Bright and early at 5am this morning Aunt Flo came to visit. AF's appearance may explain why I have been on a major crying jag for two days -- or, ever since our appointment with the 'big' international adoption agency in town. Hormones can really mess up one's emotional state. I'm just thankful that I didn't breakdown in tears during our appointment at the agency.
Yesterday I listened to the Des'ree song "You Gotta Be" while on the treadmill. I kept repeating it as part of the chorus really hit home for me: "you gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger, you gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together." This should be my mantra while going through the adoption process. I've really got to get tougher and stronger to deal with these agencies while DH and I have our marital life scrutinized by strangers.
Yesterday I emailed an out of town agency that handles open adoptions. DH and I went to one of their workshops last November (just over a week after we moved back to Canada). I received a reply today that we could go ahead and register with the agency before our homestudy is completed if we are finished our sessions with our social worker. This has really brightened my day, but the only drawback is that we need to write a birth mother letter, a profile with photos, and get 5 reference letters. The reference letters may be the problem because it is one thing to ask friends to be a 'reference' and it is quite another thing to ask them to put this in a written letter format and have them follow through with it.
Oh, well, guess I must try to be harder, tougher, and stronger if I want to survive this adoption process with both my sanity and marriage intact. Fun days ahead.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Levels of Frustration
This morning I realized why infertile couples choose not to adopt, or give up on adoption. DH and I had an appointment with a woman at the 'big' international adoption agency in town. Our social worker had suggested that we could get on a waiting list for international adoption while pursuing domestic adoption, so we decided to look into it.
Our goal this morning was to get basic facts and find out how to get on the waiting list for the country we are interested in, which is Vietnam as DH's good friends from childhood are Vietnamese and they are more lenient with adoptive parents' ages. Since Vietnam recently ratified the Hague Convention on international adoption the 'big' international adoption agency in town has adoptions currently on hold. The woman mentioned that we could possibly get on the call back list in 2012. We asked what the difference was between the call back list and the waiting list and she said they were the same thing. Then we asked if we could get on the call back list and she said they were not adding to the call back list until she could go through the list of names she already had, but she would keep us in mind or we could keep inquiring, or keep checking their website. DH and I were completely baffled by this response as there is no logical process to getting on the call back list as it is all left to chance.
This 'big' international adoption agency in town is going to begin processing domestic open adoptions as soon as it receives a license, which is any day now, but, we can't get more information from them until they receive the license. The woman did tell us that the agency would require a 2k non-refundable retainer when we 'register' with them, but she would not answer DH's question of whether this retainer is included in the agency's estimate of total adoption costs.
DH and I were frustrated after we left the 'big' international adoption agency in town. Especially after finding out that they require us to take a workshop with them after we just finished our PRIDE course a month ago. My other frustration with them is that the woman pushed special needs international adoptions. At this point I had to share my late sister's story and how I spent half my childhood being dragged to hospitals and doctors appointments along with my sister. But, the woman seemed to gloss over my history and said that "if we really want to parent" that these international children are available for adoption without a wait list. She then said we could specify what kind of disability we would accept for adoption. So, how does one exactly prioritize what kind of disability is acceptable? That one makes my stomach turn. I am also irked that we came in asking questions about a specific nation for international adoption, and we were side-tracked to special needs adoptions.
I cried when I got home. When will it get easier? First infertility, then fertility treatments, then recurrent pregnancy losses, then kafkaesque adoption procedures and agencies. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how international adoptees do not automatically become Canadian citizens when adopted by Canadian citizens. We must apply for citizenship/sponsorship for the child when he/she is brought back to Canada, and therefore must obtain (and retain) a passport from his/her birth nation until the process is completed. I wonder how much more frustration I can deal with before I break.
Our goal this morning was to get basic facts and find out how to get on the waiting list for the country we are interested in, which is Vietnam as DH's good friends from childhood are Vietnamese and they are more lenient with adoptive parents' ages. Since Vietnam recently ratified the Hague Convention on international adoption the 'big' international adoption agency in town has adoptions currently on hold. The woman mentioned that we could possibly get on the call back list in 2012. We asked what the difference was between the call back list and the waiting list and she said they were the same thing. Then we asked if we could get on the call back list and she said they were not adding to the call back list until she could go through the list of names she already had, but she would keep us in mind or we could keep inquiring, or keep checking their website. DH and I were completely baffled by this response as there is no logical process to getting on the call back list as it is all left to chance.
This 'big' international adoption agency in town is going to begin processing domestic open adoptions as soon as it receives a license, which is any day now, but, we can't get more information from them until they receive the license. The woman did tell us that the agency would require a 2k non-refundable retainer when we 'register' with them, but she would not answer DH's question of whether this retainer is included in the agency's estimate of total adoption costs.
