Monday, February 15, 2010

Suddenly

Funny how a week ago today I was so happy -- DH and I had gone for an ultrasound prepared for the worst, but surprisingly pleased to see that everything was going well. The doctor even said it looked like a picture in a textbook. The little 'bean' was throbbing and bouncing a bit, but the doctor managed to give us a picture to take home. I didn't dare put it up on our fridge, but instead put in a folder my agenda. I haven't looked at it since and I don't know if I can look at it again.

The next day I started spotting. I had gone for a short walk and felt great; it had been the first morning in weeks where I woke up feeling good. I phoned the clinic to notify them about the spotting and promptly reclined on the sofa. An hour later I went to the bathroom and there I had this sharp pain in my lower back and then I noticed the toilet was full of bright blood. Oh, God. I phoned the clinic to tell them that I was bleeding heavily; someone phoned back to tell me that the doctor had an opening later in the day, and then I phoned DH at work. It was at this point that I noticed the blood on my legs...it had soaked through the pad and through my clothes within a half hour. Oh, God. I spent an hour sitting on the toilet with blood gushing out. I knew that this did not bode well for the pregnancy, but I was beginning to get scared for myself. At this point I had absolutely no pain, so it felt strange to be losing so much blood with no cramping. Luckily DH came home at some point and helped me fix myself up to go to the doctor's office.

We placed a dark brown towel on the car seat before departing. I didn't feel that bad, although the bumps did bother me. After signing in I dashed into the bathroom to notice that I had saturated the two pads I had put on 40 minutes before. Luckily I made it to the waiting room moments before someone came to get us. The next few hours are fuzzy for me. I had a meltdown in the room with the ultrasound when the nurse asked me to undress from the waist down as I was bleeding so much, but I did it. Sitting there with blood dripping down to the floor scraped away any ounce of dignity I had left.

The doctor gently informed us that this may not be good news as he proceeded to give me a vaginal ultrasound. From here, it gets crazy as I saw the sac first and couldn't believe it. What? How could it still be there? The doctor measured everything and said it was at the correct size and had grown in two days and there was cardiac movement. I was stunned that I could be bleeding so much and pass so many clots and it was still there. The doctor mentioned something about a torn/ruptured blood vessel on the placenta. He had another appointment but asked that I rest there to see if the bleeding would slow down.

At that point, I had calmed down thinking that it was still inside of me, although the doctor did call it a threatened miscarriage. A million thoughts went through my head...if I was going to be on strict bedrest then how would I deal with all this bleeding? What was foremost in my head was: when will this bleeding end. While I lay on the table holding DH's hand the blood kept coming out of me in gushes. I asked the doctor about my bleeding concern when he came back to check on me and he replied that it must heal and that some women experience heavy bleeding in pregnancy. Oh, God. But, when I got off the table to clean myself up and get dressed I suddenly felt weak...like I was going to faint. I fell onto the table and asked DH to get someone. This is when it really gets fuzzy for me.

I remember feeling really warm and cold at the same time, which explains the clamminess. The doctor asked if I had fainted and he had a worried look on his face and said that the pregnancy had probably passed. He then did another ultrasound and I could tell before he said anything that there was no longer anything there. I can't really remember the details of what he said -- it was like everything was happening far away from me but I was right there. Then, I had another weak turn and thought I was beginning to pass out on the table -- I felt weak, hot, everything was going gray, I began seeing stars and I could only hear DH calling my name over and over. The doctor took my pulse and blood pressure and said something about the placenta blocking the cervix with blood pooling behind it and thus creating pressure on my cervix. Then I remember him taking out a speculum, warming it with hot water, placing it inside of me and then he 'wiped' my cervix and pulled the clots that were blocking it. All I can remember is that I immediately felt better after he did this. And then the cramping commenced. It took me about an hour to feel well enough to leave. DH brought the car close to the entrance and helped me out.

Thankfully the bleeding subsided later that night and became more like a regular period, although the cramps felt like someone stabbing me with a knife through to my back. A heating pad and a couple of ibuprofen helped with that.

Six days later and I finally feel like myself again, although I'm just beginning to deal with the emotional loss. It happened so suddenly that I could barely cope with what was happening to me physically let alone emotionally. I just knew that I wanted to write it down so I would never forget what happened.

