Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Where Did My Optimism Go?

Last night I began my Lupron shots. At this point in time I am an old pro and was surprised by my lack of nervousness. In the past I had been freaked out, but now it's nothing. Oh, by now you've probably guessed that DH and I are preparing for another frozen embryo transfer (FET).

This year we've had three embryo transfers, and for the first I was overflowing with optimism. I was postive that it was going to take. Hours were spent on the internet looking at nurseries, strollers, thinking of names. The second transfer I was still optimistic but not to the extent of the first one -- I did not look up baby stuff on the internet.

For this next FET my optimism walked out the door. It snuck out one night last month while I was sleeping. I can't pinpoint the exact date, but I know it's not there anymore. It's not that I don't welcome getting pregnant, it's just that I feel it's not within my grasp anymore. Maybe it's when we were at the clinic signing the consent forms and I noticed that we only have a 25% chance of it working. That hit me like a ton of bricks, and ever since that time I feel blah.

There is a sliver of optimism somewhere in my spirit that pushes me forward and compels me to try another FET. But, the reality of our situation is sinking in and I find myself starting to make plans for our life without a baby (our Plan B) and also trying to justfiy another FET if this next one doesn't stick. Wish I could shake the blahs and get my happy, optimistic side back.


IVF 40+ said...

wow, I think we are all in the same boat right now. This is such a demanding emotional thing we are all engaged in.
maybe being guarded is the best way through? Who knows.
Whatever and however you feel, I'll be here with you.

musicmakermomma said...

Sorry you are in this place, fortunately you don't have to be all optimistic for it to work!

How many embies do you have left? 25% seems really low to me, is that with only one transferred? Thinking of you as you start this process once again - crazy to be such veterans! I know what you mean about the shots, though; my first cycle I just freaked out, now I just stab myself and move on...