Monday, March 9, 2009

Can't Win For Losing

Last weekend I was a walking zombie. Darling Husband and I took a daytrip which helped alleviate my spirit, but I couldn't shake the numbness. I would stare into space while my eyes glazed over. It took a while to absorb the fact that maybe I am really not meant to be pregnant. Perhaps my body rejects anything that tries to live in my uterus. Maybe it's sending 'embryos not welcome here' vibes. For the past few years I have been blaming my worn out/past date eggs, when it might have been my unwelcoming uterus.

Today I decided to shake the funky mood and be happy for what I have. So, I went for a walk and soaked in some vitamin D from the sunshine, played upbeat music, and embraced life. I was so over the top happy when DH came home from work that I think I shocked him. Then, perhaps because I was so upbeat, he mentioned talking to some friends from back home who are looking at buying a big home. Hmmmm...why do they want a huge house when they've got a funky loft? Of course, it came out that they are expecting a child. Tears were shed, but I didn't feel as devastated as I usually do in these situations. It just goes to show you how when you think you've kicked the funky blues, something comes along to shoot you back down again.

(Here's the chorus to the Brooks & Dunn song 'Cowgirls Don't Cry' that I downloaded from itunes -- yeah, a country song -- that helped me today:
Cowgirls don't cry, ride, baby, ride
Lessons in life are gonna show you in time
Soon enough you gonna know why
It's gonna hurt every now and then
If you fall get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry.)


Anonymous said...

You are doing fine - please don't beat yourself up for feeling up and down. It is NORMAL feel depressed, you just lost a baby. I had a "chemical" pg too last cycle, and the ambiguity is so awful. I hope you have good support and can get through the next days ok - have you tried shopping (there's always a sale somewhere)?

Don't make any huge life decisions right now, there is plenty of time when you are feeling less fragile. I am not meaning to be full of a$$vice - hoping it gets easier soon. Good luck.

Arpee said...

Hey... I'm trying to catch up after being away for some time.

I'm so sorry that this did not work out for you. Big, big, hugs....

I wish you comfort and peace, and when you are ready, to have the wisdom to decide on your next steps.