Mama Mia, a Fight

Late yesterday afternoon, while DH was busy doing laundry and making lasagne, I willingly tried to help him on the food front. Of course, he hates it when I try to cook with him as I invariably make comments about how I would do it. Adding more nutmeg to the ricotta cheese than the recipe called for really ticked him off. In my defense, he had added more ricotta than what was in the recipe -- I use a recipe as a guideline, not the rule. Heated words were exchanged and I stormed off to our bedroom only to discover a bed strewn with laundry fresh from the dryer. Mama Mia!!

In retrospect I realize he was only trying to help, but between my freaking out about wrinkled laundry (I hate to iron) and his freaking out about multi-tasking (maybe it's a guy thing) we ended up fighting. Unfortunately, since my parents never fought in front of me while I was growing up, I never learned to fight 'well' and either walk away or begin to cry. And so, I began to cry. Then it felt like my blood was boiling and that made me more upset. It was totally irrational and I couldn't explain why I was upset, but then I couldn't stop.

After I finally did stop crying I was scared to death that I had harmed the pregnancy. I am so emotional lately, but is it possible that my emotional outburst and spike in bp could end my pregnancy? Just feeling really guilty today. I have no pregnancy symptoms except sore breasts and an aversion to red meat. Must remember to stay calm until at least the ultrasound next week.

Double Positive

I went for more bloodwork this morning at the clinic, but I wasn't as nervous waiting for the results because, really, there's nothing I can do at the moment to influence the outcome, and bad news is what I'm used to hearing. So, imagine my shock when I got the phone call and found out it had doubled! I was stunned and couldn't believe the hcg was 151. I have an ultrasound scheduled at the clinic for the second week in February, and no more bloodwork until that time...which freaks me out a bit. You see, four years ago we had a 'spontaneous' pregnancy and I went to my GP and had bloodwork drawn twice, and then I made an appointment with an OB and discovered at my first ultrasound that the pregnancy had stopped growing. Until I see something on the ultrasound I can't believe this actually worked.

I told DH and he is beyond happy that it worked this time and that the beta doubled. The only problem is that he wants to phone his Mother right away and tell her the news. Oh, boy. This is the woman who gushed about DH's friend's baby over Christmas dinner two years ago (and who follows this baby's mother's 'Mommy' blog). I talked him into waiting a couple days until the weekend when he does his weekly call home. Once she finds out she'll be bugging us to move closer to 'home'. Must stay happy...must stay calm.

Positive

Yesterday I went for bloodwork at the clinic to see if the embryos implanted. Waiting for the phone call is torture. I passed the morning by watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' on the dvr. Of course, I cried at the end when they're looking for Cat in the pouring rain and they find the cat and embrace. A few minutes later, after I've wiped the tears and blown my nose, the phone rings. Thanks to caller i.d. on the television I see that it's the clinic. Oh, boy. While composing myself I pick up the phone and hear the news. Oh, my God, it's positive! My hcg was 64. All I could say was "Really?" I've never had the hcg that high. Tomorrow I go for more bloodwork to see if the numbers keep rising. The weird thing is I'm not excited. I know that at this point nothing is guaranteed, so all I can do is cross my fingers, pray, and hope that the numbers keep rising.

Sofa Days, Part Deux

It's been five days since the FET and hanging out on the sofa is highly overrated. Don't get me wrong, I do love watching movies (especially the oldies on TCM), reading magazines/books, going online etc., but I am really getting antsy. It's a hereditary thing that my Mother and sister both suffer from: we can't stay still for very long. I have a feeling that Martha Stewart suffers from this affliction as well. Wish I could lie down and stay that way for hours, but I can't...and I have been off caffeine for over a year. Just a couple days to go until I can go for walks again.

I added a section on the side of this blog listing movies that feature a barren babe and/or couple. Those listed are the ones that I have seen, but I'm sure there are others that I'm not aware of. Please let me know if there are other movies I should add to the list as I, and I'm sure many other barren babes, find comfort in watching them and seeing the characters go through many of the same emotions that DH and I have. Some of the movies have a subtle fertility-challenged tone to them such as 'Beetlejuice' and 'Out of Africa', others like 'Maybe Baby' are all about trying to conceive, while some like 'Penny Serenade' and 'My Blue Heaven' are oldies that show couples adopting. 'Penny Serenade' never fails to make me cry, but then so does 'Immediate Family'.

