Thursday, August 11, 2011

Moments of Weakness

Dinner last Saturday went well. While drinking a glass of red wine I decided to reveal our adoption plans. Actually I was asked what I had been up to these days and asked DH if I should tell them about our 'project', and then I told them we are thinking of adopting.

The two of them were very excited and happy for us. Then I had to keep reinforcing that even though we are hoping to adopt we may not end up adopting because not many women choose an adoption plan for their babies. We were asked how we came to this decision and then I revealed our previous pregnancy losses...that was difficult and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. She then told me about her own miscarriage a few years before their son was born so she said she could understand our feelings of loss. They asked questions about the adoption process, but I am not sure they quite understood it because they kept asking why we were focusing on 'local' adoption and I was confused.

I was nervous bringing our hopes for adoption out in the open, although the red wine did help. Infertility was glossed over and I just mentioned that we had undergone some fertility treatments that were successful but ended in pregnancy loss. The clinics and fertility treatments are topics I would rather leave in the past and not be required to tell friends in detail. After they left with their little boy I felt a huge sigh of relief because it felt so freeing to tell people this aspect of our life that we had hidden from view. My only hope is that they do not become like my friend A who begins each conversation with "So, anything new with the adoption?" And I must go through the whole process over and over again.

Even though I felt wonderful emotionally this week thanks to opening up about our adoption quest, I did have a moment of weakness today when I was getting groceries. Beginning in the produce section I noticed the young mother with a toddler son and a baby. From that point it was my mission to avoid them, but it seemed like just as soon as I had forgotten about them there they would be coming down the aisle. Then when I was in the baking aisle and there was another mother and her two beautiful toddlers and then the first mother walked by singing to her baby. I looked away as my eyes began to water but I told myself I was NOT going to cry in the grocery store, so I tried to finish the groceries as fast as I could while avoiding these two women and their children. It seems that just when I think I am strong and over sad thoughts that is when I am vulnerable. At least I did not have a meltdown at the grocery store.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

To Know or Not to Know

On Tuesday DH spoke with our contact at the adoption agency we recently signed up with. We sent an updated version of our profile (more action photos) to her last week and had not heard from her. She confirmed that she received our profile and was going to present it to the pregnant teenage girl she spoke to us about a few weeks ago. Um, what?

We have no problem being presented, but we are really confused by this agency's process as we were told that they do NOT notify couples when their profiles are being presented. Perhaps it is because this woman spoke with us in her office regarding our level of acceptance regarding birth mothers alcohol and marijuana intake, and then questioned us whether we are musically inclined. The birth mother wants a couple who are musical (now I am thankful for those four years of piano lessons, and that I moved my Great Grandmother's piano across North America when DH wished to leave it in California). We appear to be this birth mother's ideal couple except she wants a childless couple who are in their early thirties and we are early forties. Our age could be our downfall in this whole private domestic adoption pursuit.

It felt like someone kicked my stomach when DH told me we were going to be presented to this birth mother. Since we know that she wants a younger couple I do not have much faith that we will be chosen. Every now and again I will think of baby names or check cribs online, but then I have to tell myself that we are a long-shot. It makes me wonder whether it is better to know if your profile is being presented, or whether it is better not knowing to relieve the nervousness. I think I would prefer not knowing, although I guess there is the issue of one always wondering if your agency has forgotten about you. At this point I am hoping for the best, but realizing that we may be too old for this particular birth mother.


DH and I are having a couple over for dinner on Saturday that we used to chum around with while we were dating and newly married. We have drifted apart due to our time in the US and the fact that they had a baby two years ago. They had us over for dinner in January and we wanted to wait until our home study was finished before inviting them. I am also feeling emotionally stronger regarding others with babies and it will be good for us to maintain friendships with couples that have children even if we never do. Must admit that it may be difficult, and I am really scared in case they have a pregnancy announcement (as it took them a long time to confirm a date with us), so I am mentally preparing myself for one. Also, we are prepared to be open and possibly share our hopes for adopting, but I am not prepared to go into our medical history of infertility...of course, after a few glasses of red wine who knows what might come out of my mouth. Hopefully I will get the first floor of our house child proofed before their arrival. Should be interesting.