Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Last night I had a major meltdown with DH. He wants to move back to the city we lived before, and, well, I'm really happy where we are and he's not. Guess it's because most of our infertility struggles were there and all the married friends have babies. That's the big one: every couple that married the same year as us is on their second child and I feel like we don't belong because we don't have children. Add on to that the several years we lived in a huge, empty house in the suburbs -- because I was convinced I'd get pregnant as soon as we'd start trying!! Empty bedrooms that can only be filled with hobbies and knick-knacks are a black hole of sadness. Anyway, many tears were shed during the meltdown and I even started blabbering about trying another IUI for 'old times sake'...Really...My hormones must be manic right now...Was I really serious that I wanted to try another IUI? Do I really want to pump endless amounts of hormones into my body? Why is it that every time I get sad or feel depressed I begin to think of the one thing I will never be able to achieve/have? The moment of clarity is when I realize that I use this as a scapegoat for all my worries and problems: "If I had a baby then all would be right with the world." I must remember that happiness and contentment lie within myself, and that it is only when I look and focus 'within' that I will truly be happy. A baby will not make me happy. I must remember this the next time I feel headed to a meltdown.