Sofa Days

The FET was on Thursday morning and I've been spending most of my days on the sofa since that time. DH is off to watch a rugby game and I'm watching some awards show on VH1. I really want a big pot of tea, but not sure if I should risk it all by lifting the kettle as the clinic has me totally paranoid about doing anything strenuous. I am feeling hopeful, although my cousin's sudden death has given me perspective on our situation: life is precious and can be gone in a moment.

Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster

One week to go until our final frozen embryo transfer. I started the new year feeling optimistic that no matter what happens DH and I have each other and we will have a wonderful year and decade. There is a finality to this FET, but I like knowing that this will be our last try before the decision is thrust upon us; a sense of control in the out of control universe that is infertility.

Yes, everything was going smoothly until I increased my estrogen...then my loopy, emotially unstable personality emerged from hiding. I definitely will not be missing this side of fertility treatment. Yesterday I had a meltdown at a department store: saleswoman was nasty to me, then I had to wait 30 minutes for the seamstress who then told me she couldn't shorten the coat sleeves because they had cuffs. Yes, I was that crazy woman crying in my husband's arms in the winter coats section. The silver lining is that I found an even better coat at Nordstrom's where the saleswoman was super friendly and most helpful. Guess the moral is that I should not be in malls while under the influence of high doses of estrogen.

This morning while waiting for the coffeemaker to brew my decaf the phone rings and I notice it's my parents number. Strange because my Mother never phones in the morning. Never. Something is wrong. I pick up the receiver and she tells me she has bad news. My stomach drops and I bravely ask who it is while thinking which elderly relative it might be. Then she proceeds to tell me it's my 50 year old cousin who dropped dead of a heart attack last night. I was in shock. Although I haven't seen him in a couple of years, he was always slim and in good spirits. He definitely lived life to the fullest, but what we put into life is not alway what we get back from it. Life is unfair and I was a weepy mess this morning. DH had lunch with me and I went to the gym for some therapy on the treadmill -- honestly, 2 miles on the treadmill can get your mind off anything.

This is my life at the moment. I really want to be home with my family at this time, but it's thousands of miles away and we just flew back from there last week, plus I have a FET scheduled for next week. Guess I have to suck it up and be strong...but I really want to sit down and cry.

It's That Time of the Year Again

Yes, it's the holiday time. DH's work Christmas party is this evening and we have a 7am flight tomorrow to go back home for a week for Christmas and all that jazz. Our bed is full of my clothes because I can't get my act together to figure out what I want to pack. Any piece of clothing I wear in front of my Mother will be criticized and this year I don't care. What irks me is that the majority of my sweaters are tighter than they were a year ago thanks to hormones and the two pregnancy losses. Ughhhh. I really don't feel like dressing up and painting on a smile for the Christmas party...thinking about bailing.

A couple of weeks ago we got my bloodwork results and it turns out I am 'borderline' protein S deficient. In layman terms, this protein is a natural blood thinner and if you're deficient then your blood has a propensity to clotting. It runs in families and 'lucky' me got it (1 in 20,000), so I have an increased risk of deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism and repeated pregnancy loss. I really wish I had known this when we were starting our trying to conceive journey, but because it is so rare -- and the tests are expensive -- it is only tested after repeated pregnancy loss. So, I'm just feeling a bit down about my genetics and why I have to have this. I'm really beginning to think that God does not want me to have children since I've been given so many obstacles to overcome. First it's crappy eggs and then it's a genetic 'mutation' that won't allow me to stay pregnant. Needless to mention I won't be setting foot inside a church this season because I just don't have that much faith left in me.

An old friend from back home sent me a facebook invitation to a high school reunion over Christmas. Thinking about being around all those old friends and their kids made my stomach churn. I had to send my regrets. I'm just not strong enough this year...not with everything that's happened. In fact, this year I just signed our names to our Christmas cards. No messages...just couldn't do it. Sent them two and a half weeks ago and so far we have received two. Guess the others are too busy trying to write their 'year in review' letters.

And it's the time of year of annoying jewelry store commercials on television. The Kay one with the husband and wife and newborn really offended me when the husband mentioned it was their first year as a 'family'. So, does that mean that DH and I are not a family since we don't have children? I can't watch it and have to turn the channel whenever it pops up.

Here's to all the Barren Babes out there as we bravely make our way to holiday festivities. Keep your head up, paint a smile on your face, and drink a toast to better days ahead.