One week to go until our final frozen embryo transfer. I started the new year feeling optimistic that no matter what happens DH and I have each other and we will have a wonderful year and decade. There is a finality to this FET, but I like knowing that this will be our last try before the decision is thrust upon us; a sense of control in the out of control universe that is infertility.
Yes, everything was going smoothly until I increased my estrogen...then my loopy, emotionally unstable personality emerged from hiding. I definitely will not be missing this side of fertility treatment. Yesterday I had a meltdown at a department store: saleswoman was nasty to me, then I had to wait 30 minutes for the seamstress who then told me she couldn't shorten the coat sleeves because they had cuffs. Yes, I was that crazy woman crying in my husband's arms in the winter coats section. The silver lining is that I found an even better coat at Nordstrom's where the saleswoman was super friendly and most helpful. Guess the moral is that I should not be in malls while under the influence of high doses of estrogen.
This morning while waiting for the coffeemaker to brew my decaf the phone rings and I notice it's my parents number. Strange because my Mother never phones in the morning. Never. Something is wrong. I pick up the receiver and she tells me she has bad news. My stomach drops and I bravely ask who it is while thinking which elderly relative it might be. Then she proceeds to tell me it's my 50 year old cousin who dropped dead of a heart attack last night. I was in shock. Although I haven't seen him in a couple of years, he was always slim and in good spirits. He definitely lived life to the fullest, but what we put into life is not alway what we get back from it. Life is unfair and I was a weepy mess this morning. DH had lunch with me and I went to the gym for some therapy on the treadmill -- honestly, 2 miles on the treadmill can get your mind off anything.
This is my life at the moment. I really want to be home with my family at this time, but it's thousands of miles away and we just flew back from there last week, plus I have a FET scheduled for next week. Guess I have to suck it up and be strong...but I really want to sit down and cry.