Pins & Needles & Herbs

Went for my first acupuncture treatment at the end of last week and I'm still feeling wonky. Okay, the whole wonkiness is not really due to the acupuncture itself, rather the herbal remedy the acupuncturist gave to me. Apparently I am to take these nasty tasting pills three times a day until they are finished and then no more. The treatment is apparently supposed to help shrink my tiny fibroid and help with infertility, as well as a list of other varied illnesses. Really. The only problem is that they are making me feel wonky and icky -- of course, that could also be PMS (as my Darling blurted to me yesterday evening).

Apart from the herbs, I love the whole acupuncture thing. There was a tiny amount of pain when he placed the needles, but then a certain amount of warmth if that makes any sense at all. Loved the relaxing asian music playing, but was a tad annoyed at how chatty my acupuncturist is. Afterwards I was incredibly relaxed and mellow and I had the most restful sleep I have had in a long time. Thank God my next appointment is tomorrow because I'm feeling very much like the poster-child of PMS today.

Penny Serenade

Last night I watched the 1940s movie 'Penny Serenade' with Cary Grant and Irene Dunne. Darling Husband was on a business trip so it was me, a tearjerker, and a box of tissue. All barren babes will be able to relate to this movie no matter how outdated it may be. It concerns a couple on the verge of breaking up and their path toward parenthood when fertility treatments did not exist. The word miscarriage is never spoken and yet it is tastefully mentioned, while the yearning for a baby that she can never have is plain to see. Love Cary Grant's speech in the judge's chambers when he tries to stop the judge from taking away their adopted daughter. Tons of tears were flowing. Highly recommend this movie, so be sure to check it out the next time it's on television or get it on Netflix. The adoption process is outdated, but the feelings are timeless.

Fertility Diet

Went to Borders today and bought the book 'Fertility Diet'. Hopefully I'll get around to reading it soon, although I have a big stack of books beside my nightstand that need to be read. Of course, I'm expecting that the acupuncturist will contradict everything the book says. I'm also in the middle of reading a book about healing through a macrobiotic diet. Soooooo....which diet do I choose to try first?

New Path

Yesterday I made an appointment for acupuncture. Tomorrow I will go for a consultation and see what is involved. Hubby is a tad concerned about the cost, but I assume it's no where close to the cost of fertility treatments. Part of me would like to try another IUI, but the big thing holding me back are the hormonal injections and how they make me feel. Here's hoping that the acupuncture will help me feel more balanced and relieve stress. I'm totally ready to take a new path in this adventure.

Boxes in Closets

Here's a wonderful article that appeared in the NY Times on Sunday, January 6, 2008, entitled "The Blank Space in Our Family Album", written by Catherine Macrae Hockmuth. It's a relief to know that I am not the only person that has a box hidden away in the furthest corner of a closet containing 'baby' books. Okay, to be honest the books I have are about struggling with infertility, diets to boost fertility, the old bible 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility' (hahahah), extending your fertility, infertility survival books, copies of 'Conceive' magazine as well as copies of a magazine about adoption.

The box also contains a folder of newspaper clippings of articles regarding, what else but infertility and adoption. It used to contain clippings about decorating nurseries, but I've tossed those. I've also tossed a copy of the magazine 'You're Pregnant!', which I bought when I was about 6 weeks pregnant and before 'it' stopped growing. That magazine just mocked me and my single follicle everytime I opened the box, so out it went. (Secret: sometimes at magazine stands I cover up the pregnancy mags with other periodicals because I can't stand to look at them.)

My box is hidden away in the closet much like my status as a barren babe is to most people we know -- aside from close family and very close friends (mine...hubby finally told his parents my barren babe status at Christmas). I never went as far as buying baby clothes, but we have names picked. The names are kept in my heart and mind, although I've never told anyone or been really possessive about our choices. Alright, I was saddened when a friend named her son the name we had chosen, but who am I to protest since the odds of my husband and I ever using it fades with time.

