course you did! You were on estrogen!" She told me she could write me a prescription for a low-dose patch and that I would also have to go on a low-dose progesterone so my lining wouldn't build up too much.
Since it has been two years since my last pap smear I also had one of those. In the past I have suffered through some horrible ones and was surprised at how pain free this one was and complimented the doctor who told me it's probably because of all the fertility treatments I've had. Guess that's a hidden benefit.
The doctor was okay, but since I'm moving I don't have time to find another one. Plus, I'll have to find one back in Canada (hopefully I'll be able to get a family doctor first). I will definitely look for a doctor fresh out of med school since my current GP graduated three years ago and she's awesome. Plus, when I mentioned to the gynecologist (50ish) about pursuing adoption she asked what country was I looking at? I told her I was looking into private adoption in Canada and she seemed surprised, whereas my family doctor had told me that she had helped a handful of patients adopt.
The hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has been wonderful. I feel like myself again. No more PMS-like mood swings and the libido is back. The only thing it doesn't quite solve (so far) are hot flashes, which I still get although not as frequently and not as severe. I am paranoid about breast cancer so I'm checking everyday. Maybe I'm being too paranoid, but I noticed a rash/chafing around my nipple and I'm not sure if this is abnormal or from exercising.
I feel normal and have energy again. For the next couple of months I'm really going to need that energy to get me through our move across the continent.
The doctor was skeptical that I am in menopause and thinks that all the lupron has suppressed my ovaries from functioning properly. I explained that the first RE I saw in Canada predicted that I would begin menopause in my early forties due to my high FSH. She was hesitant about prescribing hormones, but I told her I was through with trying to conceive, and I pleaded my case about hot flashes, mood swings, belly weight gain, insomnia, and the stuff nobody talks about: low libido and vaginal dryness. I'm only 41 and I'm not ready for all this stuff. When I told her about being on estrogen patches during the embryo transfer protocol and how amazing I felt, she chuckled and said, "of course you did! You were on estrogen!" She told me she could write me a prescription for a low-dose patch and that I would also have to go on a low-dose progesterone so my lining wouldn't build up too much.
Since it has been two years since my last pap smear I also had one of those. In the past I have suffered through some horrible ones and was surprised at how pain free this one was and complimented the doctor who told me it's probably because of all the fertility treatments I've had. Guess that's a hidden benefit.
The doctor was okay, but since I'm moving I don't have time to find another one. Plus, I'll have to find one back in Canada (hopefully I'll be able to get a family doctor first). I will definitely look for a doctor fresh out of med school since my current GP graduated three years ago and she's awesome. Plus, when I mentioned to the gynecologist (50ish) about pursuing adoption she asked what country was I looking at? I told her I was looking into private adoption in Canada and she seemed surprised, whereas my family doctor had told me that she had helped a handful of patients adopt.
The hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has been wonderful. I feel like myself again. No more PMS-like mood swings and the libido is back. The only thing it doesn't quite solve (so far) are hot flashes, which I still get although not as frequently and not as severe. I am paranoid about breast cancer so I'm checking everyday. Maybe I'm being too paranoid, but I noticed a rash/chafing around my nipple and I'm not sure if this is abnormal or from exercising.
I feel normal and have energy again. For the next couple of months I'm really going to need that energy to get me through our move across the continent.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
TTFN Aunt Flo
Aunt Flo is about a month overdue. Usually I dread the monthly visits, but now I long for the arrival.
I tried a home pregnancy test two weeks ago (ok, I was really optimistic for a week before that) and it was a big fat negative. Then I began noticing these strange hot flashes that would randomly occur during the day and some nights I would wake up in a sweat. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist and she advised me to make an appointment with my doctor as it might be a change in hormones. Oh, boy.
A week ago today I went to my doctor and told her my story; the whole story of the embryo transfers and the pregnancy losses -- that's when I had a mini meltdown and shed a couple of tears. She asked if we were going to continue with the fertility treatment and I said that was it. I told her we are looking into adoption and she was really supportive. She also told me that she has helped five of her patients adopt. Guess I never thought about doctors acting as liaison between patients want to adopt and patients who want to give up their baby for adoption. I must remember this when we move back to Canada.
