Suddenly

Funny how a week ago today I was so happy -- DH and I had gone for an ultrasound prepared for the worst, but surprisingly pleased to see that everything was going well. The doctor even said it looked like a picture in a textbook. The little 'bean' was throbbing and bouncing a bit, but the doctor managed to give us a picture to take home. I didn't dare put it up on our fridge, but instead put in a folder my agenda. I haven't looked at it since and I don't know if I can look at it again.

The next day I started spotting. I had gone for a short walk and felt great; it had been the first morning in weeks where I woke up feeling good. I phoned the clinic to notify them about the spotting and promptly reclined on the sofa. An hour later I went to the bathroom and there I had this sharp pain in my lower back and then I noticed the toilet was full of bright blood. Oh, God. I phoned the clinic to tell them that I was bleeding heavily; someone phoned back to tell me that the doctor had an opening later in the day, and then I phoned DH at work. It was at this point that I noticed the blood on my legs...it had soaked through the pad and through my clothes within a half hour. Oh, God. I spent an hour sitting on the toilet with blood gushing out. I knew that this did not bode well for the pregnancy, but I was beginning to get scared for myself. At this point I had absolutely no pain, so it felt strange to be losing so much blood with no cramping. Luckily DH came home at some point and helped me fix myself up to go to the doctor's office.

We placed a dark brown towel on the car seat before departing. I didn't feel that bad, although the bumps did bother me. After signing in I dashed into the bathroom to notice that I had saturated the two pads I had put on 40 minutes before. Luckily I made it to the waiting room moments before someone came to get us. The next few hours are fuzzy for me. I had a meltdown in the room with the ultrasound when the nurse asked me to undress from the waist down as I was bleeding so much, but I did it. Sitting there with blood dripping down to the floor scraped away any ounce of dignity I had left.

The doctor gently informed us that this may not be good news as he proceeded to give me a vaginal ultrasound. From here, it gets crazy as I saw the sac first and couldn't believe it. What? How could it still be there? The doctor measured everything and said it was at the correct size and had grown in two days and there was cardiac movement. I was stunned that I could be bleeding so much and pass so many clots and it was still there. The doctor mentioned something about a torn/ruptured blood vessel on the placenta. He had another appointment but asked that I rest there to see if the bleeding would slow down.

At that point, I had calmed down thinking that it was still inside of me, although the doctor did call it a threatened miscarriage. A million thoughts went through my head...if I was going to be on strict bedrest then how would I deal with all this bleeding? What was foremost in my head was: when will this bleeding end. While I lay on the table holding DH's hand the blood kept coming out of me in gushes. I asked the doctor about my bleeding concern when he came back to check on me and he replied that it must heal and that some women experience heavy bleeding in pregnancy. Oh, God. But, when I got off the table to clean myself up and get dressed I suddenly felt weak...like I was going to faint. I fell onto the table and asked DH to get someone. This is when it really gets fuzzy for me.

I remember feeling really warm and cold at the same time, which explains the clamminess. The doctor asked if I had fainted and he had a worried look on his face and said that the pregnancy had probably passed. He then did another ultrasound and I could tell before he said anything that there was no longer anything there. I can't really remember the details of what he said -- it was like everything was happening far away from me but I was right there. Then, I had another weak turn and thought I was beginning to pass out on the table -- I felt weak, hot, everything was going gray, I began seeing stars and I could only hear DH calling my name over and over. The doctor took my pulse and blood pressure and said something about the placenta blocking the cervix with blood pooling behind it and thus creating pressure on my cervix. Then I remember him taking out a speculum, warming it with hot water, placing it inside of me and then he 'wiped' my cervix and pulled the clots that were blocking it. All I can remember is that I immediately felt better after he did this. And then the cramping commenced. It took me about an hour to feel well enough to leave. DH brought the car close to the entrance and helped me out.

Thankfully the bleeding subsided later that night and became more like a regular period, although the cramps felt like someone stabbing me with a knife through to my back. A heating pad and a couple of ibuprofen helped with that.

Six days later and I finally feel like myself again, although I'm just beginning to deal with the emotional loss. It happened so suddenly that I could barely cope with what was happening to me physically let alone emotionally. I just knew that I wanted to write it down so I would never forget what happened.