DH and I were frustrated after we left the 'big' international adoption agency in town. Especially after finding out that they require us to take a workshop with them after we just finished our PRIDE course a month ago. My other frustration with them is that the woman pushed special needs international adoptions. At this point I had to share my late sister's story and how I spent half my childhood being dragged to hospitals and doctors appointments along with my sister. But, the woman seemed to gloss over my history and said that "if we really want to parent" that these international children are available for adoption without a wait list. She then said we could specify what kind of disability we would accept for adoption. So, how does one exactly prioritize what kind of disability is acceptable? That one makes my stomach turn. I am also irked that we came in asking questions about a specific nation for international adoption, and we were side-tracked to special needs adoptions.
I cried when I got home. When will it get easier? First infertility, then fertility treatments, then recurrent pregnancy losses, then kafkaesque adoption procedures and agencies. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how international adoptees do not automatically become Canadian citizens when adopted by Canadian citizens. We must apply for citizenship/sponsorship for the child when he/she is brought back to Canada, and therefore must obtain (and retain) a passport from his/her birth nation until the process is completed. I wonder how much more frustration I can deal with before I break.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Waiting For Spring
Today is the first day of spring, but where I am right now it is snowing so I am still waiting for robins and daffodils. I really hate March in Canada.
Our home visit by the social worker went well...I think. She spent two hours grilling us about our childhood experiences and if we'd been hit or abused, and all sorts of fun stuff like that. Meanwhile, she spent all of two minutes checking out our house. Two minutes...so, all the hours we spent cleaning (and me worrying) amounted to a two minute tour of our home. We have used this clean home as an opportunity to have our parents over to visit...of course not at the same time because that would be insane. Since we've been engaged and married our parents have been in the same room about six times. That's right, six times in nine years (and that includes our wedding rehearsal and wedding day). Oh, seven times if you include my sister's funeral.
Our last meeting with the social worker is next week and I'm working on reading a Deborah Gray book on attachment. Here's hoping we get approved.
Our home visit by the social worker went well...I think. She spent two hours grilling us about our childhood experiences and if we'd been hit or abused, and all sorts of fun stuff like that. Meanwhile, she spent all of two minutes checking out our house. Two minutes...so, all the hours we spent cleaning (and me worrying) amounted to a two minute tour of our home. We have used this clean home as an opportunity to have our parents over to visit...of course not at the same time because that would be insane. Since we've been engaged and married our parents have been in the same room about six times. That's right, six times in nine years (and that includes our wedding rehearsal and wedding day). Oh, seven times if you include my sister's funeral.
Our last meeting with the social worker is next week and I'm working on reading a Deborah Gray book on attachment. Here's hoping we get approved.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Home Study Chez DH & Moi This Sunday
It's official. I am going crazy. Our social worker visits our home this Sunday and I can't relax. In fact, I am burned out from all the adoption stuff. We finished our PRIDE course several weeks ago and I have been diligently working on our birthmother letter/profile. After Sunday's home visit we have one more appointment with our social worker until our home study ends. Apparently we are supposed to be reading adoption books and listing them for the social worker, but I have only read one so far and need to find others.
We went to the police station last Friday to fill out forms for a criminal check, and also went to another agency to have our finger prints done for the FBI screening. Yes, we are getting checked out by the FBI, believe it or not, because we lived in the United States for almost five years. It will take about three months, but the funny thing is that I have almost no prints on my fingers! The woman doing the imprints complained, but what can I do? Who knew that your fingerprints can wear off over time. I told DH it is because of all the housework I do and he laughed and joked that I could be a criminal -- thanks Honey. Just hope it doesn't negatively impact our home study.
I am crossing my fingers that everything goes well on Sunday with the social worker and she's not detracted by clutter.
We went to the police station last Friday to fill out forms for a criminal check, and also went to another agency to have our finger prints done for the FBI screening. Yes, we are getting checked out by the FBI, believe it or not, because we lived in the United States for almost five years. It will take about three months, but the funny thing is that I have almost no prints on my fingers! The woman doing the imprints complained, but what can I do? Who knew that your fingerprints can wear off over time. I told DH it is because of all the housework I do and he laughed and joked that I could be a criminal -- thanks Honey. Just hope it doesn't negatively impact our home study.