She told me she wanted bloodwork drawn to see if I might be pregnant or if my hormones are crazy, and if I might be going into early menopause. Yikes. I replied that if I was going into early menopause then I wanted hormone replacement. So, I got the bloodwork drawn and the results came back: my estrogen is low and my FSH is 53! Agggh! I'm only 41! Yes, I am in early menopause. Oh, boy. Luckily I had an appointment for acupuncture later that day and that calmed me down. My acupuncturist pointed out through my tears that at least I have taken action and I am doing something about it.
I made an appointment with a gynecologist (who my doctor referred me to) for this Thursday. Hopefully she will tell me all about early menopause and hormone replacement therapy because I am freaked out about the negative impact of low estrogen on my body. So, I guess this may be good bye for Aunt Flo and me.
I tried a home pregnancy test two weeks ago (ok, I was really optimistic for a week before that) and it was a big fat negative. Then I began noticing these strange hot flashes that would randomly occur during the day and some nights I would wake up in a sweat. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist and she advised me to make an appointment with my doctor as it might be a change in hormones. Oh, boy.
A week ago today I went to my doctor and told her my story; the whole story of the embryo transfers and the pregnancy losses -- that's when I had a mini meltdown and shed a couple of tears. She asked if we were going to continue with the fertility treatment and I said that was it. I told her we are looking into adoption and she was really supportive. She also told me that she has helped five of her patients adopt. Guess I never thought about doctors acting as liaison between patients want to adopt and patients who want to give up their baby for adoption. I must remember this when we move back to Canada.
She told me she wanted bloodwork drawn to see if I might be pregnant or if my hormones are crazy, and if I might be going into early menopause. Yikes. I replied that if I was going into early menopause then I wanted hormone replacement. So, I got the bloodwork drawn and the results came back: my estrogen is low and my FSH is 53! Agggh! I'm only 41! Yes, I am in early menopause. Oh, boy. Luckily I had an appointment for acupuncture later that day and that calmed me down. My acupuncturist pointed out through my tears that at least I have taken action and I am doing something about it.
I made an appointment with a gynecologist (who my doctor referred me to) for this Thursday. Hopefully she will tell me all about early menopause and hormone replacement therapy because I am freaked out about the negative impact of low estrogen on my body. So, I guess this may be good bye for Aunt Flo and me.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Unwanted Advice
This morning I went to get the hair refreshed with more highlights and a cut. My stylist is an amazing colorist, her cutting and styling are okay, but her advice and comments on my life are unwanted.
While I was sitting in the chair with foil sprouting out of my head like a giant sprocket, I told her about DH and I moving back to Canada and the house we just bought (thought I'd warn her that I won't be a client in a few months). She didn't understand why we bought a four bedroom house and I explained that three bedroom homes are difficult to find in the neighborhood we looked at (her English is not the best). I decided to mention that we're thinking about adopting and that is one of our reasons for moving back to Canada. Then she gave me a quizzical look and asked, "You want to adopt? Really? How old are you?" Gulp. I told her my age (41), and she told me I was too old to adopt (gee, as if I hadn't already thought of that) and that I wouldn't want a child when I should be thinking of retirement (gee, how supportive!). I was speechless and I bit my tongue...then I asked her how old she was when she had her youngest: 39. It was then that I realized that she was transferring some of her feelings about having a teenager, and thinking about retirement, onto myself and my situation.
The rest of my time in the chair was quiet because I really did not want to hear anymore of her unwanted advice. Just because someone gives you advice does not mean that you must believe it, or follow it. I think I'll follow my own path and that suits me just fine.
While I was sitting in the chair with foil sprouting out of my head like a giant sprocket, I told her about DH and I moving back to Canada and the house we just bought (thought I'd warn her that I won't be a client in a few months). She didn't understand why we bought a four bedroom house and I explained that three bedroom homes are difficult to find in the neighborhood we looked at (her English is not the best). I decided to mention that we're thinking about adopting and that is one of our reasons for moving back to Canada. Then she gave me a quizzical look and asked, "You want to adopt? Really? How old are you?" Gulp. I told her my age (41), and she told me I was too old to adopt (gee, as if I hadn't already thought of that) and that I wouldn't want a child when I should be thinking of retirement (gee, how supportive!). I was speechless and I bit my tongue...then I asked her how old she was when she had her youngest: 39. It was then that I realized that she was transferring some of her feelings about having a teenager, and thinking about retirement, onto myself and my situation.
The rest of my time in the chair was quiet because I really did not want to hear anymore of her unwanted advice. Just because someone gives you advice does not mean that you must believe it, or follow it. I think I'll follow my own path and that suits me just fine.
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