It's Always Good To Have A 'Plan B'

This was supposed to be a joyful post, but unfortunately it's not. Two days ago I went for blood work and the results were positive: my beta was 44 and, according to the nurse, anything above 30 was good. I was really expecting a negative so I was in shock for most of the day while walking around in a daze. By evening DH had convinced me that this was the one...it had finally worked. I kept reminding him that we should wait for the second blood test, but DH was positive it was going to go up because...the embryo wasn't from my egg (thanks Honey!!!). He told his parents, and I phoned my Mother and told her but warned that we still had to wait for more bloodwork because it could go down.

Yesterday I went for a walk to get some fresh air and actually opened my heart to let in a bit of hope. I started thinking about a baby growing inside of me and whether I should breastfeed considering the micro-calcifications in one of my breasts. DH and I talked about what the next nine months to a year might bring. His optimism was contagious.

This morning I went for the second blood test and waited all morning for a phone call. I even took that phone with me to the bathroom because I was so afraid of missing the call. Well, I finally got the call just after lunch and it wasn't good news -- I could tell by the tone of the nurse's voice. My beta has dropped to 35 today, and they want to see if it goes up again so I'm scheduled to go back for more blood work in three days. The nurse said there's a small possibility of it going back up again. Has anyone heard of that happening? I couldn't ask many questions because my voice was cracking as I was holding back tears. After having a good cry I can't help but wonder why my body keeps rejecting embryos, and was there something I did to make it not want to stay in my uterus?

At this point I feel numb and can't concentrate enough to read or watch television. But, I am thankful that DH and I came up with a Plan B (to go away this weekend) just in case the results were negative . Thoughts of this getaway are getting me through my sadness. It's always good to have a Plan B.

Facebook Blues

Am I a glutton for pain, or what? For some strange reason I found myself lurking on Facebook and checking out profiles filled with baby/child photos. Arghhh! I must stop this madness. Dammit. Why do I do this to myself?

The Wait Continues

It's been six days and so far I don't really feel anything. With the ectopic last March my breasts were sore and hurt, and now I sometimes squeeze them just in case I've missed some kind of pain. No constipation, no tiredness, but I am bloated and feel very PMSy -- perhaps from the estrogen and progesterone in my system.

Update on life with my Mother. While talking on the phone with her today she asked: "Did you get that shot-thing yet?" I really had to hold myself back from laughing out loud while replying that I had it a week ago tomorrow. Hmmm, let's see, I told her a few days before it happened and a day after it happened and then I get this question. Either she's not listening, paying attention, or early stages of dementia have befallen her. For all I know she could have been referring to the H1N1flu vaccine, which hasn't arrived in our area yet.

Life goes on.

The Wait Begins

Went for the FET yesterday, and I was annoyed by the 45 minute wait to sign in. On the drive there I had DH put in a relaxing CD of Pachelbel's Canon in D and I was so relaxed I thought I might nod off. After fifteen minutes sitting in the clinic's waiting room my relaxed state began wearing off. Maybe it had something to do with a patient having a conversation loud enough for us to hear, not to mention hearing someone at the front desk talk to a patient about their insurance coverage over the phone, which we could hear well enough to feel uncomfortable about knowing another patient's private information. Perhaps the clinic should invest in a reception area with clear glass to keep things private. After 25 minutes I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise and decided to wait outside the clinic as it was actually more quiet in the hallway.

I don't know why they were running so far behind, but I just wish they had phoned us to let us know not to come for another 30 minutes. Of course, my blood pressure was high when they initially took it because I was annoyed and impatient. The upside is that one of the embryos was 8 cells and the other 7 cells, which is higher than our last FET. So, apart from the long wait, the transfer went well.

For the past 24 hours I have been curious about every little 'pain' that I might feel down there. Of course, it's probably just gas but you never know. I'm trying to stay positive, but also trying to prepare myself in case it's a negative. And so the agonizing wait begins.

The Count Down Begins

Today DH and I paid a visit to the clinic for a 'pre-op' in preparation for next week's frozen embryo transfer (FET). Crazy, but the part I hate the most is getting on the scales to be weighed, so I kindly ask the nurse not to say the number, because if I don't hear it then it doesn't exist. Second part is the blood pressure, which was lower that it's been in weeks...perhaps it's because I closed my eyes and thought of waterfalls on the Road to Hana in Maui. The internal ultrasound was as enjoyable as any can be, but we did discover that my uterine lining is 1cm (and I'm usually a 7mm girl).

The doctor gave us an informal lecture on the importance of getting a flu shot at this time due to the prevalence of the H1N1 strain, and stressed how it negatively affects pregnant women. I really hadn't planned on getting one as I was going to wait and see if the FET worked, but he emphasized that I should get a regular flu shot and then one for H1N1 and that they shouldn't be given at the same time. So, DH and I promptly paid a visit to Safeway pharmacy and each got a shot. After all the needles put into my body this year I was an old-pro, but I did have to coach DH who was never vaccinated as a child (honest -- MIL claims he was allergic). As of this time he's had no adverse reaction, meanwhile I felt a bit dopey afterwards...hmm, or maybe that's because of all the estrogen in my body.

Today I also decided to tell my Mother that we're doing another FET and that I got a flu shot. I got more of a response from her about the flu shot than I did about the FET. Not surprising coming from the woman who told me, "I don't know why you bother trying anymore," after our last (unsucessful) FET last July. Oh, well, just thought I'd keep her up-to-date with my life. Thank God there are hundreds of miles between us.

The date is set for next Wednesday. So, here's hoping I can remain relaxed, and 'loosey goosey' as DH calls it, for the next two weeks so my blood pressure doesn't spike.