Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's That Time of the Year Again

Yes, it's the holiday time. DH's work Christmas party is this evening and we have a 7am flight tomorrow to go back home for a week for Christmas and all that jazz. Our bed is full of my clothes because I can't get my act together to figure out what I want to pack. Any piece of clothing I wear in front of my Mother will be criticized and this year I don't care. What irks me is that the majority of my sweaters are tighter than they were a year ago thanks to hormones and the two pregnancy losses. Ughhhh. I really don't feel like dressing up and painting on a smile for the Christmas party...thinking about bailing.

A couple of weeks ago we got my bloodwork results and it turns out I am 'borderline' protein S deficient. In layman terms, this protein is a natural blood thinner and if you're deficient then your blood has a propensity to clotting. It runs in families and 'lucky' me got it (1 in 20,000), so I have an increased risk of deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism and repeated pregnancy loss. I really wish I had known this when we were starting our trying to conceive journey, but because it is so rare -- and the tests are expensive -- it is only tested after repeated pregnancy loss. So, I'm just feeling a bit down about my genetics and why I have to have this. I'm really beginning to think that God does not want me to have children since I've been given so many obstacles to overcome. First it's crappy eggs and then it's a genetic 'mutation' that won't allow me to stay pregnant. Needless to mention I won't be setting foot inside a church this season because I just don't have that much faith left in me.

An old friend from back home sent me a facebook invitation to a high school reunion over Christmas. Thinking about being around all those old friends and their kids made my stomach churn. I had to send my regrets. I'm just not strong enough this year...not with everything that's happened. In fact, this year I just signed our names to our Christmas cards. No messages...just couldn't do it. Sent them two and a half weeks ago and so far we have received two. Guess the others are too busy trying to write their 'year in review' letters.

And it's the time of year of annoying jewelry store commercials on television. The Kay one with the husband and wife and newborn really offended me when the husband mentioned it was their first year as a 'family'. So, does that mean that DH and I are not a family since we don't have children? I can't watch it and have to turn the channel whenever it pops up.

Here's to all the Barren Babes out there as we bravely make our way to holiday festivities. Keep your head up, paint a smile on your face, and drink a toast to better days ahead.


Suzanne said...

Thank you so very much for writing this post. You have captured exactly how I feel. I hate that Kay commercial with the husband and wife and newborn! It made me want to run crying from the room! I feel the same way as you do, so DH and I aren't a family? Hmmm... My DH is so funny. He was criticizing how the man in that commercial was too lazy to wrap the gift! LOL. Hang in there, honey, and I'll do the same.

LCP said...

I have the same blood clotting issues as you. My RE treated me with heparin. I was able to get pregnant quickly (after 2 years of treatments) with a medicated IUI. I haven't read your backstory yet, so I hope I don't upset you, but I wanted to let you know that it is easily treated and sometimes is the main reason for some women's 'unknown' IF. And heparin is relatively cheap. Sorry to butt in but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone ;-).

Phoebe said...

I'll drink to that!!

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maxandzuzu said...

Just had to weigh in on this one even though it's late. You couldn't have said it better. No one seems to consider parties of two a "family" unless there is a child somewhere in that mix. It's a very difficult place to be.