Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It's Always Good To Have A 'Plan B'

This was supposed to be a joyful post, but unfortunately it's not. Two days ago I went for blood work and the results were positive: my beta was 44 and, according to the nurse, anything above 30 was good. I was really expecting a negative so I was in shock for most of the day while walking around in a daze. By evening DH had convinced me that this was the one...it had finally worked. I kept reminding him that we should wait for the second blood test, but DH was positive it was going to go up because...the embryo wasn't from my egg (thanks Honey!!!). He told his parents, and I phoned my Mother and told her but warned that we still had to wait for more bloodwork because it could go down.

Yesterday I went for a walk to get some fresh air and actually opened my heart to let in a bit of hope. I started thinking about a baby growing inside of me and whether I should breastfeed considering the micro-calcifications in one of my breasts. DH and I talked about what the next nine months to a year might bring. His optimism was contagious.

This morning I went for the second blood test and waited all morning for a phone call. I even took that phone with me to the bathroom because I was so afraid of missing the call. Well, I finally got the call just after lunch and it wasn't good news -- I could tell by the tone of the nurse's voice. My beta has dropped to 35 today, and they want to see if it goes up again so I'm scheduled to go back for more blood work in three days. The nurse said there's a small possibility of it going back up again. Has anyone heard of that happening? I couldn't ask many questions because my voice was cracking as I was holding back tears. After having a good cry I can't help but wonder why my body keeps rejecting embryos, and was there something I did to make it not want to stay in my uterus?

At this point I feel numb and can't concentrate enough to read or watch television. But, I am thankful that DH and I came up with a Plan B (to go away this weekend) just in case the results were negative . Thoughts of this getaway are getting me through my sadness. It's always good to have a Plan B.


IVF 40+ said...

I am so so sorry to read your news. My heart goes out to you and your DH. I hope peace of mind finds you soon.
Thinking of you. EB

maxandzuzu said...

I'm so sorry about the beta drop. It does feel like an eternity waiting for that call. Do go away if you can. More blood work is going to bring more waiting and stress. My advice is to assume it's negative now. But we all know that it is not negative in our head until we get the call. The waiting is the worst. I'll keep you in my prayers.


Gina said...

I am so very sorry about the beta drop. Those words are never easy to hear, bug hugs to you.