Thursday, June 24, 2010

It's a Negative

The result is in and it's officially a negative. Guess our one good embryo did not want to stay. I just found out an hour ago and had a good cry. The nurse asked me if I wanted the doctor to phone me and talk...Um, NO. I can't imagine what he would say to me except to try again with another egg donor, but at this point we're too drained financially and emotionally to go through it again. Not sure if we should make a WTF appointment since we're not planning on doing ART again. I haven't phone DH yet, and my acupuncturist wants me to phone her with the news (good or bad). Now I'm wondering if I should continue on the acupuncture path or call it quits. Lots of thoughts running through my head...just wish some of them were clear and logical.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Dreaded Wait

Tomorrow is the day I go for bloodwork to see if our one good embryo decided to stay in my uterus and grow. Lately I've been looking out for any physical changes that might indicate that I'm pregnant.

Yesterday I was convinced that I was because I awoke to the taste of vomit in my mouth. Yes, it wasn't pleasant but I guess DH's spaghetti sauce from the night before did a number on my tummy and acid reflux made an appearance. All day I was feeling nauseated, but today I feel wonderful. I keep looking at my breasts in the mirror after I shower to see if they've changed, but nothing so far. I'm tempted to try a home pregnancy test, but since I've had a history of chemical pregnancies I don't think it would really help.

It seems like every hour I change my mind whether I might be pregnant or not. Honestly, I must confess I've been looking at baby stuff online because this might be the last time I can do this with some hope in my heart. If it is negative tomorrow I won't be able to look at baby stuff again without feeling a tinge of sadness...but no regret.

Monday, June 14, 2010

One Good Embryo

The FET was yesterday morning and I was so excited that I could barely sleep the night before -- even though I went for acupuncture Saturday evening. While DH drove to the clinic I had a sudden sense of dread: this is the final FET we will do. It was beginning to feel momentous and I had to calm myself by focusing on the moment.

Sunday proved not to be the best time to undergo an embryo transfer. DH and I were relaxed but the nursing staff was rushing the process because they wanted to (or so it seemed) finish and enjoy the beautiful weather. The worst part was when the embryologist came to talk and told us that out of five frozen embryos only one survived! The good news, we were told, was that this one embryo had 7 cells and looked great, although I took little comfort in the knowledge that our one embryo looked super; instead I fought back tears and tried to hide my disappointment. One embryo. Later yesterday afternoon I realized that we were lucky to have one good embryo instead of none at all. I can't imagine how devastated we would have been if we had received a phone call saying that none had survived.

One embryo...DH keeps reminding me that it only takes one. Here's hoping that this one good embryo likes my uterine lining enough to stick around for some time.

Friday, June 11, 2010

You Make Plans and God Laughs

The ultrasound at the clinic went well this past Wednesday. My uterine lining is at 9.6 mm and the FET is set for this Sunday at eleven in the morning. Yesterday and today I have been cleaning like crazy. I don't want to do any housework until the pregnancy test on the 24th. DH states that he will help out, but men (okay, those that are straight) have a different standard of clean compared to women. My thinking is that if I scrub everything in the bathroom then it could possibly last for a few months without getting too grimy. Trying to be optimistic and planning on resting for the next couple of weeks. At the moment I'm excited about date night with DH. Take each moment as it comes.

On a side note: Real Housewives of NYC is a guilty pleasure of mine. Last night was part one of a reunion and the ladies have been extra caustic this season, especially Jill, although I would love to have pinot grigio with Ramona and Sonja someday because they would be a riot. There was a moment last night when Bethanny was talking about her surprise pregnancy (very jealous; why can't I have one?) and Jill said "you make plans and God laughs." I love it. This is perfect for me. At this point in my life I had planned on having two or three kids, but God must have found that one profoundly funny and laughed hysterically for years...eight to be exact.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Good Quote

Yesterday I picked up a magazine in the clinic's waiting room and flipped through it. The bold lettering of "On her struggles with infertility" jumped out at me; it was the June issue of Ladies' Home Journal featuring excerpts from Laura Bush's memoirs. Thanks to being hepped up on estrogen I got teary-eyed after reading the paragraph. My first impulse was to take the magazine, but I realized that wasn't right and that other women might like to read it as well. So, I left the magazine open to the paragraph and bought myself a Ladies' Home Journal yesterday afternoon. Like others struggling with infertility, I find comfort and strength knowing that I'm not alone...that others have travelled the same road. Just wish more women in the public eye who have gone through infertility would be more open and vocal about their experience.

"...each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Laura Bush, Ladies' Home Journal, June 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Another Week?

DH and I went for a 'pre-op' appointment today for the FET and it appears that my lining isn't cooperating. At 7mm my uterine lining isn't optimal for a transfer next week so we will be pushing the transfer date back. Since we only have a few embryos left -- and this will be our last FET -- I'm glad that the doctor is being cautious. The only horrible part about pushing dates back is that I have to continue being on lupron and three estrogen patches a day. My fingers are crossed that we have enough lupron left in prior vials to last until next Wednesday (when I go in to have the lining re-checked) since we have enough syringes.

The other horrible part about being on three estrogen patches until Wednesday is that they turn me into a banshee. Last night my calmness from acupuncture was disrupted when DH and I got into a fight over something as trivial as making chocolate chip cookies (I was craving them), not from scratch but the ones you slice and pop into the oven. It was incredibly irrational but I could not contain my emotional outburst: every little irritating thing that I had been ignoring came spilling over the top like a volcanic eruption. DH was scared and suggested that we cancel the transfer. Finally I got the emotions under control but I hope our relationship can withstand my emotional outbursts for another week.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Estrogen Days

Today I bumped up my estrogen intake. I'm on estrogen patches instead of pills and they are a gift from God. The pills gave me terrible headaches whereas the patches just make me woozy whenever I add an extra one, and today I am on three. Before the last FET in January I scratched the car on the curb when I was on three patches and so I've decided not to drive this week. DH will chauffeur me to and from acupuncture tonight.

According to my accupuncturist I am supposed to relax and not undertake anything stressful before the transfer. This is easier said than done with me. Since I will try to stay off my feet after the transfer until the pregnancy test I have been trying to do some extra cleaning. DH will take over the cleaning duties, but he cleans as quickly as possible and ignores dusting. Perhaps I should introduce him to the feather duster in the closet. I am also going through my closet and purging clothes that no longer fit or that I haven't worn in a year. This is difficult for me because I get sentimental about clothes. I still have a pink wool sweater set that I bought right after I first started dating my husband 10 1/2 years ago -- back when I was a size 4. Yes, that was many sizes ago but I can't part with it even though I'm giving all of the unwanted clothes to Goodwill.

The estrogen makes me overly emotional. Tears start flowing whenever I hear a sappy song on the radio, or something sentimental on television. We finally watched the finale of Celebrity Apprentice last night and the tear floodgates opened when Bret Michaels limped onstage. An hour ago I was reading a gossip website that listed new celeb pregnancy announcements and I started tearing up. It is good news that Celine Dion and Mariah Carey are pregnant since they are around my age, but I just started feeling sad...sad about the miscarriage in February. I've been so optimistic about the FET next week that I haven't thought about the miscarriage in a long time. Now doubt is starting to creep back into my thoughts about the FET. All I can think about are the odds of it working again twice in a row. Maybe I'll feel better after acupuncture tonight.