Thursday, July 1, 2010

Meltdown

This past week has been a rocky road for me as everday brings a new emotional rollercoaster. One hour I'm happy with life and the next I'm crying. I'm blaming hormones as I quit them a week ago and started bleeding three days ago.

Last hour I had a meltdown when I received a call from an RN at our health insurance provider offering a pre-natal service over the phone for if/when I get pregnant. I thanked her and told her we are no longer doing fertility treatments, but I would use the service if I suddenly were to find myself pregnant. She then mentioned that we could try adopting because she had heard stories of women who had adopted and then found themselves pregnant. (ARGHHHHHHHH!!!) Well, I told her that DH and I are in adoption limbo: we are Canadians living in the US (as DH tries to climb the corporate ladder); because we aren't American citizens we cannot adopt in the US or use an American adoption agency for a foreign adoption; but, on the other hand we cannot adopt in Canada, or use a Canadian adoption agency for a foreign adoption, because we don't currently reside in Canada (this is only available to Canadians overseas in the military or diplomatic service, NOT to those in the business world). At this point my voice started cracking and then it went downhill when I told her about my miscarriage a few months ago. Yes, I cried on the phone to a complete stranger. Oh, boy...still can't believe I did that. In the end I did manage to pull myself together and ask about getting my acupuncture covered as it is not covered if it is for fertility, but she did tell me to try and get them to start a new chart for me under 'general well being'. Hmmm, so acupuncture for something specific like fertility is not covered while acupuncture for 'general well being' is. Crazy.

The meltdown I just mentioned is an example of how my mental state has been this past week. DH has seemed to bounce right back. He was sad when I told him, but he's been trying to keep my mind, and his, off of things by organizing a trip away this weekend. We're off to the City and a bit of retail therapy, and since my waistline isn't quite back to normal yet thanks to all the hormones I will concentrate on shoes and bags. Plus, there's nothing like a hotel room for bringing out the amorous side. It will be wonderful to get away from the mundane details of life for a couple of days.

This past week DH has booked us a flight back to Canada to visit family later in July as he has meetings in the Canadian office at that time. No problem since I'm not pregnant. He's also contacted a realtor there about looking at houses while we're there. Whoa. This is a lot to absorb the week after my negative pregnancy test and deciding to end fertility treatments. I still can't think straight. I guess if we did move back then we could possibly look into adoption, although at 41 I'm not sure what our chances are of adopting a baby/young child. My head is still spinning and DH hasn't even asked his boss yet if he can transfer to the Canadian office. The dilemna is that DH's visa expires in 13 months so we need to know whether to start the Green Card apppication now or pack our things and transfer back.

Yes, this past week has been crazy for me. I've been trying to lose myself in cleaning therapy and movie therapy, both of which help me immensely. It's just that I'm coping with a number of things at once and trying to keep my head above water. Guess I'll just keep treading.

7 comments:

inBetween said...

Agh, I'm so sorry. The only thing I can think of to try and help is that, from my own experience recovering from a miscarriage and now standing one day away from the end of my fertility treatments, is that it will only get better. It can't really get worse on the IF front. It might take a while before it starts to get better, but it will. I cling to this concept myself and really hope it is true.

Sonja said...

*hugs* Wishing you peace.

Suzanne said...

You're really going through a lot right now. I won't worry too much about crying on the phone to a complete stranger. Why oh why do people always have to bring up adoption like they think we have never even thought of it before? Aargh!!! Sweetie, you're in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS!!!

Illanare said...

Thinking of you.

AmyG said...

I can't believe an RN who works in prenatal care actually said that. There's NO evidence about adoption facilitating conception.

Good for you for telling her about your situation. I hope it was cathartic. People need to know the snarly truth about IF. And I hope you and DH can reconcile the geography/family building streams soon.

And happy belated Canada Day!

Silver said...

Good grief - I wish I cleaned when I was stressed! A far more productive reaction that eating and watching endless tv, which seems to be my thing! I really interested to hear what conclusion you come to about returning home - it sounds like it might be a good move.

ApronStringsEm said...

Wow ... that is a LOT to absorb. I'm so sorry that everything has crowded in all at once.

As an RN case manager who has worked at a health insurance plan, I hope that the RN that spoke to you was empathetic (although I totally HATE the whole "adoption" comment). Also, if acupuncture is covered for "general well being" ... let's just have the acupuncturist bill your insurance company with a "generalized" diagnosis rather than a specific one. That should hopefully get it covered ...

Anyway, just letting you know I'm thinking of you and hope that the two of you enjoy some much-needed time together.