Monday, March 29, 2010

On Track for The Last FET

DH and I went to the clinic this morning to meet with our nurse/coordinator to schedule the last FET. Since my first cycle after the miscarriage has been long and strange (3 weeks later and I'm still spotting) I decided that I did not want to rush anything and opted for a late June transfer date. Hopefully this will give me enough time to get into a bit of shape at the gym, and enough time to build my strong 'house' (as the acupuncturist refers to my uterus). The in-laws are scheduled to visit between April 16 and April 26, but I decided that I am not going to stress about it. In fact, I told DH that he is in charge of this visit: he must decide the menus, he must clean/tidy the spare bedroom and bathroom, and he is in charge of entertaining them. In other words, I am not responsible for their happiness and will do my best to keep a smile on my face no matter what my MIL may say.

DH and I finally got around to watching the movie Revolutionary Road. It had been on the PVR since late January and it was about time. Oh, boy. I had some idea that it was bleak, but that ending was quite upsetting for me post-miscarriage. The shot of the blood dripping onto the floor was the end of me. DH told me not to look, but I looked anyway. Don't think I'll ever watch that one again.

Just want to wish everyone a Happy Passover and a Happy Easter!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Building My 'House' Through Acupuncture

Last Saturday I went for my first acupuncture appointment. I spoke with the acupuncturist about my fertility issues, recent miscarriage, and desire to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months. She told me that I could only try FET in late June at the earliest as I needed to 'build a house' for the embryo; a strong house that won't break when under stress. Her course of action is to strengthen my immune system and make my uterus strong. I really like that point of view as preparing the uterine lining for a transfer is the main focus of the fertility clinic, and acupuncture will help. Of course, since the appointment DH has been teasing me about building my 'house'.

The acupuncturist also gave me instructions that I must follow. Unfortunately I had some difficulty understanding her English because she has a thick Chinese accent, but I think I managed to get the most important ones. The first one is that I am not allowed to drink any coffee, even decaf, but I can drink green or jasmine tea (not black tea). The second is that I am not allowed to drink cold liquids (not sure if this applies to food). The third instruction is that I am supposed to keep my abdomen, kidneys, and feet warm. Apparently cold is not good for 'young qi'. I really must do some research on this, but I've decided to try her instructions because I have nothing to lose and I love the idea of 'building my house' for the embryos.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

WTF Doctor Appointment

Late yesterday afternoon DH and I went for our 'WTF' doctor appointment to discuss the miscarriage and what the next steps will be. I nearly fell off my chair when the doctor told us that a gestational surrogate could be a solution to my repeated pregnancy loss. Not that I have anything against surrogacy, but musicmakermomma's doctor had recently suggested the same thing to her. Then the light bulb clicked in my brain: my doctor is giving me a textbook answer/suggestion. I can see it now in a RE textbook: when a patient is left with several frozen embryos after a history of unsuccesful transfers and/or early unexplained losses, suggest using a surrogate. I was rankled by the suggestion and told the doctor my 'situation': an old friend recently volunteered to be my surrogate, but she is in Toronto (single, with a toddler) and I'm on the US west coast, and I think it would be too complicated on so many different levels to involve her, eg. what if it worked and something were to happen to her (since she's a single mother); what if it worked and she had a miscarriage or if it didn't would I blame her? And would that come between our friendship. Also, I told the doctor (as selfish as it sounds) that I'm doing all this to experience pregnancy and childbirth, and that if I can't then I might as well go the adoption route.

We honestly did not learn anything new at this doctor's appointment. He said that the miscarriage wasn't caused by the mercury fillings in my mouth, or by anything I did, but rather because of something wrong with the embryonic structure. The only thing we haven't tested is DH's karyotype, but at this point it's irrelevant because we already have the embryos so it doesn't make a difference if there is a problem. At the appointment I could see DH's eyes well up when this subject was discussed, so I tried to lighten the mood by joking that maybe my body is 'allergic' to DH's genetic structure and so it rejects the embryo, but the doctor disputed this and said it probably wasn't valid. Sheesh, I can't get a break anywhere.

Proudly, I did not break down during the appointment, although I had to bite my lip to stop tears when the doctor spoke about the miscarriage and my previous four losses. I am worn down and close to tears by the fact that modern medicine's answer to recurrent pregnancy loss is that it is due to a genetic problem with either the sperm or egg.

DH and I agreed prior to this appointment that we would like to try one last FET to use up all five embryos. We usually lose two during thawing, so then we would have three. I asked the doctor if it would be possible to transfer three embryos and he went into a long ramble about how dangerous a triplet pregnancy is and then on about the octo-mom and her crazy doctor. He won't transfer more than two embryos.

At this point I need to phone the nurse/coordinator and set up an appointment to decide when to do the FET. Not sure when to do it, but I know I need more recovery time so it may be pushed out to late May or early June.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Going to the Doctor

Later this afternoon DH and I have an appointment with our doctor at the fertility clinic. Hopefully he will be able to provide some answers as to why I miscarried and if we can transfer the remaining frozen embryos. I assume that he will say that he doesn't know why I miscarried and that these things sometimes happen, and that we can try again. We have five frosties left and we usually lose two when they are thawed, so that leaves three. I am hoping we can transfer three, but I'm afraid that we won't be allowed to do this as our doctor is board certified and is against transferring more than two at a time. He always cites the danger of multiple births, but so far my record shows that only one embryo implants when we have two transferred...I have no idea why this happens.

I also want to ask the doctor whether the mercury in my fillings may have caused the miscarriage, or maybe the new skin cream I started using a few days before the loss happened may have affected the pregnancy. My mind is full of irrational thoughts like these. It would be so much easier if there were a tangible cause that I could point a finger at instead of the 'we don't know what causes most miscarriages' line.

