Finally saw the season finale of 'Big Love' last night. I really sympathised for the character Pam's plight. Thank God my husband is not like hers as he's threatening to leave her because she can't have children. What century is this? What kind of religion would degrade women because they are infertile? Whew! Thank God I'm not Mormon. There's more to marriage than procreation. You can have a family of two.

Throw in the Towel?

Hubby and I are trying to decide when to call it quits with the IUI. We've done three this year and none have been successful. The last one was actually called off as I ovulated on my own and it was too late to do the insemination. Guess we are both frustrated with the situation and going through the process of an IUI, which brings with it a lot of stress and I become an emotional rollercoaster from the hormones. We've been on a 'break' the past couple of months from visiting the RE and doing the needles and sonograms etc. Honestly, I've been really happy and relaxed for the first time in about a year...The last time I felt this great was before my miscarriage in spring 2006. I love my life right now. Sure, I would welcome a baby if that happens naturally, but I don't think I want to go through with more fertility treatments. Also, I'm a bit scared about the long-term effects of the hormones on my body. It would be so much easier if pregnancy would happen easily and naturally like it seems to do to other couples.

Last night I had a meltdown. Although I'm slowly accepting the fact that I will most likely never have a full-term pregnancy, go through childbirth, raise my own biological child, sometimes unexpected news can blindside me. It's usually when my husband brings news of someone in our former social web (we've moved to another city thousands of miles away) who's given birth, or is pregnant. So, last night I found out that one of his former co-workers gave birth to a second child, and two others are pregnant. Guess it's better to do it all at once and have a major meltdown. Lots of tears. Husband tells me he never knows when/how to spring the news on me. He can't understand why I'm not happy for these other couples. Husband doesn't understand that there's a little part of me that will always be sad when I hear this kind of news...especially when it's couples we know. In a way it's much easier to be in a different city as I'll never have to worry about running into them. Alright, they are more my husbands friends than mine.

Being Barren in a Fertile World

I've started this blog as a way to vent my frustrations of being barren in a fertile world. A world where celebrity 'baby-bump' watches are tabloid headlines, and where babies are the latest accessory item. A world where middle-aged celebrities are everywhere sharing all the info on their newest baby(ies)...excluding the tidbit that the baby(ies) exist thanks to a fertility clinic, lots of hormones, and/or an egg donor. This fertile world glorifies 'yummy mummies' and shuns women who have difficulty conceiving or suffer miscarriages.

This blog is a secret. My husband, family and friends do not know about it. I need a place to vent because the topic of infertility makes people uncomfortable and it is still taboo. When was the last time you spoke openly about your infertility at a party?