We also have drawers containing prenatal vitamins, zinc, syringes, some left over medication for IUI in the refrigerator, and a container of used needles underneath the bathroom sink. As of today we are at an impasse as to when to discard these last few items because then it really does signal that we are ending this part of our journey. In my heart I realize this part of the adventure is over, yet I can't actually bring myself to let go of these items.

The article ends with the couple pursuing adoption in China, which has the guarantee of a child at the outcome instead of the heartwrenching uncertainty of fertility treatments. We are still at the crossroads on this decision. Family and close friends suggest adoption, and yet that is not an easly decision, but the box remains in our closet.

Post Holiday Blues

Trying desperately to shake off the blues. Must confess that I was 'late'...almost 30 days late before "Aunt Flo" made a visit last weekend. I tried a couple of home tests but all were negative. Of course, that just makes it worse because I assume that I must be entering perimenopause since I am now in my last year before 40. (God! Did I actually write that number in reference to my age?) It's when 'Aunt Flo' is tardy that I actually start hoping that maybe my lonely follicle produced a healthy egg and was fertilized. Darling Husband tells me to forget about the baby thing and get it off my mind. I'm off the fertility drug train -- no more injecting myself with potentially cancer causing hormones. But, I still have hope that maybe I will have a 'miracle' baby. Am I nuts? Probably. Hope is dangerous because it stops you from moving on. Hope is all I have.

Not Another Celeb Baby Bump

Just read the news that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are expecting their first child. You know you're a barren babe when news of celebrity couples being pregnant fills you with dread. The dread of months of tabloids filled with baby bump watches and entertainment shows noting progress of her pregnancy. This year I vow to boycott tabloid publications because it just isn't worth the pain. No more baby talk.

The Topic was Baby

Over the holidays I found myself somehow seated between two of Darling Husband's former co-workers in a crowded pub. Of course, as one has a one-year-old at home she couldn't resist talking about the baby. Because I am not close to her I really did not care about the baby, and considering my barren babe status I really did not want to hear anyone talk about any baby. So, whenever the subject came up I would grab my drink and stare off into space with a glazed look on my face. It's a bit bitchy, I know, but it's a survival mechanism that really works. I just totally ignored the baby chat and it eventually died down. Do not feed the baby chatter by asking questions, just let it die by ignoring the conversation until it changes to another subject. A bit cold, but it worked! Has anyone else noticed that it is only parents that bring up the subject of babies/children? Other people really do not care about others' children unless they are a close relative or super best friend. So, if you find yourself in the middle of baby talk just look a way with a glazed look on your face...yawn even, but it will get you through. Sometimes you have to be a bitch to survive.

Britney Spears, Oh Dear

Britney Spears leaves me speachless. Here's a young woman who had it all and yet it was not enough, and she could not find happiness. Personally, I was envious of her fertility -- the ability to get pregnant without even thinking about it made me green. Does she have any idea how precious her two young sons are? The answer is obviously no as can be seen through her lacklustre efforts to become a better mother and say no to the partying. Personally, I don't know that she really, truly wants her children. If she were an ordinary person, those kids would never see her. Just because you can biologically have children does not automatically make you parent material.

I Survived Christmas

Yes, I survived the Christmas holidays. Luckily I did not have the discomfort of facing friends with babies/children. Okay, I didn't go out of my way and seek out those people. Rather, my Darling Husband and I have discovered that when some people have a child their priorities change, as they should I suppose. For example, one of DH's old friends from his hometown could not find the time to get together with him for a drink as he must stay close to the baby...or maybe it's that his wife has him on a short leash!!!! As for myself, I honestly did not try to contact a childhood friend who had a baby last year because sometimes the pain sears my heart. I'll be okay in a couple of years when the baby becomes a toddler. But, still, people with a baby do not realize that the world does not revolve around them. Having one is not a justification for letting relationships lapse.