On the in-laws visit front, reportedly they are coming mid-April but they haven't bought tickets. Of course, as luck would have it, the date they want to visit overlaps with a business trip DH has on the other side of the continent. Hope he explains this to them since I would assume they want to spend time with their son. God give me strengthe. At least I know that I definitely do not want to be on hormones when my MIL is in town.

As for our weekend away, it was lovely and very relaxing. So wonderful to be in the 'woods' with no sound -- except the noisy neighbours in their hot tub. We really enjoyed the wood fireplace, which made us realize that we need a fireplace in the next place we live in the future.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Aunt is Back in Town

Yes, Aunt Flow finally arrived this morning. At first I wasn't sure if it was spotting, but after showering I knew AF was here for the weekend. Of course, as luck would have it, DH and I are going away to a country inn this weekend for his birthday. Originally I was hoping it might be a 'romantic' weekend for us, but AF has put a damper on that and I'm disappointed. DH made me feel better by telling me that we have the rest of our lives to be 'romantic' and we'll have other 'dirty weekends' to look forward to. Bad timing is a major theme in my life...

In preparation for this weekend I went and got my highlights touched up as well as a cut and style. M is the best colorist I have ever had, but she takes forever -- for full highlights (I usually get partial, but it's been over a year since I've had all the hair done) it took her 90 minutes. My stylist is Vietnamese and her English isn't that great but we try our best to communicate, so in the course of 90 minutes we chatted and I decided to open up about my miscarriage. She felt bad for me, but then a few minutes later she asked me how long DH and I had been married and I told her over seven years...then came: "Why didn't you start sooner?" Oh, boy. I felt tears starting to rise, but I held back and replied that we've been trying for seven years. That made her speechless and I buried my nose in a People magazine (actually, the one with Celine Dion talking about her IVF struggle). But, M does have a heart when she scurried me over to the sink to take out the foil after a woman with her baby came in to get her bangs trimmed in the chair next to us. Maybe she saw my eyes start to water and my lips quiver as I bit down to stop the tears as I heard the woman talk about her baby. When I got back to the chair, the woman and baby were gone and M told me about her sister-in-law who had a baby at 42 after three miscarriages, and then about a client who was married 13 years before she had her baby. Honestly, I love getting my hair done because it makes me feel wonderful but I really had not prepared myself for running into babies at the salon.

DH is wondering when I'll be done so we can get out of here...not sure how he'll react when I tell him I haven't packed yet. Nothing like the adrenaline of packing at the last possible moment. Hope everyone has an amazing weekend and I'll drink a glass of wine for everyone out there (my first since Christmas!!!).

I bought a lovely blouse by Sweet Pea, and some Estee Lauder products (because it was a bonus event at Macy's) during my retail therapy the other afternoon. Love the Sweet Pea by Stacy Frati blouse because it is so flattering to my post-miscarriage tummy.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Feeling Good...Finally

It will be four weeks tomorrow since the miscarriage and I am finally feeling good again. Time is a great healer. Don't get me wrong, I still have emotional moments but everyday is getting a bit better.

Thanks to everyone for the advice on what to do about the in-laws visiting. DH and I had many discussions about it over the weekend and he phoned his parents to tell them not to book any flights until we meet with the doctor next week. As DH pointed out I may not be able to start an FET for another 2-3 months -- we'll have to ask the doctor about that next week. Not sure how long it takes to recover from a miscarriage (or when I should expect Aunt Flow to make a visit), plus I need to recover emotionally from this loss before trying the FET. Here's hoping the doctor will have answers next wee.

Tomorrow I am planning on a bit of retail therapy to pick up my spirits. I must remember to stick to the sales racks since we have to save some dollars for another FET. Although, I must admit that I bought an amazing magenta Coach bag over the weekend. Okay, it was at an outlet and was marked down 70% (maybe because it's magenta) so I don't feel too guilty. Now, what can I wear a magenta bag with?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Olympics Withdrawal & Possible MIL Visit

I am really missing the winter olympics right now. Watching the winter olympics on television helped to get my mind off the miscarriage as I could really lose myself watching the different competitions. This week I've been trying to watch old movies on TCM, but it doesn't have the same effect.

What is really weird lately is my lack of interest in fashion magazines and shopping. Usually the mere thought of retail therapy is enough to rouse me out of the deepest valley, but it is not working. DH came home from a trade show yesterday with a $50 Bloomingdales gift card he won because he wore a giveaway button (??). It made me happy but not exactly excited.

The other strange thing is my lack of appetite, but this could be an after effect of the miscarriage from the drop in hormones and loss of blood. The silver lining is that I think I am losing weight, but it's strange not to feel hunger and it lands me into trouble when I forget to eat.

Last night after DH gave me the Bloomingdales gift card -- and announced himself as the world's greatest husband -- he broke the news that his parents want to come and visit. OMG! I said sure and that July/August would be a good time, and he said they want to come in May/June. You see, we have 5 frozen embryos left and we were thinking of trying another FET, but we're not sure when that will be or when I will be medically allowed to do it. DH thinks the visit would be better sooner rather than later, but I told him that his parents (mother specifically) stress me out. Lots of stress equals no pregnancy. So, I gave him orders to tell his parents they can visit us anytime between now and the end of April or July/August, and to be straight up with them that we are trying again. I refuse to let them visit us within three weeks of a transfer, especially since this will be our last try. Have I mentioned how I can't stand my passive aggressive MIL? In fact, my SIL has cut my MIL out of her life...and DH sees no problem because he is the golden boy. I can't let her ruin this. What should I do?