I am crossing my fingers that everything goes well on Sunday with the social worker and she's not detracted by clutter.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Dark Winter Days
Earlier this morning I was shovelling snow on our back deck. For some strange reason the previous homeowner built a deck that went under the gas furnace exhaust/intake pipes. These pipes are six inches above the deck boards situated a couple of inches between a riser for the patio door and the railing. I have no idea what this couple was thinking when they built the deck the way they did as the snow must be cleared from this area all the time, and it is so awkward to get a shovel in this space that one has to use hands to scoop out the snow between the pipes. Guess DH and I will not be going on any trips during winter until we make changes to the deck, which may not be for a few years. Of course, the whole adoption thing is costing more than I realized so we may not be able to afford a sun holiday for a long time. Grrrrr! Just needed to vent as DH keeps reminding me about how much more things cost up here.
We are halfway through the PRIDE course and have completed our second homestudy visit the other day, so there is a feeling that we are progressing through the 'adoption system'. We need to do more research regarding discipline and we realize that we really should be in agreement on how we will discipline. I have also started a birthmother letter, but have an enormous case of writer's block that sent me straight to the internet for inspiration. If anyone knows of any amazing websites/blogs regarding adoption, or writing profiles/birthmother letters, please feel free to comment.
At this moment I am feeling somewhat hopeful about adoption, but we have been forewarned by our social worker that there are not a lot of birthmothers giving their babies up for adoption. The other bad news is that the big international adoption agency in our city has wait lists of a minimum of two years -- and that is for waiting children with special needs. It seems like other countries are not so keen on foreigners adopting their children as the restrictions appear to be getting tighter (eg. age, weight, marital status etc). If I think too much about the mountain ahead of us I get discouraged, so I try to focus on the present.
The other freaky thing that has happened to me this winter is that I had a menstrual cycle in January. I had been on HRT since August, but I had a strange rash around my left nipple that appeared in September and wouldn't go away. Thinking that there might be a correlation between the rash and HRT, I went off the hormones the week before Christmas. Surprisingly the rash finally disappeared two weeks later. The week after that Aunt Flow came to town for a visit, the day I was leaving for an out of town tournament with my sister and niece. I had not had a period since June and it was weird having it again, and I had forgotten how messy and uncomfortable it can be. Since I had a menstrual cycle I decided to skip the HRT and see if AF visits this month, which should be within the next week.
These dark winter days are getting me down, especially with the homestudy, as well as the PRIDE course taking up one day a weekend for four weeks. I am trying to think of spring, but it seems so far away. Maybe I will stay in this afternoon and watch Dr. Zhivago, since the snow will still be there tomorrow. Oh, I think our Mr Plow guy is here clearing our driveway! Think I might leave the front steps for DH to clean off tonight.
We are halfway through the PRIDE course and have completed our second homestudy visit the other day, so there is a feeling that we are progressing through the 'adoption system'. We need to do more research regarding discipline and we realize that we really should be in agreement on how we will discipline. I have also started a birthmother letter, but have an enormous case of writer's block that sent me straight to the internet for inspiration. If anyone knows of any amazing websites/blogs regarding adoption, or writing profiles/birthmother letters, please feel free to comment.
At this moment I am feeling somewhat hopeful about adoption, but we have been forewarned by our social worker that there are not a lot of birthmothers giving their babies up for adoption. The other bad news is that the big international adoption agency in our city has wait lists of a minimum of two years -- and that is for waiting children with special needs. It seems like other countries are not so keen on foreigners adopting their children as the restrictions appear to be getting tighter (eg. age, weight, marital status etc). If I think too much about the mountain ahead of us I get discouraged, so I try to focus on the present.
The other freaky thing that has happened to me this winter is that I had a menstrual cycle in January. I had been on HRT since August, but I had a strange rash around my left nipple that appeared in September and wouldn't go away. Thinking that there might be a correlation between the rash and HRT, I went off the hormones the week before Christmas. Surprisingly the rash finally disappeared two weeks later. The week after that Aunt Flow came to town for a visit, the day I was leaving for an out of town tournament with my sister and niece. I had not had a period since June and it was weird having it again, and I had forgotten how messy and uncomfortable it can be. Since I had a menstrual cycle I decided to skip the HRT and see if AF visits this month, which should be within the next week.
These dark winter days are getting me down, especially with the homestudy, as well as the PRIDE course taking up one day a weekend for four weeks. I am trying to think of spring, but it seems so far away. Maybe I will stay in this afternoon and watch Dr. Zhivago, since the snow will still be there tomorrow. Oh, I think our Mr Plow guy is here clearing our driveway! Think I might leave the front steps for DH to clean off tonight.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Just a Few More Days
Just a few more days and Christmas will be over for another year. It has been incredibly difficult this year and I have been full of sadness this past week.
