Thursday, August 11, 2011

Moments of Weakness

Dinner last Saturday went well. While drinking a glass of red wine I decided to reveal our adoption plans. Actually I was asked what I had been up to these days and asked DH if I should tell them about our 'project', and then I told them we are thinking of adopting.

The two of them were very excited and happy for us. Then I had to keep reinforcing that even though we are hoping to adopt we may not end up adopting because not many women choose an adoption plan for their babies. We were asked how we came to this decision and then I revealed our previous pregnancy losses...that was difficult and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. She then told me about her own miscarriage a few years before their son was born so she said she could understand our feelings of loss. They asked questions about the adoption process, but I am not sure they quite understood it because they kept asking why we were focusing on 'local' adoption and I was confused.

I was nervous bringing our hopes for adoption out in the open, although the red wine did help. Infertility was glossed over and I just mentioned that we had undergone some fertility treatments that were successful but ended in pregnancy loss. The clinics and fertility treatments are topics I would rather leave in the past and not be required to tell friends in detail. After they left with their little boy I felt a huge sigh of relief because it felt so freeing to tell people this aspect of our life that we had hidden from view. My only hope is that they do not become like my friend A who begins each conversation with "So, anything new with the adoption?" And I must go through the whole process over and over again.

Even though I felt wonderful emotionally this week thanks to opening up about our adoption quest, I did have a moment of weakness today when I was getting groceries. Beginning in the produce section I noticed the young mother with a toddler son and a baby. From that point it was my mission to avoid them, but it seemed like just as soon as I had forgotten about them there they would be coming down the aisle. Then when I was in the baking aisle and there was another mother and her two beautiful toddlers and then the first mother walked by singing to her baby. I looked away as my eyes began to water but I told myself I was NOT going to cry in the grocery store, so I tried to finish the groceries as fast as I could while avoiding these two women and their children. It seems that just when I think I am strong and over sad thoughts that is when I am vulnerable. At least I did not have a meltdown at the grocery store.


Nicole said...

congrats on being able to take that huge step of talking to people about your adoption plans! That's awesome. I know it can be hard when they don't really get it all, but I am sure it is nice to have it out there in the open with more people.

I think it is also really smart to be putting the infertility part behind you. Way to be moving forward with life!

It Is What It Is said...

I am glad you felt a measure of relief in being able to share your plans.

We are entering month 10 of our adoption wait and I remember glad to talk about it way back when, too. I will say, that it is very similar to ART in that those who know can't help but ask how things are coming along. It does get to be a drag because unlike with ART when there was seemingly always something to report (follicles, eggs retrieved, fert report, embryos growing out, embryos transferred, etc) with adoption once your 'file' is complete and your home study is approved there truly is nothing to report until there is something to report (which can be months at a stretch or longer).

And, I am not sure that IF can be put behind one. I think it is like any other part of one's life story (I had my appendix out, I'm right handed, I'm infertile) and even though we stopped ART 2 years ago, it still comes up in ways I wouldn't have imagined.

I don't say any of this to detract from your journey but more as somethings to file away...

Suzanne said...

I'm so glad that you shared your adoption news and that it was met with enthusiasm and support :)

I know what you mean about thinking that you feel strong one moment and then feeling weak the next. It happens to me all the time.

AmyG said...

I'm so glad that conversation went well, and I'm not surprised that proceeding on this path has intensified your feelings all around. I REALLY hope people in your life quickly come to understand how slowly adoption processes move and just politely wait for you to share news as it comes up. I mean, C'MON people!