Dark Days

For the past couple of weeks I have tried my best to be upbeat. The last week of October we discovered that an embryo had implanted and I was pregnant, but subsequent blood tests revealed that it had stopped growing. Within a matter of days I was jubilant and then devastated. I also had a birthday that week. Turning 41 in the midst of teary-eyed disappointment is not one of my best memories. That day I vowed not to cry and I didn't -- it took a lot of willpower, but not one tear dropped down my face.

That weekend DH and I took off to the countryside and had a lovely weekend. I dragged him into a few antique shops and we took our time and had fun. There were topics I wanted to discuss and didn't actually have the talk with him until we were home on Sunday. Basically, I wanted to know if DH is up for one final FET. His reply was, "You know how I feel about this." He doesn't want to do anymore embryo transfers, but I want to try one last time. Tears ensued and he relented. Basically, he told me that it kills him to see me devastated each time, but if I really want to try one last time he'll be supportive. I just want to know ahead of time that this is the final attempt.

I had lots of questions prepared for our doctor's appointment last week. What I didn't expect was the doctor's concern about why I've had four losses. The first two pregnancy losses were 'blamed' on my poor egg quality, but since we're using donor eggs he thinks there might me something else causing the embryos not to develop. He theorizes that it could be DH's chromosomes or something to do with me and a clotting factor, or thyroid, or lupus factor. When he was telling us this I kept thinking: why hasn't any doctor thought of doing these tests before? Hmmm...guess it's just easier to blame it on the woman's poor egg quality because she's in her late thirties. Then I thought: so it takes four pregnancy losses before doctors think there's a problem...four losses...four devastating losses.

DH and I have decided to try one last FET before calling it quits to the whole ART thing. I should be optimistic, right? But, instead I'm filled with a dark foreboding feeling that maybe it is DH's chromosomes and therefore there's not much we can do about it. I feel guilty that my desire to be pregnant and give birth has cost us dearly financially -- especially our retirement fund. Of course, if we had put the money in the stock market would we be better off now, or would we be in the same financial situation? These are dark days. I can't wait for November to end. Maybe I'll start playing Christmas music.

It's An Embryo Transfer, Not An Implant!!!

Just need to vent a bit about the media's use of the term Embryo Implant instead of Embryo Transfer. The media was using Embryo Implant incorrectly around the time of octo-mom giving birth, but it was a bunch of journalists who did not do enough research and lacked the facts. If it actually were an embryo implant then the success rates would be quite higher than they actually are.

Last Thursday on ABC's 'Private Practice' they used the term Implant instead of Transfer and I was totally ticked off. Doesn't this medical drama have MDs who verify terminology? I'm still unsure about this show since they portrayed an insane woman who had a miscarriage cutting open a pregnant woman and taking her baby. As someone who's had four losses I can honestly tell you that no sane woman who's suffered a miscarriage would willingly place themselves in the same room as a very pregnant woman, or a baby for that matter. I've even crossed streets to avoid passing pregnant women or strollers on sidewalks.

Then today I read that Celine Dion lost her pregnancy after an Embryo Transfer. Of course the media called it an Embryo Transplant, but hopefully having someone famous be open about these trying situations will highlight the plight that many of us are struggling with. Just wish they would call it an Embryo Transfer.

It's Always Good To Have A 'Plan B'

This was supposed to be a joyful post, but unfortunately it's not. Two days ago I went for blood work and the results were positive: my beta was 44 and, according to the nurse, anything above 30 was good. I was really expecting a negative so I was in shock for most of the day while walking around in a daze. By evening DH had convinced me that this was the one...it had finally worked. I kept reminding him that we should wait for the second blood test, but DH was positive it was going to go up because...the embryo wasn't from my egg (thanks Honey!!!). He told his parents, and I phoned my Mother and told her but warned that we still had to wait for more bloodwork because it could go down.

Yesterday I went for a walk to get some fresh air and actually opened my heart to let in a bit of hope. I started thinking about a baby growing inside of me and whether I should breastfeed considering the micro-calcifications in one of my breasts. DH and I talked about what the next nine months to a year might bring. His optimism was contagious.

This morning I went for the second blood test and waited all morning for a phone call. I even took that phone with me to the bathroom because I was so afraid of missing the call. Well, I finally got the call just after lunch and it wasn't good news -- I could tell by the tone of the nurse's voice. My beta has dropped to 35 today, and they want to see if it goes up again so I'm scheduled to go back for more blood work in three days. The nurse said there's a small possibility of it going back up again. Has anyone heard of that happening? I couldn't ask many questions because my voice was cracking as I was holding back tears. After having a good cry I can't help but wonder why my body keeps rejecting embryos, and was there something I did to make it not want to stay in my uterus?

