Where Did My Optimism Go?

Last night I began my Lupron shots. At this point in time I am an old pro and was surprised by my lack of nervousness. In the past I had been freaked out, but now it's nothing. Oh, by now you've probably guessed that DH and I are preparing for another frozen embryo transfer (FET).

This year we've had three embryo transfers, and for the first I was overflowing with optimism. I was postive that it was going to take. Hours were spent on the internet looking at nurseries, strollers, thinking of names. The second transfer I was still optimistic but not to the extent of the first one -- I did not look up baby stuff on the internet.

For this next FET my optimism walked out the door. It snuck out one night last month while I was sleeping. I can't pinpoint the exact date, but I know it's not there anymore. It's not that I don't welcome getting pregnant, it's just that I feel it's not within my grasp anymore. Maybe it's when we were at the clinic signing the consent forms and I noticed that we only have a 25% chance of it working. That hit me like a ton of bricks, and ever since that time I feel blah.

There is a sliver of optimism somewhere in my spirit that pushes me forward and compels me to try another FET. But, the reality of our situation is sinking in and I find myself starting to make plans for our life without a baby (our Plan B) and also trying to justfiy another FET if this next one doesn't stick. Wish I could shake the blahs and get my happy, optimistic side back.