The Saga Continues

Today I am going to the clinic to have one of those fun internal sonograms to check if I have an ectopic pregnancy because my beta from Friday was 200. I am full of so many emotions. When I went for blood work this morning they didn't have my requisition and asked me what I was there for...yeah, I was close to tears but I didn't let one salty wet one fall down my cheek. I cried Saturday when I discovered the beta number, but I really do not want to cry again over this. Through with tears. I want this whole thing to be finished and, crazy enough, I am hoping for a shot of methotrexate -- even though I have no pain or spotting, just a beta that went from 30 to 200 in a week. DH and I joked last night that maybe I have a rogue embryo that will not go down without a fight. Please let my beta fall...

Cleaning

It's funny that when I'm feeling down about stuff I completely let our place get messy. For the past few weeks I've let the dust stay on furniture, magazines and newspapers are piled all over the living room, and I've forgotten where the Hoover is located. Perhaps it's good to just take a break from these household chores and focus on myself. Sometimes it's okay to hurt and be sad, but today I am going to clean and prepare for the next round of ivf. We go to the clinic tomorrow to see if the hcg is at zero and try and schedule the whole "show".

Retail Therapy & Venting

Last weekend Darling Husband and I went away for a couple of nights to the big city. It was just what I needed. In fact, I asked my RE if it was okay to have a glass of wine since this was a chemical pregnancy coming down, and he said, "Sure! Have three or four if you feel like it." Have I mentioned he's the best (and my favorite) doctor I have ever gone to?

Nothing like a bit of retail therapy to fix up a woman feeling low. Since DH and I have decided to try a 'frozen' cycle* next month, I showed restraint and shopped only the sales racks and picked up jeans and a couple of pretty tops for spring. Unfortunately, my luck struck out when it came to finding shoes. It always feels good to get new clothes that aren't tainted with sad memories. You know, when you see a shirt and it reminds you of old doctors appointments etc.

With spirts high, DH and I decided to go to a small French restaurant for dinner. We ordered a bottle of Burgundy (can't remember the name, but it was very good) and as we were enjoying the wine I spotted the baby. A couple came in with a baby in a carrier. The hostess tried seating them away in a corner far from the other tables, but the couple didn't like the table and insisted on moving closer to everyone else. Of course, the baby was directly in my view from where I was sitting. I thought I was going to lose it...luckily DH offered to switch seats with me and after a few swigs of wine I was alright...until the baby started crying. I must admit that I hate when couples bring small babies to fine restaurants. If DH and I are ever lucky enough to have a baby we will avoid finer dining establishments and stick with the ones where children out-number adults. Besides, a baby in a French restaurant???

Can't Win For Losing

Last weekend I was a walking zombie. Darling Husband and I took a daytrip which helped alleviate my spirit, but I couldn't shake the numbness. I would stare into space while my eyes glazed over. It took a while to absorb the fact that maybe I am really not meant to be pregnant. Perhaps my body rejects anything that tries to live in my uterus. Maybe it's sending 'embryos not welcome here' vibes. For the past few years I have been blaming my worn out/past date eggs, when it might have been my unwelcoming uterus.

Today I decided to shake the funky mood and be happy for what I have. So, I went for a walk and soaked in some vitamin D from the sunshine, played upbeat music, and embraced life. I was so over the top happy when DH came home from work that I think I shocked him. Then, perhaps because I was so upbeat, he mentioned talking to some friends from back home who are looking at buying a big home. Hmmmm...why do they want a huge house when they've got a funky loft? Of course, it came out that they are expecting a child. Tears were shed, but I didn't feel as devastated as I usually do in these situations. It just goes to show you how when you think you've kicked the funky blues, something comes along to shoot you back down again.


(Here's the chorus to the Brooks & Dunn song 'Cowgirls Don't Cry' that I downloaded from itunes -- yeah, a country song -- that helped me today:
Cowgirls don't cry, ride, baby, ride
Lessons in life are gonna show you in time
Soon enough you gonna know why
It's gonna hurt every now and then
If you fall get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry.)

Over Now

Just got a call from the clinic today and my hcg is 54. Although it has just about doubled in 48hrs, apparently it is not growing fast enough for the doctor and we are to stop the medication tonight. It hasn't hit me yet as I am still confused how two days ago the doctor thought it might be rising slowly and today the number is not viable. DH and I are very confused. I am to go in for more bloodwork in four days. Is there any miracle that this could survive without progesterone? Sadness is hitting me. Think I need some retail therapy as a distraction. Although, if we are doing a frozen cycle after this one I'm not sure if I can afford to buy anything outside the sales racks...

Limbo

Yesterday I went for another blood test and my hcg was 28 and the doctor suspects that it could be a 'slow riser'. So, we're continuing with the medication and DH and I are living in limbo as to whether it will indeed continue growing. I'm trying to chill out and not think about it because there is nothing I can do about it.

Just a Little Pregnant...But, Not Enough

Just got the call from the clinic regarding my blood work this morning as it has been 11 days since the embryo transfer. So, it seems that my HCG level is only at 17when it should be at least 50. Let's see...that means I am technically pregnant but not enough.

Yes, it's the dreaded biochemical pregnancy. I've had one before after my first IUI that started as a 'biochemical' and then scarily evolved into an ectopic as the HCG numbers climbed erratically and I had light bleeding and pain. A shot of methotrexate ended that one.

I am praying that this 'not quite' pregnancy does NOT become an ectopic pregnancy. Crazy as it sounds, I really would like to start another IVF with a couple of the frozen embryos.

But, until we get the lab results from Wednesday's blood test, it's back to the progesterone shots.