31 comments:

Illanare said...

I am so, so, so sorry to read this. My heart aches for you and your DH. Keeping you in my thoughts.

musicmakermomma said...

What a horrible experience - I am so sorry. I know there are no words to comfort right now, but know that we are with you, thinking of you and your DH, and your little one that got away.
Be good to yourself -

Suzanne said...

I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. I had a miscarriage last September and I know how heartbreaking this is. You and your DH are in my thoughts and prayers.

hbp said...

So very sorry to hear about your loss. Thinking of you during this very, very hard time. I hope it provides some comfort to know that others are out there and thinking of you. Wishing for you better days out the other end of this.

sprogblogger said...

I am so very sorry. There aren't any good words, it's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you're having to make your way through this bad place. Thinking of you.

Shelli said...

I found you via musicmakermomma. I am so, so sorry. This brings back such painful memories for me. I am sorry that this happened to you, and that you will always be burdened with this memory. (hugs)

barrenlands said...

I am so very sorry. (hugs)

IVF 40+ said...

I'm via Musicmakermomma too. I am so very, very sorry.

loribeth said...

I'm so, so sorry. :(

hil said...

I'm so sorry.

Sky said...

I just stopped over from musicmakermomma's blog. I am so very sorry. What an awful experience to lose a baby but even the way this all happened - you were rightfully frightened for your own health. Enormous hugs for strong healing - physically and emotionally.

linda said...

I have been reading your blog via "Hell Hath no Fury..."

This is so tragic and unfair. I wish I had something I could say that would ease your loss. Please just know that there are those of us out there that read your blog and are thinking of you tonight.

((a hug))

Jan said...

I am so sorry about your loss. I've been through this too, and one thing I can tell you is that you will feel better. The combination of such a loss and the hormonal fluctuation that comes with it can make you feel utterly miserable and like you will never be OK again, but you will be. Hang on in there.

musicmakermomma said...

I hope you are physically starting to feel better, thinking of you. Thanks so much for your support on my blog, especially after your own tragedy. It means a lot to me.

ApronStringsEm said...

There are no other words I can say to make things better ... I am so, so very sorry. ((HUGS))

Sonja said...

*hugs* Thinking of you and your husband.

Sonja
~LFCA

K said...

My heart is breaking for you as I read this. I am so so so sorry. You are in my thoughts. *hugs*

LFCA

Sunny said...

I'm here via LFCA. What a nightmare... I am terribly sorry for your loss and what you had to go through.

Rach said...

No words, except I'm so very sorry and even though don't seem like enough.

xxx

Myndi said...

Here from LFCA. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. No one should have to go endure this kind of pain.

Trust me when I say, it will take time, but it will get better though it doesn't seem like it now. It has been 8 weeks since my loss and there are more good days than bad. This isn't something you get over, it's something you get through. Still, there is peace to be found on the other side of it.

Take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to grieve and work through it. And let others take care of you however they are able.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you find some peace sooner rather than later.

Misfits said...

Also here from the LFCA. I am deeply sorry for your loss. It's unfair and rotten and my thoughts are with you during this time.

nh said...

Here from LFCA
I'm so sorry. Make sure that you look after yourself, and do what you need to do.

Amanda said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of and praying for you and your husband.

Here from LFCA.

Wendy said...

just stopping by from LFCA - I am so sorry that you had to go through this - it is a very lonely and scary time so be sure you reach out and talk to ppl when you feel up to it - it helped me a bit but what really helped was this community. Take care

Elaine VanDRiver said...

I am so sorry.

Elaine
LFCA

Hanen said...

Just found you via LFCA. So sad to hear. It is such a huge physical trauma, you may find the emotional bit takes a while to fully hit. Sending huge hugs and thoughts xxxh

biojen said...

I'm here from LFCA, I'm so, so sorry. Words just can't say how much this sucks. Take care of yourself.

Jem said...

So, so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story.

theclam said...

Here from LFCA. What a horrible experience, I am SO SO sorry for your loss.

Will be praying for you and DH to heal emotionally from this loss.

xxx

maxandzuzu said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing your story. You're in my thoughts.

T

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