Meltdown

This past week has been a rocky road for me as everday brings a new emotional rollercoaster. One hour I'm happy with life and the next I'm crying. I'm blaming hormones as I quit them a week ago and started bleeding three days ago.

Last hour I had a meltdown when I received a call from an RN at our health insurance provider offering a pre-natal service over the phone for if/when I get pregnant. I thanked her and told her we are no longer doing fertility treatments, but I would use the service if I suddenly were to find myself pregnant. She then mentioned that we could try adopting because she had heard stories of women who had adopted and then found themselves pregnant. (ARGHHHHHHHH!!!) Well, I told her that DH and I are in adoption limbo: we are Canadians living in the US (as DH tries to climb the corporate ladder); because we aren't American citizens we cannot adopt in the US or use an American adoption agency for a foreign adoption; but, on the other hand we cannot adopt in Canada, or use a Canadian adoption agency for a foreign adoption, because we don't currently reside in Canada (this is only available to Canadians overseas in the military or diplomatic service, NOT to those in the business world). At this point my voice started cracking and then it went downhill when I told her about my miscarriage a few months ago. Yes, I cried on the phone to a complete stranger. Oh, boy...still can't believe I did that. In the end I did manage to pull myself together and ask about getting my acupuncture covered as it is not covered if it is for fertility, but she did tell me to try and get them to start a new chart for me under 'general well being'. Hmmm, so acupuncture for something specific like fertility is not covered while acupuncture for 'general well being' is. Crazy.

The meltdown I just mentioned is an example of how my mental state has been this past week. DH has seemed to bounce right back. He was sad when I told him, but he's been trying to keep my mind, and his, off of things by organizing a trip away this weekend. We're off to the City and a bit of retail therapy, and since my waistline isn't quite back to normal yet thanks to all the hormones I will concentrate on shoes and bags. Plus, there's nothing like a hotel room for bringing out the amorous side. It will be wonderful to get away from the mundane details of life for a couple of days.

This past week DH has booked us a flight back to Canada to visit family later in July as he has meetings in the Canadian office at that time. No problem since I'm not pregnant. He's also contacted a realtor there about looking at houses while we're there. Whoa. This is a lot to absorb the week after my negative pregnancy test and deciding to end fertility treatments. I still can't think straight. I guess if we did move back then we could possibly look into adoption, although at 41 I'm not sure what our chances are of adopting a baby/young child. My head is still spinning and DH hasn't even asked his boss yet if he can transfer to the Canadian office. The dilemna is that DH's visa expires in 13 months so we need to know whether to start the Green Card apppication now or pack our things and transfer back.

Yes, this past week has been crazy for me. I've been trying to lose myself in cleaning therapy and movie therapy, both of which help me immensely. It's just that I'm coping with a number of things at once and trying to keep my head above water. Guess I'll just keep treading.