Just a Few More Days

Just a few more days and Christmas will be over for another year. It has been incredibly difficult this year and I have been full of sadness this past week.

We went for our first visit with our adoption practitioner, who is wonderful, on a snowy morning last week. Of course, I cried going over my history and losses, but the most difficult part was when she warned us that there aren't that many babies put up for adoption in our province. In fact, it's gone down considerably in the past five to ten years. She did tell us there are other avenues to take such as international adoption or adopting from the Children's Aid Society. Then she gave us piles of forms and information an inch thick. I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness as Christmas approaches. The adoption process feels like it is moving further from our grasp the more we proceed.

DH and I avoided an open house on Sunday at a couple's home whom we knew from when we were dating; DH was friend's with the wife and I am not keen on her since she freaked out that we were going to choose the same wedding date as they did 8yrs ago, so we chose the the week after and this couple chose to skip our wedding and go on their honeymoon instead, oh, and they also married in a church that neither attended just because it 'looked good'. They have two children and wrote a sugary newsletter for Christmas. Why do people like this have children easily? Why?

I will be so happy when Christmas is over.

Christmas Time Again

It's Christmas time again. I was over-the-top excited at the end of November when one local radio station began to play Christmas music 24/7 and I put up our new Christmas tree. But, the blues is starting to creep in. Perhaps it's the endless nights and lack of sunshine, or maybe it's the way the holiday cheer seems to highlight who or what is missing from one's life, but Christmas can be tragic, sad, and happy all at once. There's a radio promo from a new-mum excited about her baby's first Christmas that started it. Then I went shopping at the mall and was taken aback by all the little babies in carriages and strollers. The craziest part is hearing Christmas music with references to baby Jesus and I get emotional with the baby references. It's my pity-party this Christmas because I should have had a baby at this point, but no one is paying any attention to this but me.

On the adoption front we are meeting with our adoption practitioner tomorrow as we are about to start the home study. Hope all goes well. We attended an information session at an international adoption agency about three weeks ago. Not sure if this is the route we are to take, but hopefully our practitioner can offer words of advice. We've also signed up for the PRIDE course that starts this winter. I am a bit scared by the uncertainty of adoption. We are doing all we can in our power, but this does not guarantee we will be parents in a year or two and the uncertainty may drive me crazy.

Since this is our first winter with snow in five years I've been obsessive about shoveling the front steps and driveway. A couple of weeks ago, as I was sprinkling some ice melt stuff on the driveway, our next door neighbor came over and introduced herself. She mentioned how we must find the house so big since it's just the two of us. Well, I decided I was going to upfront and honest, so I told her that we are hoping to adopt. Her face lit up and she exclaimed that her two teenage children are adopted (from Russia) and that another family two houses down have two adopted teenage daughters from China. We had a big chat about adoption and I met her son who gave me his two cents on being adopted. Guess fate meant for us to buy this house on this street.