At this point I feel numb and can't concentrate enough to read or watch television. But, I am thankful that DH and I came up with a Plan B (to go away this weekend) just in case the results were negative . Thoughts of this getaway are getting me through my sadness. It's always good to have a Plan B.

Facebook Blues

Am I a glutton for pain, or what? For some strange reason I found myself lurking on Facebook and checking out profiles filled with baby/child photos. Arghhh! I must stop this madness. Dammit. Why do I do this to myself?

The Wait Continues

It's been six days and so far I don't really feel anything. With the ectopic last March my breasts were sore and hurt, and now I sometimes squeeze them just in case I've missed some kind of pain. No constipation, no tiredness, but I am bloated and feel very PMSy -- perhaps from the estrogen and progesterone in my system.

Update on life with my Mother. While talking on the phone with her today she asked: "Did you get that shot-thing yet?" I really had to hold myself back from laughing out loud while replying that I had it a week ago tomorrow. Hmmm, let's see, I told her a few days before it happened and a day after it happened and then I get this question. Either she's not listening, paying attention, or early stages of dementia have befallen her. For all I know she could have been referring to the H1N1flu vaccine, which hasn't arrived in our area yet.

Life goes on.

The Wait Begins

Went for the FET yesterday, and I was annoyed by the 45 minute wait to sign in. On the drive there I had DH put in a relaxing CD of Pachelbel's Canon in D and I was so relaxed I thought I might nod off. After fifteen minutes sitting in the clinic's waiting room my relaxed state began wearing off. Maybe it had something to do with a patient having a conversation loud enough for us to hear, not to mention hearing someone at the front desk talk to a patient about their insurance coverage over the phone, which we could hear well enough to feel uncomfortable about knowing another patient's private information. Perhaps the clinic should invest in a reception area with clear glass to keep things private. After 25 minutes I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise and decided to wait outside the clinic as it was actually more quiet in the hallway.

I don't know why they were running so far behind, but I just wish they had phoned us to let us know not to come for another 30 minutes. Of course, my blood pressure was high when they initially took it because I was annoyed and impatient. The upside is that one of the embryos was 8 cells and the other 7 cells, which is higher than our last FET. So, apart from the long wait, the transfer went well.

For the past 24 hours I have been curious about every little 'pain' that I might feel down there. Of course, it's probably just gas but you never know. I'm trying to stay positive, but also trying to prepare myself in case it's a negative. And so the agonizing wait begins.

The Count Down Begins

Today DH and I paid a visit to the clinic for a 'pre-op' in preparation for next week's frozen embryo transfer (FET). Crazy, but the part I hate the most is getting on the scales to be weighed, so I kindly ask the nurse not to say the number, because if I don't hear it then it doesn't exist. Second part is the blood pressure, which was lower that it's been in weeks...perhaps it's because I closed my eyes and thought of waterfalls on the Road to Hana in Maui. The internal ultrasound was as enjoyable as any can be, but we did discover that my uterine lining is 1cm (and I'm usually a 7mm girl).

The doctor gave us an informal lecture on the importance of getting a flu shot at this time due to the prevalence of the H1N1 strain, and stressed how it negatively affects pregnant women. I really hadn't planned on getting one as I was going to wait and see if the FET worked, but he emphasized that I should get a regular flu shot and then one for H1N1 and that they shouldn't be given at the same time. So, DH and I promptly paid a visit to Safeway pharmacy and each got a shot. After all the needles put into my body this year I was an old-pro, but I did have to coach DH who was never vaccinated as a child (honest -- MIL claims he was allergic). As of this time he's had no adverse reaction, meanwhile I felt a bit dopey afterwards...hmm, or maybe that's because of all the estrogen in my body.

Today I also decided to tell my Mother that we're doing another FET and that I got a flu shot. I got more of a response from her about the flu shot than I did about the FET. Not surprising coming from the woman who told me, "I don't know why you bother trying anymore," after our last (unsucessful) FET last July. Oh, well, just thought I'd keep her up-to-date with my life. Thank God there are hundreds of miles between us.

The date is set for next Wednesday. So, here's hoping I can remain relaxed, and 'loosey goosey' as DH calls it, for the next two weeks so my blood pressure doesn't spike.