We went for our first visit with our adoption practitioner, who is wonderful, on a snowy morning last week. Of course, I cried going over my history and losses, but the most difficult part was when she warned us that there aren't that many babies put up for adoption in our province. In fact, it's gone down considerably in the past five to ten years. She did tell us there are other avenues to take such as international adoption or adopting from the Children's Aid Society. Then she gave us piles of forms and information an inch thick. I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness as Christmas approaches. The adoption process feels like it is moving further from our grasp the more we proceed.
DH and I avoided an open house on Sunday at a couple's home whom we knew from when we were dating; DH was friend's with the wife and I am not keen on her since she freaked out that we were going to choose the same wedding date as they did 8yrs ago, so we chose the the week after and this couple chose to skip our wedding and go on their honeymoon instead, oh, and they also married in a church that neither attended just because it 'looked good'. They have two children and wrote a sugary newsletter for Christmas. Why do people like this have children easily? Why?
I will be so happy when Christmas is over.
We went for our first visit with our adoption practitioner, who is wonderful, on a snowy morning last week. Of course, I cried going over my history and losses, but the most difficult part was when she warned us that there aren't that many babies put up for adoption in our province. In fact, it's gone down considerably in the past five to ten years. She did tell us there are other avenues to take such as international adoption or adopting from the Children's Aid Society. Then she gave us piles of forms and information an inch thick. I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness as Christmas approaches. The adoption process feels like it is moving further from our grasp the more we proceed.
DH and I avoided an open house on Sunday at a couple's home whom we knew from when we were dating; DH was friend's with the wife and I am not keen on her since she freaked out that we were going to choose the same wedding date as they did 8yrs ago, so we chose the the week after and this couple chose to skip our wedding and go on their honeymoon instead, oh, and they also married in a church that neither attended just because it 'looked good'. They have two children and wrote a sugary newsletter for Christmas. Why do people like this have children easily? Why?
I will be so happy when Christmas is over.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Christmas Time Again
It's Christmas time again. I was over-the-top excited at the end of November when one local radio station began to play Christmas music 24/7 and I put up our new Christmas tree. But, the blues is starting to creep in. Perhaps it's the endless nights and lack of sunshine, or maybe it's the way the holiday cheer seems to highlight who or what is missing from one's life, but Christmas can be tragic, sad, and happy all at once. There's a radio promo from a new-mum excited about her baby's first Christmas that started it. Then I went shopping at the mall and was taken aback by all the little babies in carriages and strollers. The craziest part is hearing Christmas music with references to baby Jesus and I get emotional with the baby references. It's my pity-party this Christmas because I should have had a baby at this point, but no one is paying any attention to this but me.
On the adoption front we are meeting with our adoption practitioner tomorrow as we are about to start the home study. Hope all goes well. We attended an information session at an international adoption agency about three weeks ago. Not sure if this is the route we are to take, but hopefully our practitioner can offer words of advice. We've also signed up for the PRIDE course that starts this winter. I am a bit scared by the uncertainty of adoption. We are doing all we can in our power, but this does not guarantee we will be parents in a year or two and the uncertainty may drive me crazy.
Since this is our first winter with snow in five years I've been obsessive about shoveling the front steps and driveway. A couple of weeks ago, as I was sprinkling some ice melt stuff on the driveway, our next door neighbor came over and introduced herself. She mentioned how we must find the house so big since it's just the two of us. Well, I decided I was going to upfront and honest, so I told her that we are hoping to adopt. Her face lit up and she exclaimed that her two teenage children are adopted (from Russia) and that another family two houses down have two adopted teenage daughters from China. We had a big chat about adoption and I met her son who gave me his two cents on being adopted. Guess fate meant for us to buy this house on this street.
On the adoption front we are meeting with our adoption practitioner tomorrow as we are about to start the home study. Hope all goes well. We attended an information session at an international adoption agency about three weeks ago. Not sure if this is the route we are to take, but hopefully our practitioner can offer words of advice. We've also signed up for the PRIDE course that starts this winter. I am a bit scared by the uncertainty of adoption. We are doing all we can in our power, but this does not guarantee we will be parents in a year or two and the uncertainty may drive me crazy.
Since this is our first winter with snow in five years I've been obsessive about shoveling the front steps and driveway. A couple of weeks ago, as I was sprinkling some ice melt stuff on the driveway, our next door neighbor came over and introduced herself. She mentioned how we must find the house so big since it's just the two of us. Well, I decided I was going to upfront and honest, so I told her that we are hoping to adopt. Her face lit up and she exclaimed that her two teenage children are adopted (from Russia) and that another family two houses down have two adopted teenage daughters from China. We had a big chat about adoption and I met her son who gave me his two cents on being adopted. Guess fate meant for us to buy this house on this street.
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