Thursday, January 7, 2010

Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster

One week to go until our final frozen embryo transfer. I started the new year feeling optimistic that no matter what happens DH and I have each other and we will have a wonderful year and decade. There is a finality to this FET, but I like knowing that this will be our last try before the decision is thrust upon us; a sense of control in the out of control universe that is infertility.

Yes, everything was going smoothly until I increased my estrogen...then my loopy, emotionally unstable personality emerged from hiding. I definitely will not be missing this side of fertility treatment. Yesterday I had a meltdown at a department store: saleswoman was nasty to me, then I had to wait 30 minutes for the seamstress who then told me she couldn't shorten the coat sleeves because they had cuffs. Yes, I was that crazy woman crying in my husband's arms in the winter coats section. The silver lining is that I found an even better coat at Nordstrom's where the saleswoman was super friendly and most helpful. Guess the moral is that I should not be in malls while under the influence of high doses of estrogen.

This morning while waiting for the coffeemaker to brew my decaf the phone rings and I notice it's my parents number. Strange because my Mother never phones in the morning. Never. Something is wrong. I pick up the receiver and she tells me she has bad news. My stomach drops and I bravely ask who it is while thinking which elderly relative it might be. Then she proceeds to tell me it's my 50 year old cousin who dropped dead of a heart attack last night. I was in shock. Although I haven't seen him in a couple of years, he was always slim and in good spirits. He definitely lived life to the fullest, but what we put into life is not alway what we get back from it. Life is unfair and I was a weepy mess this morning. DH had lunch with me and I went to the gym for some therapy on the treadmill -- honestly, 2 miles on the treadmill can get your mind off anything.

This is my life at the moment. I really want to be home with my family at this time, but it's thousands of miles away and we just flew back from there last week, plus I have a FET scheduled for next week. Guess I have to suck it up and be strong...but I really want to sit down and cry.


maxandzuzu said...

Go ahead and cry. You deserve it. This is a roller coaster. Life and death seems to happen at the most unexpected times. Perhaps you will be the barer of life this year. Whatever happens, life definitely isn't fair. Try to remain positive while your trying to get a positive.

Those drugs are nasty nasty things. I can't even imagine a death in the family on top of it all. Progesterone was the drug that made me crazy. Crazy depressed. My mind was all over the place.

My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, your transfer is only days away. How many embryos are you transferring?

Katedaphne said...

I'm really sorry about your cousin. I lost my 49-yr-old cousin last month similarly -- sudden heart attack. We think it may be flu-related but don't know yet. Such a shock, and on top of everything else... Go ahead and have that cry. It doesn't mean you aren't being strong. It means you know what you need.

Elisabeth said...

KandiB said...

Crying is okay! You're going through a ton of stuff (shortening sleeves on a coat is tough stuff! Just kidding :)

Honestly, though, give yourself some allowance. You've got all those extra hormones, you're not feeling well, there's the future to think about (or not).

We're thinking of you and praying that this one works.